EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE -PART FOUR-
by Starskylicious
Summary: A story of silence, hurt, love and redemption with a glimpse of hope and a promise of a future.


**ACT 20 \- IN A NEW YORK MINUTE –**

"Huggy?"

Captain Dobey was entering the ER, the black and white that had been sent as a backup to the shootout in the alley had informed him that his detectives had been taken to Receiving.

"Captain!" he stood up shakily, "Hutch's been shot in the head."

"Oh, My God!" The rotund man put his hand over his mouth.

At that instant, the door of the Trauma room opened, and a young, lanky doctor appeared. His straight and bony nose barely held under his thick glasses.

"Family of Detective Hutchinson?" They both turned their heads toward the voice, and they crowded beside the doctor. "Good afternoon, gentlemen. I'm Dr. Deniz Chowdhury," they shook their hands. "I'm the Emergency Physician, who treated Sergeant Hutchinson at arrival. You are?"

"I'm Captain Dobey. Hutchinson's one of my men and also is Starsky, and this is Huggy Bear, a friend to us. How's he doing?", Dobey at least could maintain his ability to talk. Huggy was utterly silent and seemed to have lost it.

"Good. He's okay." The doctor smiled encouragingly. "He is okay. You don't have to be worried; everything's all right… The bullet grazed his left temporal bone, which explains the blood loss. Blood vessels usually cover that area, but he's just fine." The young doctor smiled, "But why don't you come with me to the office so we can talk quieter." he offered in his Urdu accent.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Dobey commented relieved while he started going through the hall to the private office, following the physician.

"Yes, you certainly can be thankful! Sit down, please…" the doctor motioned them to sit. "A few inches and everything might be over. However, since the cut occurred, we had to exclude the possibility that it was a deeper wound, which might have compromised any artery or a vein or even lead to an infection. But don't you worry we always knew that the bullet had not entered his skull. After treatment, we ruled out that possibility with the visual examination and RX. Fortunately, nothing of importance is compromised except, of course, a small bruise, a scrape, and perhaps a hell of a headache, you know what I mean… Anyway, nothing to be worried about." The doctor smiled; Dobey felt relieved that the reason Hutch had lost consciousness was so minor too. Huggy still speechless closed his eyes, grateful.

"In fact, we assumed that the blackout was caused just by the blood loss, the proximity of the wound with the center of balance in the ear and the shock itself, of course…"

The young doctor was trying to be as educational as possible. In times like these in which the family is waiting for news about their loved ones the use of medical terms sometimes did not help to clarify things.

"Oh man, I thought that crazy man had blasted his head, there was so much blood!" Huggy still horrified by the scene he had just witnessed, could not remove from his mind the chilling images of Hutch's bloody face but at least could recover his voice. "I thought it was more serious than it is."

"Yeah, that was how it looked like at the eye examination, but a capillary wound usually oozes blood alarmingly, at a significant rate. But it's okay, we've got all covered; we did a complete wound toilet, and now he's resting. We gave him a mild sedative, and in the incoming two hours, we expect he will recover, and in one day he's gonna be okay," the doctor with the citrine face said, finally.

Dobey and Huggy felt serene too. The news was very optimist. They snorted, liberating the air they didn't know they had retained in their lungs for so long and nodded, grateful.

"So he's gonna be okay? When will he be discharged?" asked Dobey.

"He's gonna be okay. We'll keep him under observation until tomorrow, and then he'll be discharged. We could let him go today, even in a few hours if he'd have someone who can take proper care of him, but we don't know if this is the case. Has he someone who can take care of him today?" The doctor asked and both men wondered.

They didn't know anything about Starsky yet. The doctor continued, "Then, he'll be one week off of service, and everything will be just a bad and even a crazy memory, but..."

A long pause preceded the next statement and Dobey and Huggy knew well that he was going to tell them something far more complicated.

The Doctor lowered his head trying to find the right words "But, uh…" he hesitated, and they knew that the next words wouldn't be as kind as the last ones… that the dreaded moment had arrived, finally. "I'm afraid that it's not Sergeant Hutchinson's health you should be worried about. Our primary concern at the moment's Detective Starsky's health; his state's very grave. We are very worried - we're afraid that..."

There was another long pause, Huggy and Dobey both groaned in fear, they sobbed.

The silence was so profound they could have heard a pin drop, but the young physician kept saying, "Detective Starsky's still unresponsive. We received the patient in respiratory failure, and we had to give him life support for a brief moment." The doctor sighed; they looked at each other. "I'm sorry to tell you that we had to put him on a ventilator. We have drawn a blood test too, and his red cells are on the ground; so his platelets and, the pulmonologist, Dr…"

When they heard the door being opened, they turned their heads to the entrance of the ER's Office. A heavy-set man in his late sixties accompanied by the Chief of Police, Randolph Ryan, were entering the room.

"Oh, Dr. Bauer." The Hindu doctor stood. "Captain Dobey, this is Dr. Bauer, the Pulmonologist in Chief who treated your Sergeant at arrival." The young Doctor signaled to him, "Doctor, this is Captain Dobey, Detectives Starsky, and Hutchinson's superior."

"Good night, Captain Dobey. I'm sorry we've met under these circumstances. I'm new here in Receiving after Dr. Franklin's been hired in Sinai."

Dobey was transfigured, his eyes stuck in those of his Chief, so he nodded to him, and Ryan reciprocated. Then shook his hands with Dr. Bauer, who started talking.

"Well, Sergeant Starsky's state's severe. His heart rate's very slow, and the red cells count is dangerously low. His airways are much compromised. He's in shock, so we, ah, well, there's no easy way of saying this, but uh - he wasn't breathing on his own when he was brought in. We didn't know why, so for a brief moment we had to put him…"

"Yeah, yeah" Dobey grimaced interrupting him. He made a gesture with his hand stopping the Doctor's words for coming. "Thanks, Dr. Bauer, thank you, but the Doctor here - He, he already told us." Dobey was very pensive. He rubbed his forehead in utter concern, worried about Chief Ryan, who was standing still beside the doctor. "We know. We know everything, Chief," the rotund man finished.

"Okay," The doctor kept talking while Chief Ryan didn't take his eyes off of Dobey, who was getting increasingly nervous at his glance.

The Captain didn't know what his Superior was doing there and what was what he already knew about Starsky.

"We're ruling out few things, but his state's grave. We're very concerned about your Officer's health; you should be aware of that, Captain. I've already talked with Chief Ryan here and reported what was going on. Nobody notified me about your arrival. I didn't know you were here; otherwise, I wouldn't have contacted your Headquarters." Dr. Bauer said professionally, but Dobey seemed not to notice what the man was saying, he was terrified and scared.

"So what, Randy? Why are you here?" Dobey asked his Superior.

"Harold!" Chief Ryan's solemn voice came loud and filled all the spaces of the waiting room. "Good grief! What happened to Starsky and Hutch, you know damn well why it happened. I've already called Memorial," he made a pause and shook his head, "Dr. Bauer here needed some information about Starsky's medical records. So we've got it."

Ryan's eyes showed anger and he was in turmoil. He didn't expect this to happen. None of this.

After Gunther's ordeal, the Chief realized how important the fine pair of detectives had become to the Bay City Police Department. The grey-haired man was very grateful to the city finest and most decorated duo, and he worried about them.

However, Dobey was terrified.

He didn't know what to do or say.

"I've called Metropolitan Division," the doctor continued, "since it was mandatory to get some information about Detective Starsky's health after seeing his chest's RX. Something was really wrong." Dr. Bauer tried to explain.

"Yes," Chief Ryan said, "Thank you, Dr. Bauer. We're very concerned about our Officers, and I appreciate that you've contacted me. Now would you please tell us what's going on? Or maybe Harold, can you tell us what's wrong with Starsky?" the Chief said, wryly.

Dobey felt that the whole world was upon his shoulders. He sought for Huggy's eyes that were barely following what was happening; the Police Captain knew damn well, what Chief Ryan meant.

"Well," Dobey rasped "I… There's something I have to tell you about Starsky, about Detective Starsky, he… He's sick, Doctor. Very ill. He has cancer, lung cancer. He's in the final stages of lung cancer, supposedly. We know, so…" he sighed worriedly, "oh! The hell with all this, how's he doing?" Dobey said bluntly, the sorrow and the shame imprinted on his face, he could not hold his gaze to Ryan, whose criticism was manifest.

"I beg your pardon?" The doctor frowned "I've got all his medical records here in Receiving, and aside from the fact that he's suffered in the past the famous shooting, there's no evidence he's so sick. I mean this is critical! This piece of information's crucial to treat him properly." The old doctor was flabbergasted by the news; the outcome was inconceivable

"Well, uh… yeah. In fact, this is… uh," Dobey nodded concernedly, "He's just been diagnosed, it's a very recent situation we, I…" Dobey stammered, guilty. He looked toward his Superior, who was also standing there, impassive and reproaching his actions only by looking at him directly, and until the moment the doctor interrupted him with urgency.

"I understand. So Captain if you don't mind telling me again, which is his diagnosis?" Dr. Bauer asked worriedly

Dobey closed his eyes and filled his lungs, he nodded. With his heart in his hand, opened, he had no choice. He had to protect him; he owed that to Starsky, he said. "Small Cell Lung Cancer in Stage 4, extensive. They presume that he's got only 9 to 10 months to live..."

Dobey said sternly; he felt like he was signing Starsky's death sentence.

As a matter of fact, he was.

"Okay," the doctor changed his tone immediately. He started to get all professional about it. "You should tell me also who the doctor in charge of his treatment is, I should contact him just in case I have prescribed something inconvenient to his current prognosis. As I said, besides anything else, it's my medical obligation to take care of my patient's welfare, that, above all. You should have acted the same and protect your Officers, that comes with the territory Captain."

"It's okay, Dr. Bauer. You got your diagnosis. Please go and help my man recover. I have some things here to talk with my Captain. Police stuff, you know," Ryan said at once, protectively.

If there was someone, who could get hard on Dobey, it was he, not this unknown doctor.

"Of course. I can imagine," The doctor realized what the situation was "I'll go and see what I can do. But let me tell you that now that you've said this, I want you to stay calm; I understand the medical stats he's in… Now they all have a sense. As I was saying, besides his troubled breathing, which is expected, I think that he's anemic, so maybe we should transfuse him. I'll order a transfusion right now, and I wish that he could regain his strength after that. Excuse me, but I need to know it too, is he having chemo?"

"Yes. He finished yesterday the first round of three batches of chemo. He's being treated at the Duarte City of Hope Medical Centre, with Drs. Murray and Novak and in Memorial. I think that you should contact them, we have to inform what happened, haven't we?" Huggy talked for the first time since it was Dobey at the time who couldn't utter a sound.

"As soon as possible. I'll immediately call Drs. Murray and Novak and inform them of what have happened to their patient," Bauer said, diligently.

"Oh and, just another thing Dr. Bauer, please?" Huggy grabbed his arm, "Sergeant Hutchinson isn't aware of what's happening with his partner's health, so I really would appreciate that he stays that way until Starsky himself tells him." Huggy hurriedly said, "Starsky would feel devastated if he wakes up and finds out that Hutch already knows."

"Okay. I have no problem with that. The patients' personal affairs are not an official issue, and I can fix that! We'll keep Sgt. Hutchinson sedated for a longer period to allow enough time to Sgt. Starsky to recover, okay? And Captain Dobey," he looked at the Captain, who was really wrung out by the whole situation, and the doctor noticed, "I hope that you can fully understand my position here. Receiving Hospital's Policies forced me. I'm really so sorry I've been this hasty to call the Superiority, but you know that this was so unexpected…"

"Yes, yes I know, I know. Thank you, Dr. Bauer. You do what you have to do to help my man, Doctor, and I'll try to be his Captain and Commanding Officer again as I am expected to be!" they shook their hands.

The doctor grimaced in sorrow and started leaving the room.

"Excuse me but, before you leave" Huggy interrupted, "I was wondering if we can go and see Starsky."

"Well, he's in the Trauma Unit, so … When he stabilizes enough, we'll accommodate him upstairs, and you'll be informed, okay? I guess it'll take a few more hours to go" the doctor started leaving, but he was interrupted again by Huggy.

"Just one more thing, excuse me Doc., but with all the due respect…" The thin man put his hand on the doctor's arm. "Starsky thought that his partner was killed, and that's why he lost consciousness in the first place; I've been there beside him when that happened. He lost consciousness believing that his buddy was dead and that he was responsible for his death too, so…I uh - I mean, why don't you try telling him that his partner's okay?"

"Detective Starsky is unconscious, Mr.…?" Bauer reminded him of.

"Huggy Bear, the name's Huggy Bear. I know he's unconscious but, believe me, that's the way they work. I'm sure he would recover the moment he knows Hutch, his partner, is okay and waiting for him to wake up." The slim man said, hopeful.

"Okay, we'll give a shot at it. I'll send a nurse when he's transferred to the room if that happens, okay?"

"WHEN that happens, Doc, when… I'm sure he's gonna be okay," he affirmed.

"Okay," Bauer nodded "When that happens, it'll be" and he left the room.

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When the door shut behind him, Dobey, who was dejected, took a deep breath, waiting for Chief Ryan to begin reprimanding him. Huggy, visibly grief-stricken retook his surveillance spot waiting for Hutch to wake up and for Starsky to recover fully.

"Harold," Chief Ryan's harsh voice came into their ears.

Both men raised his eyes to the old Policeman.

"Harold. What were you thinking of? You know this is the only right thing to do." Ryan murmured.

"Yes, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me as much" Dobey fixed his eyes, his red eyes from holding tears, on the floor. "I'm so emotionally affected by this entire situation, Randy. I think that I couldn't think clearly, lately. I'm sorry, that's all." he finished, shaking his head.

"I know. I always have the best of recommendations about you, Harold, and I can understand what you're going through," the old man said, meaningfully. "I know what these men mean to you!"

"Thank you," Dobey granted...

"But as an Officer of the Law, you should've been well aware that you must have notified to the Superiority about this circumstance. I must say that this is an irresponsible attitude and an exceptionally irregular too that I won't consent. I can't. And this is not a matter related just to protocol, internal policy or regulations, what I'm saying here's for your own Officer's health. You should've informed this, Captain."

The stern and grim expression of the Chief did nothing but embarrass Dobey.

His fidelity and loyalty to Starsky, the love he professed for him had evidently made him take the brunt of the decisions, the unwise decision; he hoped that it was not too late to be repaired.

He had not been his Captain; he had not acted as his Commanding Officer, his Superior. He had not protected him, and today it could have cost Starsky his life. The great affection he had for Dave had played tricks on him. Dobey knew from the beginning that what he was doing was wrong, very wrong, yet he had not been strong enough to refuse to continue the nonsense.

The nonsense that had started the day Starsky proposed him to hide the truth from everyone ten days ago. "It had all happened so suddenly," Dobey mused quietly.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I mean, this has been so hard and unexpected to all of us. I love this man as if he were my own son. Since the moment this thing has begun I guess that I couldn't think clearly, I'm sorry," Dobey said trying to excuse his inconceivable conduct.

"I can understand that you're emotionally involved with Starsky. I'm also indeed, after all these years. We know how valuable they both are. I can realize that you could've experienced different stages of grief and affection with some concrete and determined officers like him. These men, who have given everything to the Force..." Ryan shook his head, wordless; he was hurting too. "I'm sorry that this is happening to a guy like Starsky, but that doesn't justify your behavior. Being a Cop's important and in your case being a Captain of Cops is your priority. You shouldn't have ever forgotten that! I'm sorry I have to be this hard on you, Captain. But we're Policemen, for Christ's sake! And we should think like that. You maybe are committed to one particular Officer, but you cannot avoid your duty here. You should have thought about it," Randolph Ryan was a man of few words. But his words used to be the exact ones.

"Well, Starsky really thought that he could handle this; you know him, how stubborn he can be…" Dobey said until his superior suddenly interrupted him.

"For Pete's sake, Harold Dobey! We all know Starsky's medical records. We all know the endless and gory details related to his shootout, his treatment in Memorial, his long recovery after Gunther, and now this cancer…" The Chief shook his head sadly, speechless; he wanted to say what he was thinking, but he felt at a loss for words. "Dr. Bauer has already told me that at the state he's in right now, and under these circumstances, and his story is highly unlikely that Dave can keep on working, Harold. He wouldn't recommend that! It's highly risky too, for him and for the others who work with him. And he didn't even know about his cancer!" The old police officer made a pause, gathering his thoughts and trying not to hurt his old-time companion, "I'm sorry! But I'm a Police Officer too, my rank as Chief compels me to report to the Commissioner this incident," He took a long breath. "I'm gonna start right now to fill in the forms I have to. Right now, I'm gonna inform that one of your fellow officers has a terminal disease."

"Yeah…, yeah, yeah." Dobey was flabbergasted, and he tried, by all means, to change the course of the things. "I understand! However, as I said, this is a very painful, challenging and sad situation for all of us, so we think that, well Starsky thought that, maybe… There would be ways to, I mean…" Dobey hesitated, painfully.

"Excuse me? Harold!" Ryan interrupted the Captain again and shook his head in disbelief; he could forebode to where his words led, so he snorted and kept on saying to him. "It's lung cancer, terminal. So, at least he wants to die in the line of duty, and you agree with that choice and even promote that decision, he shouldn't have been working as a police officer. No such thing." There was a long silence. "That's suicidal," Ryan continued convincingly. "Or perhaps you decided that you should carry his death over your shoulders instead of confronting him now and in honor of the love, which binds you to him? It's a miracle he didn't die today, Dobey, or he got his partner killed today. It's a miracle it didn't happen today. Under these circumstances, I think that you're not emotionally capable of taking any decision. You love him that much? I'm gonna spare you the heartache. I'll be the one who's gonna sign the forms to propose him in temporal, even permanent disability, Harold."

Dobey stayed paralyzed.

That would be Starsky's end, but undoubtedly, his Superior was right, today events had proved it. There would be no turning back this time, the die was cast, and his friend's fate was really out of Dobey's hands.

Huggy, who had been silent still beside both of them, like lost in his anguish and reverie, cleared his throat swallowing the sorrow. He was tired of listening to this nonsensical conversation. He didn't give a damn if Dobey was responsible or not; if they should have told the doctor what was going on or Ryan or whoever… He only cared about his friend. So his eyes were full of tears until the moment he finally broke and said. "I don't know about the legal terms, neither the regulations nor this medical mumbo jumbo the doctor had told us recently, and you have to observe. I mean I'm not a Police Chief or a Police Captain or whoever you are, man, but …," definitely overwhelmed by the circumstances, he made a heartfelt pause and then continued. "I'm Starsky's friend since I'm 14 years old, you know?" He smiled timidly. "I'm worried about him, just him. Can you respect that?" Huggy was broken, sad and lost "I just wanna know how's he doing if he's gonna be okay? If he's gonna... if he's gonna make it. So why don't we just stay here, in silence please, respectfully, and waiting for that to happen."

"Sorry, you're right." Ryan nodded. Sometimes his commitment to the legal aspect of his career made him forget the human side of it all and the officer's family, who can do little more, in these situations than suffer and wait.

So Ryan left the room, patting Dobey goodbye.

"We'll talk later, Harold. Let's just see how's Starsky doing, okay?"

"Okay."

Two hours later an orderly returned asking for Huggy and the Captain.

"Sergeant Starsky has awakened, and he's waiting for you. He's in room 668."

****************************S&H*****************************

When Huggy and Dobey entered the room, they could see how distressed Starsky looked; Dr. Bauer had already told him what had happened. Everything.

The air was cold; icy.

The white light tube above the headboard made him and everything around him looked even spookier. Starsky was sitting on the bed, his bare chest was shining, a thin layer of perspiration covered him, and he was noisily breathing.

His short little breaths.

"So Dr. Bauer has already told you what happened, Starsky?" asked Dobey.

"Oh, yeah! He almost has said everything… And more," His voice sounded peaceful strangely but devoid of emotion "looks like this is it, Cap'n! I'm running out of time here. I mean, my life itself's running out of time. It's gone, the way it used to be... 's gone." He smiled like a little boy who was scared.

Dobey and Huggy were devastated; the sorrowful words were like a stab wound in their hearts. They couldn't look him in the eye; they didn't have the guts to do it.

Starsky seemed helpless.

As if he had lost all the fight in him. He spoke like an automat, with a toneless, flat voice, rather keeping the eyes out on one spot in front of him on the white, cold wall. The two friends only listened.

"He told me that Chief Ryan's been already notified and that he's signed the forms asking for my disability, too." He grimaced. "He said that I'm still young for health insurance," He sighed, closed his eyes but never changed the tone or the sight. "He said that he had to contact my Service Member and that within the day since we're here in Receiving, two more Physicians will do their first preliminary examinations." He shrugged. "He said that they'll examine me before the hearing of the Medical Board, which will be in, at... maybe one month." He smiled and raised his eyes to Dobey for the first time. "You know what, Cap'n? He said that it would be that fast because of my diagnosis." He sobered and reassumed the previous position staring at the wall. "It seems like they don't think that I'll be around to wait for the common terms the application process usually takes so, you know… He said it's almost one year or so. Looks like they don't expect me to be alive at the time."

He inhaled painfully and unexpectedly and then he made one long and heartbreaking cry. Huggy and Dobey closed their eyes until Starsky regained his strength again, agitated, and filled his lungs to continue.

"He also told me that after that, they will determine whether cancer's service-connected or not, in which case I'll perceive 90% of my salary... If I'm lucky, in the best case," he smiled ironically. "Damn luck! Fuck, Gunther! He'll finally get rid of me and even unscathed; he'll never pay for this!" He coughed and grimaced in pain, filled his lungs again with grief. "So if my diagnosis is confirmed and accurate, most probably next month the Board will also determine that I can't go on working either. He told me that, being a Tier 3 member and not having any qualified survivors I should designate a beneficiary of my choice who will receive my contributions and interests when I die… and…" he closed his eyes but was interrupted.

"Stop! Starsky, stop, please. Starsky, stop! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Dobey was at his bedside, with his head almost buried between his legs, listening dejectedly and bent in pain.

"Hey, Come on, Cap'n… I ain't holding this against you; you don't have to feel sorry. I know that you tried to help me, but the charade has ended, and you had no choice, I know. I don't want you to break. I need you to be strong. Hutch's okay, at least Hutch is fine, Cap'n and you should take care of him on my behalf. That's the only thing that's important right now. Oh man! I thought I had killed him."

"Don't Starsky! You're important too. We love you!" Dobey said. Starsky smiled a ghost of a smile.

"I know, Cap'n."

Dobey nodded.

Huggy, who was still, standing, and looking through the window suddenly asked, "Are you gonna tell Hutch, aren't you?" After that question, an infinite, seemingly endless silence permeated the room.

"No." Starsky raised his eyes to his both friends, defiantly "I won't."

Dobey and Huggy looked at themselves incredulously.

"And you expect us to help you? Keep covering you?" was Huggy's soft but rude question.

"Yes."

"Starsky?" Huggy was devastated.

Another long, deep glance got stuck in Huggy's eyes straight from Starsky's heart to his. The silence seemed oppressive; the atmosphere was choking.

"I don't wanna die alone, Hug. But if you are not up to it, if you don't agree, I won't oblige, and I won't have any choice but to do it." Starsky said serenely.

Huggy didn't understand; he frowned… "You'll tell him?" The slender man asked, concernedly since he knew Starsky damn well. He knew that Starsky wouldn't give up that easily.

"No. I'll die alone. I'll disappear, whatever. I mean, I'll never change my mind about when is the right time for Hutch to know this. And it's not his time yet, I need to be stronger. Before telling him that I'm dying in nine, ten months; before asking him the sacrifice of taking care of me again, I rather go. I won't put him in that position again, not after everything that has happened with Gunther, after everything I saw him suffer during Gunther, not until I can be strong enough to support him." He sighed painfully. "I rather leave him behind, leave it all behind and try to make him hate me. If he hates me, he won't suffer. Hate's the only way. That's my final decision. I've already made it. I won't change it. I won't tell Hutch until I end the chemotherapy. I won't tell him until I have a spark of hope, hope indeed in my heart that I can survive this and that he can really help me. I have to feel secure."

"He's your hope, Starsky. He's your strength. You won't get better without him around. We saw this before, why the need to change now what is perfect?" Huggy said mystically spiritual.

"Magic times are over, Huggy. This is just medicine, chemistry. To kill this monster I need nothing related to willpower this time. It only takes some time to see if the drugs are working. I'll give everything for that to happen, but I know that I've already had my miracle." He shook his head. "I don't expect another one for me, but I'm humble, and I can be patient too and most of all I don't wanna hurt him anymore, and I don't wanna die. I need time to see if the chemo works, and then I promise, I'll tell him when the time comes." Starsky said firmly "Now, you can leave me alone."

Five hours later, Starsky was discharged.

He went to see Hutch. The blond was just awakened and would stay in the Hospital during the day until the morning after. Upon release, he would stay on sick leave, at home, during the whole week until 5th July according to the doctor's orders.

Meanwhile, Starsky would concoct his plan...

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He had to sort things out with Dobey at the Precinct and with Sam and Huggy; his personal stuff, his legal matters. He had to put in storage almost all his goods though he decided he wouldn't dismantle his apartment in the Hills. He had even drafted his own will just in case he couldn't make it, and something unexpected happened.

Huggy would be the executor until the day of his death, in which Hutch would benefit from everything he has. He even had managed to contact a real estate agent.

He decided that for some time, until the end of chemo, there wouldn't be any trace of him.

He had decided he would stay at Sam's place at the beach.

The beach house in Santa Monica was comfortable enough and pretty close from Memorial and even Hope in case he needed. Besides, there was no danger that Hutch would discover it because neither Hutch nor he knew about its existence until this moment.

He would carry his clothes, the Menorah, his albums, the Camera and his Modeling ships, a few books, and his music.

Sam and Huggy would take care of him despite the fact that he would be due to the second batch of chemo in one week so he will be at Hope enough times.

He had said goodbye to Babcock and Simmons and Minnie; they were the only ones who knew that he was sick. They knew, not everything or anything about cancer but they knew. It had been hard enough, but he knew he'd get over it.

Everything was settled.

He only had to say goodbye to Hutch...

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"You, what?"

Hutch could not understand what he was hearing because what Starsky was saying was just inconceivable. It was Friday. Starsky had told him that this weekend he wouldn't go out with Caroline, so the blonde-haired man had planned to invite his pal to go on fishing to helping him in his recovery.

The 4th of July would be on next Monday, and it would be a great moment to share with his buddy. The week had been weird enough starting on Monday's disaster, and he was craving for Starsky's company since forever.

Besides, having been absent on sick leave, Hutch had hardly seen his partner during the whole week, and he only had been missing those easygoing times they shared the mindless banter, the laughable companionship.

The few times he had called to the Precinct, Dobey had told him that his partner was busy, apparently following the clues related to the crazy man in the alley.

He barely had talked to him during the week since last Monday, and he just missed him.

For this reason, what Starsky was saying was ridiculously insane, unexpected and very out of the blue.

"You're leaving. You're going to New York. You, what?"

"Like I said, Hutch, I'm tired of this shit; I've had enough of this… I need some time out," Starsky looked everything around.

Hutch moved his head, desolately, "And when are you coming back? I mean how much time?"

The brunet closed his eyes, looking for strength… that was the moment. "I don't know when. I don't know if I'm coming back, buddy". Starsky snorted and made a face. He was on the verge of breaking. His eyes were full of tears that were going to be dissolved, but he had to go on until the end. He continued, "I'm tired of my job, of my life here, of my lack of future. I have no future, Hutch. I'm sick… tired of this." His eyes were so sad; he was the only one who knew he was saying the truth. He was telling the whole and entire truth.

About his lack of future, the truth of being so damn sick.

However, Hutch thought that he would flare up, that he would turn into an extinguished flame that he couldn't stand it anymore.

If Starsky kept on saying that nonsense, he would go crazy.

"Are you tired of me too?" It was his simple, short question.

Starsky wasn't able to lie to Hutch to the extent to say that he didn't love him or that he was tired of him. He couldn't do that. He was leaving everything behind just to don't hurt him, and he could take that burden, but he couldn't look him in the eye and say that he didn't love him. That thing, he couldn't do.

However, he stayed quiet and said. "I'm going to New York, Hutch, my mother, needs me. She's old enough. She can't go on suffering like this, expecting me to be killed at any corner of any street anytime by any crazy scumbag. I - I'm tired, Hutch. I almost bought it four years ago; you almost bought it last Monday. I signed up my vacation leave, and I already gave it to Dobey. Today, this 1st July, I ain't gonna go to the Precinct, not today, and maybe not anymore. I'm sick, Hutch. This is all the explanation I can give, all the explanation I've got. I just came here to say goodbye. My flight's leaving tomorrow morning."

They stayed for a long, long time looking at their reflections.

Hutch's dejected appearance almost disarmed him.

The brunet felt like he was mourning their friendship, and with that that he was witnessing the end of his own existence.

Until the moment, he couldn't take it anymore, couldn't help it anymore and reached for Hutch, hugging him in a long embrace and for the longest of times.

"You're my best friend, buddy, and that's the way it'll always be. Forever. Don't you ever dare to forget that! I need to go now, just that. I wish I could be back." The brunet hugged him, grieving in his secret pain. "_I love you, Hutch." _The brunet thought but didn't say.

Their respirations were agitated, and the silence was full of unanswered questions, until the moment when Starsky broke away, composed and left. He closed the door behind him.

Hutch couldn't fathom any sound.

13 years of loyalty, trust and friendship were vanishing through the door of Hutch's apartment in Venice, and it all had happened in a New York minute.

And there wasn't anything anybody could do about it.

It was the 1st. of July.

**********************S&H***********************

"Mom, I have to ask you a favor."

"What's going on, my Davey?"

And Starsky told Rachel his lie by the phone.

**ACT 21– BROMLEY, DANIEL & IAN-**

The echo of his chilling laughter resounded loudly in the Parking Lot as he left.

He had gone to the Police Station; he needed to be there.

He knew he had taken some risks, that he could have been discovered, that he could have met Sam, for example… Or Hutchinson or even Dobey, though he doubted Dobey could have recognized him after that long. However, he had to take the risk, yeah! He was well aware of that. It was a risk, but he just couldn't help it.

He needed to be there.

He knew the story by heart.

The kind of weapons they had used, how many shots they had fired.

He had read the forensics, the ballistics report, and the police reports. He had been very studious; he had become erudite.

He had researched the newspapers a thousand times. At the Public Library.

He knew every single detail; the way the killers had stayed camouflaged in the Police's Parking Lot, four years ago, lurking, waiting, just to try to kill them and almost killing him.

He was obsessed.

He had read the files, the investigation, and the trial.

He had watched the television footage; he even remembered the breaking news at that moment. Dobey's torn image when the reporters asked him for more and more and more was in fact what triggered the beginning of his curiosity. His new obsession.

To get to him, to kill him.

This superhuman hero.

It was fascinating.

_How to boot someone from the arms of another in an instant?_

The impact had been impressive; the plot was masterly nightmarish.

Of all things, he had survived.

He felt happy that they had failed.

Otherwise, he wouldn't have got his chance to enjoy his big time.

That invaluable man now, four years later, would be all his.

It had been a bloody plan, demoniac.

The set out had been perfect, delirious. But fantastic.

Cruel and unexpected.

One beautiful assassination. Attempted assassination.

That's why he needed to be there, to witness.

He had to feel it; he had to feel the energy of that place.

That's why he had killed that traffic agent, Daniel Blythe… Just to steal his uniform and blend with the others and feel like a cop.

He felt he was a cop.

He had been really insightful at the time he chose to kill the little man. He couldn't but marvel at the insignificance of some of his deaths.

After all this time, he knew for sure that death hadn't the same worth to all human beings. He knew that very well. He always had chosen his victims specifically, and because of the importance their deaths would have for the others; well, he did it, usually. Except in Daniel's case.

Daniel Blythe.

It was just stunning, how nobody had noticed that he had gone missing.

They hadn't even put an APB over him. He had been the right one.

Seemed like this Blythe, was not a hotshot at all, so different from the other two.

His death hadn't been significant, nor was he; however, it had been useful and necessary.

Turned out that Blythe's death became transcendent at least for him.

Weird.

So he had polished his boots he had put them on and the brass buckles; the black wig and the thick glasses too, just in case, and headed to Metro.

He had never been a cop before.

********************S&H********************

He strutted in Headquarters all day long.

Even he had a style; he could feel he was a pig. He engulfed in this very dark, very navy-blue uniform, and it suited him, even Daniel's badge and his holster felt like his.

Nobody had noticed he was phony; he liked the costume.

He could be a great actor.

He even had found fascinating people at the Precinct; he was delightfully surprised.

He'd been talking to one lovely woman called Minnie, even flirted with her. Spoke to her about his wishes to get promoted in the future as a homicide detective, and it worked.

Looked like it had been the right thing to say.

Then, by chance, suddenly, and at the very same commissary where he had enjoyed the woman's company, he met him.

Starsky's partner, Hutchinson.

His looks were devastated.

He wondered if the blond should have already known what was happening to his other half at the time. If he might have reckoned the real reason the brunet had disappeared since he actually looked so untidy and abandoned.

And sad.

Curious, he decided he should find out and ask, besides_, "what to lose?" _He thought. "_Hutchinson would never recognize me with this attire."_

"May I? Sergeant?"

"Yeah…" Hutch was slumped in his chair, nursing a cup of coffee.

He had barely eaten the meatloaf on his plate. He just couldn't since it reminded him of Starsky. "Yet again this trash to eat?" the handsome cop screamed and held it against Joe, the caterer, "I want real food here, not this inedible Nutraloaf. I'm not an inmate to eat this regulation cop's food, for Christ's sake. I hate it!" the blond watched the fake cop in the eye and said, "I'm sorry, you were saying?"

"Excuse me, Sir. I'm Daniel, Daniel Blythe" the man stretched his right hand to Hutch "Something's wrong, Sir? I mean, you okay? I'm a huge admirer of you and your partner. By the way, I was just wondering where is he? Detective Starsky, I mean."

The blond man raised his eyes in anger, barely answering.

"I ain't got no partner" was his short, sharp answer and he stood up, flat out and left the canteen.

The untouched food also stood left over the table.

The whispers of the nearby tables grew louder and louder. Everyone of each police officer at Metro was aware of what had happened. Everybody was also amazed by the separation of what it seemed to be the inseparable duo.

All but one.

The man was sitting at the same table where the impostor was sitting.

He laughed loudly.

"What's going on with him?" the phony cop asked the man. The huge black man was wearing a suit and a golden ring.

"To the Wonder blond cop?" the man laughed while sipping a cup of coffee and he continued, "Seems like the curly one decided to break the partnership. You know, they were like the peanut butter to the jelly, but..." he made a gesture, "they split. Rumor has it that Curly lost his heart to a chick, and you know, the man could be a Hatcher sometimes. The blond goes koo kooz," the man said amusingly, even happy. "Since Starsky's shooting he was already burned out and his partner's decision was the icing on the cake. The Captain put him on leave for one month. His brains are roasted, so he's gonna stay in Minnesota for the next month, soak his thoughts and wait until the other one returns." He chuckled, "Maybe he should get drowned in Lake Superior as well."

"Seems to me? Or you are not so fond of Starsky and Hutchinson?" the fake cop asked, curious.

"Those two turkeys? They are two faggots! You better forget about them, man" the man laughed fiercely.

"Fags? You mean…?"

"It's a long story. My partner and I have a long story with these two. They ruined my career!" the man said resentfully.

"You a cop?"

"Maybe, or rather a criminal." The black, tall man was full of hatred toward the two detectives, and it showed so when the fake cop stood up, he thought that maybe the spiteful police officer would be of some use. Sometime in the future, perhaps, who knows, so before he left he said… "I'm sorry. Maybe we have many things in common and still, don't know. What's your name?" He asked extending his right hand to the other one.

"Richard Dryden. But you can call me Dick. You can find me at IA. Call me, anytime. See ya."

And he left.

*******************S&H********************

He went to his apartment, on the hills.

The journey to the Precinct had been stressful enough, and he needed to gather his thoughts. He knew that something was missing yet, and he had to take care of some things. The unexpected change in his plans deserved to lay out a new strategy, and he was eager to design it properly. He would have loved to be with someone, someone who could help him. Someone he could love. Someone who could love him.

He had to wait for that to happen.

"_Yeah, It's not good to be alone"_… He thought.

He had witnessed how loneliness and detachment could ruin a man's life. Hutchinson's state had been eloquent enough. The blond-haired man looked haunted and was alone, and he felt abandoned, undoubtedly he knew nothing, that was a given. The cop looked scruffy; it was beautiful to see. It seemed like he had been living in turmoil from the very first day his partner had left him. He enjoyed that situation very much.

"_So why change what is working?" _

However, he knew he had to make some adjustments. He was willing to outline them.

Luckily, he had that white folder that he had managed to steal from Huggy's the other day. It had all the appointments and the medical practices that the doctors had scheduled to Starsky until the end of his treatment.

"_As I said, I'm in luck I have no need to risk anything,"_ the fake cop thought.

Until the 24 July, he knew every single step that his dear prey should follow so he had been following his footsteps since he had found this valuable information, every day.

Regardless he knew, luck wasn't enough.

Something was missing. And that worried him; the one damned thing that he couldn't know worried him. One thing that he couldn't have deciphered yet and that could slow down his plans.

He didn't know where the hell Starsky was living.

From the moment the brunet had left his home in the hills, he had lost his trace.

The problem was that since he hadn't any transportation to chase him after his many medical appointments, he didn't know where he lives. He knew when and where he went, but he couldn't follow him. Not without transportation and this was the essence of his plan. He had planned that he would snatch him from his place. He couldn't imagine any different happening.

He should know.

He decided that to find out his address would be his next step. He had one pattern to fill, and he had to know where he lived to achieve it. He also knew that to accomplish it he should rent a car, at least. The next problem he found out was that he hadn't a Driver's License, so he should get one first.

Or steal a car.

"_Or kill a driver."_

Whatever it takes.

"_Damn me!"_ He thought. He berated himself that he hadn't ever been able to get a Driver's License in his whole life. "_Oh, I hated myself! I'm good for nothing! My father was right, but I'm gonna prove him wrong. I will…" _he thought.

*********************S&H*********************

"I've already booked my flight to Holman Field. I leave tomorrow, at 1 AM through Southwest Airlines. Best rate I could find so far at short notice because of the fucking 4th of July" Hutch said. He was at Dobey's Office.

It was late at night. Hutch was gathering some things and had gone to say goodbye.

After what had happened last Friday, between Starsky and him, Hutch had decided to ask for his vacations to his Captain. To get away for just one month until he might be able to decide what he should do. What could it be the best thing to do.

He felt that he wasn't capable of giving a fight for Starsky. That he won't be able to recover their relationship the way he was in. He needed to be stronger, and he thought that if he didn't take some time away to gather his thoughts and feelings, he would burst.

And he would lose his partner for good. He wouldn't like that to happen.

He wanted to get him back, but he had to run first and find some perspective.

He felt very hurt. Starsky had hurt him.

For this reason, he had talked to his mother and decided to spend his vacation with her and his family.

The whole month, in his safe harbor and secure ground, surrounded by his loved ones and his lifetime friends, was going to heal him. Must heal him. Perhaps, with all of them united, with all their forces gathered around him, they could put himself together and compensate him for Starsky's absence.

He knew it would take all of them and would cost all of his, at least, to equate Starsky or match him.

He also knew that they were not going to be enough.

********************S&H*********************

"You want me to take you to the Airport?" Dobey asked timidly.

"No. Thank you, Captain," Hutch sighed. "I have to get used to being alone and handle myself. I wish that 2100 miles away from here would be far enough to make a fresh start this time and start thinking straight again. And I have to begin at one point, so I'm starting tomorrow".

"You'll overcome this, Hutch. Trust me. Everything will be okay again. You'll see. In one month, everything will be all right." Dobey wished that the blond's decision to stay away for a month could give Starsky enough strength and time to come to terms and tell his beloved friend what was going on with him.

The fact that Hutch was going to be far away for all that time was a relief for Dobey and all the others though it also scared him.

No doubt about it.

"I bet that everyone's happy to have you there," Dobey smiled, and Hutch nodded. "Someone's gonna pick you up at the Airport?"

"Yeah. My sister, Karen. It's 150 miles from St. Paul to Duluth," he informed his Captain. "Didn't find any flight closer" he shrugged. He just needed to disappear from California.

"I've never been to Minnesota, but I bet that it's a beautiful State." Dobey stood and patted Hutch on his shoulder. "You're gonna have fun, son. Take care of yourself and relax. Besides, since it's a long time you haven't been there, I'm sure your family's happy that you decided to take your vacation at home for a change."

"Home?" Hutch chuckled heartbroken "Home's where the heart is, Cap." Hutch sighed. "Duluth's not my home, not anymore." He took a big lungful of air and chuckled. "In fact, at Duluth, nobody could understand how I'm leaving California in the middle of Summer but when they found out about Starsky, well... they realized. But at least he's never been there, Cap; so no way my place's gonna remind me of him like every damn corner does here. I need to be that far."

He stood up; Dobey was on the verge of breaking. Hutch looked utterly devastated, "_I wish this has some sense for both of them and all of us,"_ the rotund man thought as he said goodbye.

He took off on Tuesday, the 5th of July.

********************S&H********************

The flight was uneventful.

Hutch couldn't take out of his mind that he was leaving all behind and he was getting nearer, and nearer to where Starsky had gone and was, for the past three days.

"_Damn, I need to forget him, and he's everything I have in my head!"_ He thought. "_I'm so confused that instead of accepting that I'm running away I think I'm getting closer!_" he chuckled at the irony.

********************S&H*******************

"Mamma," Hutch was visibly thrilled when he arrived at his mother's place.

Kristen Hutchinson was a beautiful and elegant woman. She was still rather young and healthy, and she has just started overcoming her recent widowhood.

"Hjärta," she stretched her arms to her big boy, "I'm happy you to come here once and show me how much you love me. Hey, and you look fer cute" she kissed him on his cheek, the woman realized how smitten her son looked, and sad and also dejected. "Let's just bunch dis job you have, and come here with your mamma, Ken. Forget it!"

"As if it were that easy, mamma," he sighed, "but I won't talk about it now. Please?"

"You'll see, Ken. David's gonna be all right. It's your work, it's tough, your job's terrible," she sighed and touched her son's arm, comforting him "you've always said that. I think that he just needs a bit of pampering, that all. I betcha his mom's spoiling him like I'm gonna do with you the whole month," she smiled at him while he was pensive.

She accompanied her son to his room, and he settled until dinner was ready.

********************S&H********************

"Mamma, the shrimp salad was priceless. Betcha prepared the Princes' cake for me too?"

"I just did, Hjärta, only for you," she said lovingly.

Hutch smiled, secured.

"_It felt fantastic,"_ he thought, "_to be here safe and protected. It felt warm. I wish I could heal"._

Until the 10th of August, he would stay in Duluth with his family.

He had told Dobey that he would contact him, weekly, just to ask him whether he knows something about his partner since he didn't feel like calling Rachel in New York. In fact, he didn't feel like his buddy had allowed him to do so.

*********************S&H*********************

Killing him execution-style had been easy.

Ian ran a few feet with his hands up in the air before falling to the ground, at which point he shot him several more times at point-blank range.

He had discovered a new pleasure, never before enjoyed, in the use of firearms since that day in the alley.

His victim, Ian Fletcher lived in an apartment building nearby his. He had been watching him, carefully observing the man, and he even had been talking to him a few times. He knew that one day he would be useful.

The resemblance was uncanny.

Ian was 5.8 tall, just like him. He had the same bleached-flaxen straight hair; the same, transparent, cold and empty eyes, the thin eyebrows, the same thin lips.

Unreliable lips that he had.

Ian was a man who lived alone, a solitary of few words, who used to work as a rodbuster, but after he was fired, started driving a cab for the time being.

He was a guy no one would miss, just like Daniel was.

Ian was a person he could have to kill when it came needed.

So far, the day had come, and he would be Ian for just one day. Or maybe a few, he still didn't know.

He had quicklime in a drum in the backyard, ready.

He would put him down there with Daniel, and he would make the Police rookie, a little company too.

"_Poor Ian, at least he wouldn't be alone anymore. Yeah, it's not good to be alone." _He thought.

He could also use a little company.

He was so damn happy that he had a license, he wished he could take a ride, soon, but that had to wait too. He was going to celebrate, but later.

He was risking yet again, he also knew, but it made the whole ambush, even more charming. He could not, even for just one second, pull out of his head what would happen in the future; the way he would enjoy everything and not in a long time ahead.

_Not in a long time._

Damn cancer had much interfered with his plans to the extent that he had to play drastically sometimes.

Just like he would do this time if he wanted to obtain better results.

Since the first day he had been stalking Starsky, more than three years ago, he was waiting for the moment to come.

He knew every little move the brunet made, where did he go, and what did he do.

But when he found out that his prey had been diagnosed with cancer, he was compelled to change his strategy.

There was no way the same would happen to him again.

There was no way he was going to lose again.

So he had to change the original plan. The dark-haired man would be the seventh, not the eighth one.

Again, there wouldn't be an eighth victim this time. "_Or would be?"_ He thought. "_Or maybe I will be lucky enough and kill two birds with one stone?"_

He had to think about it…. "_Yeah… Hutchinson will be there too"_.

Anyway, at the time he found out that Starsky was dying, everything had come down to a matter of time.

Everything had become a matter of time…

He had started his frantic race against Starsky's short time now. Cancer was a silent enemy, the lethal enemy he must win over to.

He wouldn't let the damn sickness take him before he did.

He went over and over again around all the facts, every single detail.

He knew very well that since the diagnosis, Starsky was almost never alone. The only days he was, were before he started the batches of chemo when he had to go to Memorial during the Afternoon. At least, that was what had happened on July the 7th, before the second round, and every single day that he had to run tests during the afternoon hours.

After all, life went on, and his friends should continue living their ordinary lives too.

So he knew that since his meeting with the Doctors was scheduled at midday, Sam or Huggy, most probably were going to take him to the Hospital and then Starsky would stay alone there while they ran their tests and exams.

That's the way it had been before.

That would be his chance.

According to the white folder, the day before he got his rounds of chemo he had to go to Memorial at two p.m. to check his blood cells counts and to perform a CT scan. They did this because they had to compare the last scans with the results after the chemo. He also knew that in that opportunity after staying alone at the Hospital, he usually left alone too and took a cab.

This time, it would be his cab.

He wondered why Starsky had stopped driving lately, but he figured out that maybe something related to the illness would be the reason.

The priceless information provided by the white folder made his task much easier. He always had been a hard worker and a very persistent and dedicated researcher. So he felt that fate had just been fair with him this time. Having reached this invaluable information by chance, was of the essence and yet another sign that his master plan had to be executed.

The white folder was a prophecy; it said that the third and last round of chemo would start on Friday, the 22nd July, the day after.

It said that Starsky should go to Memorial and then that he would be hospitalized until Monday, the 25th if everything went smoothly.

And the day before of the last batch of chemo was today.

After that… who knows?

There weren't any further annotations.

So, by all means, this was his last chance to know where he was living since the white folder schedules, ended this day.

Today.

That's why it was his priority, and that's why he had to take this new risk.

He would use Ian's Driver License, and he would be him for one day, and also a Cab driver or whoever he needed to be if it was what it took.

He had no limits.

He would be at risk for a few hours while he drove a stolen car, to carry Starsky home and find out where he lived. He would change its plates, and then he was going to drive the car to his father's warehouse in the dirty and abandoned dock, and there wouldn't be any traces of him anywhere.

Of Ian, nowhere.

He wouldn't get rid of the car though it was dangerous. Maybe, he would need it again.

He could not deny that the adrenaline of this whole case seduced him much more than the others. Hell! He couldn't deny that the victim himself was much more stimulating than the others.

The man was inspiring.

To approach him, to get him, to conquer him was proving to be a fascinating challenge. He knew he would so enjoy this last experience since he had never felt so thrilled before.

Starsky, The man, would be the perfect climax of his life.

He had awakened early in the morning, anxious and thinking about Ian.

That's why he had killed the man. He needed him to get to his fantasy.

*********************S&H**********************

At lunchtime, he went to the Yellow Cab Co.'s Parking Lot at Rosecrans Ave. He impersonated Fletcher and took his cab, and went straight to Memorial, straight to the Eighth Floor of Memorial.

The Oncology Ward.

"Excuse me, Good afternoon Mrs., I'm sorry, but I understand that one Mr. … Starsky, could be? That he has an appointment with Drs. Murray and Novak, the oncologists, at 2 PM. today," he asked politely.

"Yes, that's correct; he's being treated by Dr. Garrahan right now," Peggy, Dr. Murray's assistant at Memorial answered diligently "So you are? Why are you asking?"

"Oh yes! Excuse me! I'm from the Cab Company," he extended his hand to the woman. "There's one reservation, and I'm in charge of carrying the patient home on this occasion." He showed her his license "So if you don't mind I'll wait for him here."

"Oh, no problem, it's okay, you can sit down there and hold on. When Mr. Starsky finishes his consultation I'll go and get him." She said politely.

"Thank you very much."

********************S&H********************

One hour later Starsky came out of the Doctor's Office.

The brunet's appearance shocked him at first.

He hadn't seen him closely since the day in the Alley.

Ian Fletcher, Russell Bromley, Daniel Blythe or whoever Madoc Parry thought he was at the time was transfixed; Starsky's looks really affected him to his core.

The fake cab driver became restless and agitated; that closeness was something he had not experienced before with any other of his victims.

Never.

He felt that the cop drew him like a magnet.

He felt that the forcefulness of Starsky's nature was extraordinary, even though he was slowly withering; he realized that the power of his energy was incredible.

Rightly, Dobey had always protected him, and Sam had chosen David over him.

"_They were right. Starsky's amazing. He's surely something else."_ he thought, and after a few minutes in awe, he perceived that the old and efficient assistant was signaling him that the brunet was the man whom he was waiting for.

"This is Mr. Starsky," she said to him as if he had not known… he stood up.

The handsome man waved the assistant goodbye, she rubbed his arm and whispered something in his ear, motherly; Starsky smiled softly and tenderly that sweet smile of his and nodded. Slowly closing his eyes, grateful and excited.

He knew the cab driver was waiting for him, so he looked at "Ian," and gave him his kind and compassionate glance, which almost disarmed the phony driver.

The troubled and sordid man had mixed feelings.

He wanted to have Starsky.

He was craving for the man for more than three years ago.

The cop was in his nefarious plans, in his dreams, and in his nightmares too.

He also dreamt of him awake.

Starsky was everything and was everywhere.

He wanted him to be all his and give him all his love.

He also wanted to punish him because he had stolen everything from him.

However, he wasn't sure if the cop would be able to stay alive until that final moment and it scared him a lot.

"_Damn Cancer!"_ He thought.

Starsky was thinner than he usually was and paler, but then his nature was so extraordinary that nobody could tell that he was dying of cancer. Neither the assassin who had been privileged enough to have seen him at his fullest before, since the man still looked wholesome and healthy, incredibly healthy.

He was a miracle.

Anyway, he also realized, that this day something was different.

It seemed like Starsky looked weaker than before, and he could barely move.

Somehow, something wasn't right at all.

The moment he left the Hospital, the cop relaxed and faltered. He let his tiredness took over him, so his condition worsened as if he was playing a role. The real Starsky was weaker than anybody could believe and that, after less than one month of chemo.

"_Damn Cancer!"_ He thought.

An ironic thought struck the impostor; the cancer was worse than he was.

He smiled. Starsky had more than nine months to go, yet.

Supposedly.

Although he would see to it, that it was not going to happen.

Regardless of the fact that seeing him the weird way he looked today, he didn't think he would be able to make it either.

The good-looking man looked very sick actually.

He felt sorry for him.

This amazingly strong man so powerful and superb, who had taken everything from him, was dying.

He had to hurry up.

Sadly, he felt sorry for himself, too.

To lose the chance to admire his magnificence, since his decaying had slowly begun.

He decided, he promised to himself, he wouldn't let his cancer wins over him.

What bound him to Starsky was a love-hate relationship.

He swore he would be 'the only one' to finish the brunet, not cancer.

He was so beautiful, so utterly perfect that he wanted him to suffer.

Starsky was making an enormous effort to walk toward the Parking Lot where the car was parked. In fact, he was making a subhuman effort only to walk, and a colossal exertion to hide his weakness. The brunet pretended to hide how fragile he was but, when he was barely arriving at the Lot, the cop couldn't help but stumble.

"_Damn Cancer!"_ He thought.

The cab driver helped him get into the car since it seemed he would fall anytime again.

He had never seen him so sick before.

Something was wrong today.

Starsky sat on the back seat of the car and closed his eyes.

He asked the driver to open the window, and he seemed to be breathless.

He started talking. He asked the man, who had made the cab's reservation. He couldn't shush the cop who lived in him. So the driver lied to him and told him that the woman, Murray's Assistant had made the reservation since he knew that the police officer wouldn't check it out with her.

The brunet tried to be kind.

Starsky was a charming man indeed, but five minutes after the trip began, he fell asleep.

More than that, he slowly started to fade away.

The phony driver looked at him in the rear mirror.

"_Oh! David"_... He thought.

He had lost the impressive mane of his, but he still had lots of hair; now it was shortened, and even his usually dark and shiny curls sprinkled with gray.

That made him even more attractive.

The man was utterly fantastic.

He still had his handsome features; they were still there though today, those features were full of pain.

Having known him before, the way he did, Madoc realized he was so full of angst today. Something was wrong.

Starsky seemed to have aged years during this past month, and that same maturity made him even more attractive

Only his eyes remained the same.

His incredibly blue eyes, which seemed to have his own sky inside them, were extraordinary. He was gorgeous.

He almost seemed inhuman.

However, he looked spent, dead, burnt out. Even his glance had no spark.

His image reflected in the rear mirror was otherworldly, ethereal.

His head was resting on the seat back, his mouth opened, gasping for air, his chest... slowly rising, slowly falling.

It was surreal and painful and stimulant and exciting; he looked utterly helpless!

"_Oh, David…"_

He could have done whatever he had wished to him at that moment.

He felt so tempted.

He could barely follow the road ahead, distracted by David's reflected image in the rear mirror though he should hold back and refrain.

It wasn't the right time yet.

"_I have one more month to go until I have you,"_ all his characters thought in unison.

He drove Starsky to the Beach house in Santa Monica since he had already given him the address. He woke him up and asked him if he wanted, if he needed, to be carried inside the house, offered him his help. Starsky apologized to have got asleep and said that he was tired but that he would do it by himself. Anyway, he admitted he was concerned; that had never felt that bad before; told him that he had cancer, terminal... though he frequently didn't feel that sick and weak.

"This day is different, I feel really sick." the brunet cop had admitted before getting off the car.

For the first time after his diagnosis, Starsky was worried that he started feeling so feeble.

Something else was happening to the Brunet, and he was longing to know what it was, but he couldn't move away from what he had planned. He had to get rid of the car immediately, so he accompanied Starsky to the door; he paid him "Thanks, Ian" the cop said, and closed the door behind him.

"Ian" went to the curb, started the engine and searched for the side road that would take him to the Pier, where he had planned to leave the car abandoned to get rid of it.

So he did.

One hour later, by the name of one such "Ian Fletcher," he was renting a flat just in front of Starsky's house on the beach to make proper surveillance.

At five PM, he saw Huggy's ineffable lilac convertible entering the garage. The tall black man was carrying two bags of groceries.

At 7 PM, two hours later and when Sam's car had also arrived; he heard the terrifying sound of an ambulance siren.

Through his front windowpane, he saw Starsky's body, motionless, strapped down to a stretcher, barely covered, that was being wickedly handled, viciously steered.

Ian got scared. Only David's head was moving, erratically and unwillingly because of the mad rush, which the two paramedics had undertaken.

The rest of him was incredibly idle.

He was still and lax until an unexpected bump happened, and his right arm disengaged sluggishly dropping limply to his side. David's hand was dangerously near the ground while his face faded, fiercely hugged by the so vital oxygen mask that was covering it.

From a distance, he could also see Sam, who was even more scared than he was and frantically running aside Starsky with the IV bottle in his hand.

Sam loved him.

"_Oh, I hate that!"_ He thought.

Something was utterly inadequate.

Out of place, like he felt he was.

They were transporting David to Hope; at least that was what the logo in the Ambulance banner said.

**ACT 22 \- APPLESAUCE AND TANGERINES -**

"I hafta go, Karen," He said anxious and upset.

"Hey, Kenny, you told me you were going to stay here until the beginning of August. So what's wrong now? What's the rush for? It's the 20th of July! You haven't even finished your vacation!"

Karen was uncomfortable, her relationship with his older brother was paternal and warm, and she felt protected by his presence. Now that her father had died, she realized that she had started needing her strong and brave brother to be around, much lately.

She was going to miss him.

"I can't stay here anymore, Karen. I've got a feeling... I must go back. It seems like this vacation is lasting for munce at a time" He said in his never forgotten Minnesotan language.

"Oh, come on Ken! What are you gonna tell mamma, uh? You always end up being the runaway son for her. This is your home; we're your family. Nobody but we are capable of comforting you the way you need." she tried to convince him.

"Home's whatever place you long to be Karen, dear." He ran his fingers through her hair, "I've had a lovely time visiting you, and mamma and your kids. But home's where the heart is, and I think it's time I go back to fight for my partner and get my life back in California where my heart is."

"Leave it goes, Kenny, leave Starsky goes. The way you've been suffering you don't deserve. I used to like David but... He can frost my butt now!" She was really pissed off with the brunet; she felt that he was hurting his brother without end. "He's been selfish, immature and unfair with you. You don't even know what happened to him except the fact that he couldn't get past that stupid mistake you made about your relationship with that Kira."

"He said that it's got nothing to do with her, so far. And now that I'm serene, that I've taken this time for myself, I believe in him. I realized he was saying me the truth. This has nothing to do with Kira or the things I've done with Kira. Some detective I was! That's why I have to find out. Something has happened; I can't accept it otherwise. Something should have, and I'm afraid how difficult it might have been for Starsky to taking such a decision." At this time, the flaxen-haired man was convinced that something really difficult should have been the reason for Starsky's behavior.

"You mean that maybe is it something related to your work? A threaten? You guys are always in danger!" She asked worriedly.

The idea appeared in Hutch's mind upon his arrival at Duluth. "Yeah, I think so. I'm sure this is something related to our work. I don't know" He was sure that maybe, some unexpected enemy from their past could have returned to put their lives at stake, and his friend only wanted to protect him.

"You tried calling him by the phone? I mean, he said that he went to New York, didn't he?"

"No, I didn't try to reach him by the phone, I don't think that that would be a good idea either. I'd better get back home, my home, and try to find the reasons why he left. I don't think this Caroline could have cajoled him at the point that leaves me, and his job would have been an option for him either, so I'm sure there must be something else."

Karen had met Starsky fifteen years ago, the first time she had gone visiting Ken to California. Her brother and his friend were both at the Academy by the time.

When she went to their graduation day, she grew very fond of the good-looking, charming and extrovert man. Starsky was such fun, she spent many times rejoicing in their relationship, but mostly she had learned to love the brunet through her brother's eyes.

Hutch loved his partner.

Moreover, after those first times when she met them together, she realized that the feeling was mutual.

Starsky loved her brother too.

No one ever dared to deny that.

So when her brother came to Duluth the first days of July, visibly disgruntled at his partner's behavior, she felt sorry for the loss of the most extraordinary friendship she had ever dared to imagine. She never thought a relationship like theirs was possible to exist. She couldn't believe what was happening to them though she felt happy for having his elder brother back at the same time. It was a strange feeling.

Yeah, she missed Ken, a lot, though this sorry excuse for a man, so Ken's alike wasn't her brother.

Not without the spark that his magic relationship with the childlike and brave Brunet gave him. It seemed to Karen that her brother was so absent and lonely, that she couldn't help but feel sorry too.

"So what are you gonna do, Ken?" she asked him.

"I don't know," Hutch filled his lungs "But now that I'm calmed down, I decided that I won't give up. I never did before, so why now? I won't lose Starsky without a fight. I know, I feel that something's wrong, and I'm determined to find out what it is. You and Mamma gave me enough strength to do so and I'll be forever grateful for that. Thank you! But I hafta go."

On the 21st, July Hutch arrived at LAX airport

*********************S&H***********************

After the Medical Board determined that Starsky was eligible for disability retirement Sam and Huggy started taking care of him.

He moved to Sam's house on the beach to rest, or as the brunet funnily said to spend his 'Applesauce Retirement'... since he was supposed to be in New York.

Sam moved to the Beach house too, to live with him.

Anyway, his and Huggy's condition as Starsky's main caretakers were severely threatened by the arrival of Caroline to their lives - to Starsky's life, indeed -, lately.

The girl was getting closer and closer to their friend. Increasingly more intimate.

Fortunately.

After the second batch of chemo, their mutual attraction couldn't be ignored anymore, she was feeling more and more attracted to him, and so was he. Her feelings for the Brunet became unmanageable so, she had already stepped to one side as one of his personal physicians and having cast aside his medical care, there was no need to hide the way she felt about him anymore.

Dr. Charles Garrahan, who was a young and successful doctor and another of Murray's assistant had replaced her. The young doctor was going to work with him concerning Starsky's medical treatment, that's why, many times, even every day, after working hours, the beautiful doctor took her place next to Starsky's to taking care of him.

That way, she allowed Sam to keep on doing his work and Huggy his chores and going to The Pits.

Though hard it could be, for all of them, somehow, life went on, no matter what was happening.

When Huggy was at the beach house, taking care of Starsky, he was delighted to enjoy his moments with his friend and it showed. However he couldn't help but feel melancholic sometimes, and Starsky couldn't help but realize, pretending that nothing happened most of the times, it was a very good time for the two friends.

Although, at other times, It wasn't easy.

Being sick, the way he was, it was like saying an endless and painful goodbye. Every single minute of every single day caused pain - spiritual and even physical -. Moreover, it was the reminder of what Huggy was going to lose; they were going to lose, and they were going to get hurt. But they were stubborn, and they loved each other enough to insist on being together and having the calmer of times at the hardest of the periods.

Then there were sometimes that Starsky was like his old self. His sense of humor was intact, and they could spend all night having weird conversations and telling funny stories.

Sometimes life had been comfortable, and they liked to recall.

The first time the curly-haired man came from the East for example.

They spent hours and hours talking about those first days. At first, they were all amazed by Starsky's cocky Brooklyn's manners and rebel demeanor. However, the lovely boy had quickly adapted to life on the West Coast and its more comfortable air. All the citizen insight he had brought from the big and modern city fell in handy in the neighborhood when needed and Starsky turned into a praised leader, almost immediately. They started calling him honky, and by the end of the first week in Cali, he was already their buddy too. In fact, he was so adorable, that Huggy's mom, Vivien, fell in love with him at the very instant she met him, she used to call him "my cute blue-eyed angel."

Yeah… life had been much easier before though sometimes it hadn't been, and they also remembered.

So there were those other times, many times when Starsky was down, and nobody did know what to do. Sam said that it was a typical reaction, his way of coping; that the illness itself had its own stages, its ups, and downs. He stated that they had to pass the worst of times together… that there was nothing else that they could do.

"_Bullshit!_" Huggy thought.

And then, after the good and the bad and after everything, it was Hutch. Or most precisely, he wasn't.

Hutch was an issue, the brunet, could hardly talk about. He didn't do it, in fact.

He didn't dare to open the albums.

He didn't want to see any picture of him either.

He hurt so much.

Everybody realized that Starsky was scared; his personal deadline was coming to an end, and his prognosis kept being the same. And he had remorse.

The lack of confidence, whether what he was doing, was the right thing to do; the certainty that he had decided to deprive himself of, perhaps, what their last moments together were going to be; the conviction that he had denied them to his friend too.

The selfishness… everything was slowly killing him.

No longer he knew whether his air was elusive by cancer or by the lack of this vital man beside him, his breathing man. Those times, when he missed Hutch so much that he needed him and nobody else but he around.

Those were the hardest times of all.

Huggy had just arrived from the bar at the house, he had gone to the grocery first and had bought vegetables and many tangerines. Starsky was really craving the tangerines lately; nobody could understand why. Caroline was busy at the Hospital, and she wouldn't come. She would stay during the next day with Starsky at Memorial when he was going to take his last batch of chemo, but then this night, it would be just Huggy and the brunet. Earlier that day, Starsky had gone to check his vitals before the last round to the Hospital...

Starsky had felt very sick all day, but he hadn't said anything to anybody except to that gentle cab driver. So when Huggy arrived home, Starsky looked very distressed and was sitting in the rocking chair by the window to the deck.

The brunet wasn't smiling or talking much since the day before, and he felt like his muscles were stiff and curled from the lack of use. He felt cramped; his muscles and lungs, even his brain, felt like shrunk. He felt he could think, but very little; that he could barely talk and was almost not breathing.

There wasn't air, nor room.

There was No Hutch.

*******************S&H*********************

"What's going on Starsky? Is something wrong? You went to Memorial today. What did they tell you?" Huggy had realized that his friend was distant since the day before.

"Yeah, I've been in Memorial; everything's okay, but I hate I need to stop by weekly; hate that place, but guess I have no way out of it. I feel weird, some things I mean... I think that I should ask for some guidelines for these days, for some things that don't know how to handle... ask for some advice, I - I feel strange, like a lame duck, Huggy." The brunet was scared about the way he was feeling, this time, physically.

"But what do you feel, Starsky?"

The brunet man sighed, spent. "I feel weak," he said.

"Hey, I can prepare you some broth. My salty concoction will lift your spirits." Huggy told him in a flourished and grandiloquent way.

Starsky was worried; he wasn't feeling any well since the day before. He had a strange sensation as if he had lost all the contents of his bloodstream like he was being emptied.

"You talked to Garrahan about it?" The lanky man said.

"Yeah, I did. Charlie said that it's normal being at the third batch and feeling like this." The brunet raised his eyebrows and sighed.

He felt a lack of everything.

"Yeah. I guess it is. Remember Caroline had told you that it got worse and worse every passing round?" Huggy grimaced "Tomorrow's the last day, pal, maybe that's the reason you're feeling this sluggish. There's too much at stake, besides the fact that the moment to face Hutch is closer" Huggy frowned, and Starsky cast sheep's eyes towards him. "Hey, you don't miss him, Curly?" Huggy softened his voice, brotherly.

Starsky just looked at him. He seemed to be unable to utter a sound.

"Starsky, you should call the blond-blintz and tell him; whatever has happened before or whatever tomorrow's gonna happen or whatever it'll be what the 8th August they're gonna tell you."

"I will honor my word, Hug." Starsky made a long pause; he was slow, and Huggy wondered where Starsky's thoughts would be. "But still...," the Brunet started pouting, "It makes me feel sorry," he took a deep breath to stop the feeling "I've tried so hard, buddy. And I'm scared," he said depressingly.

Those last few days with Starsky had been awkward and challenging.

While the final round of chemo was approaching, it looked like the only thing that he was able to do was sitting in a rocking chair outside in the shade, wiping his brow.

He looked so fragile and frightened.

"_What if he had failed?"_

"I'm terrified, Hug. What if nothing has changed?" the Brunet said just.

"If nothing has changed, that would enough prove to you that you need Hutch more than any medicine to survive. Think about it buddy!" the old friend from years said, he knew him that much…

He kissed Starsky on his forehead.

Huggy stood and left the deck to go to the kitchen, leaving a pensive Starsky behind surrounded by his ghosts.

No more words were needed.

Huggy started thinking about their situation; about the way they were going to deal with Hutch at the moment Starsky tells him, and he finds out. It had been 20 days since the blond's departure. The troubled slim man began to accommodate the things he had bought in the cupboard.

"You rest buddy! I'm gonna prepare the soup" he shouted at Starsky.

Starsky didn't reply.

Since the third round of chemo would start the next day, Sam was going to come home and pick them up to take them to Hope. For some strange reason, it had been established that Huggy would be his companion during chemo, besides Caroline, of course, "_damned lucky I am!"_ He thought.

Though he would do anything for his brother, though he was doing everything for him Huggy wished with all his heart that his commitment might be over as soon as possible.

Huggy was afraid about the immediate future. The second round of the drugs had been beyond all bearing, and he didn't want to know what this third batch would have in store for him, for Starsky and all of them. He had those mixed feelings like everybody else lately had. As if to end the chemo, would be the only way that Starsky would have to avoid suffering, and at the same time, he felt scared that maybe to stop chemo would be his ending.

They didn't know. Life could be a contradiction.

Anyway, like every day, Huggy, lost in his reveries, began to prepare the broth,

"_Yeah, the broth! Who would have thought? the grease junkie eating soup."_ Huggy laughed aloud at the secret thought.

Starsky ate tangerines and tons of broth since the first day the nightmare had started because it helped him keeps his electrolytes in balance. That was especially important since he was undergoing cancer treatments with severe vomiting as side effects.

Caroline had said that sipping clear liquids throughout the day would also help him to prevent dehydration, the worst of the enemies, so Huggy was always chopping the damn vegetables. He joked that doing it, was his daily task; his main contribution to Starsky's recovery.

So Huggy was distracted, thinking about the once iron cast stomach his dear friend used to have when he suddenly heard an ominous noise coming from the living room.

"Starsky, my man, what happened?"

Nothing.

"Buddy, are you okay?"

When no answer came, Huggy left the knife on the cutting board and ran toward the source of the primary noise.

His breath got stuck in his throat when he saw his friend; Starsky was sprawled on the floor of the living room like dead.

"Oh, My God!" Huggy cried.

Within seconds, Starsky had crumpled to the ground like a lifeless rag doll completely unaware of nothing around him while a tremendous amount of blood was coming from his nose and covering his face.

Huggy felt frantic.

"Starsky, come on buddy, what happened?"

Nothing.

Huggy tried to stop the bleeding, but the bleeding didn't stop.

He applied pressure with his fingers below the bridge of Starsky's nose, but the bleeding didn't stop.

He kept the brunet's head raised, but all his efforts were futile, and the bleeding didn't stop.

Huggy sat him on the couch, trying to put the pillows behind his back to keep him upright, and the bleeding didn't stop, either.

His nose couldn't stop oozing blood and Huggy couldn't stop the bleeding.

He didn't want him to swallow that blood; he feared he would drown in it.

Starsky's skin was frost; he was so out of it, like cold turkey.

Huggy tried to keep him upright and held him the best he could while with his left hand he immediately called 911. The thin man could hear the sounds of his friend's rapid heartbeats and his breathing which was increasingly hollow. Huggy could tell that Starsky couldn't draw a breath, he seemed as if he couldn't as if had ceased to do it plus the blood that he kept losing.

Huggy was desperate and panic-stricken; Starsky was frigid and white, completely unresponsive.

He could not stand this anymore. "OH, God please, please God! Starsky!" Huggy shouted desperately

Luckily at that moment, Sam arrived, and the EMT's, too.

They stabilized the brunet enough to transport, and they carried him to Hope.

Undoubtedly the third round of chemo would have to wait.

*******************S&H*********************

"Huggy? What happened with Dave?" Caroline was transfixed; they had called her from the nurse station telling her that Starsky had been admitted.

"Oh, I'm sorry Caroline, I don't know. I was chopping the vegetables, and suddenly he was sprawled in the living room. I think he hit his nose or something. I didn't hear him coughing, so I don't know, maybe he just stumbled and started bleeding. Oh, I'm so sorry."

"Oh, come on! It's not your fault Huggy, be calm; maybe this is something about his platelets. It's very common at this stage of the treatment… Lemme see. I'll be back in a minute."

And she disappeared through the sliding doors of the ER.

One hour later, Murray, Garrahan, and a very white, terrified Caroline approached Huggy, who was still waiting in the waiting room for any news. Sam had gone to telephone Captain Dobey to inform him about Starsky's condition, so he was alone.

"Hey, he'll be okay, Huggy. Don't be scared." Garrahan said reassuringly. "Be calm and try to relax, this is an expected consequence of the chemo since it destroyed the platelets. The most typical of the side effects, trust me".

Huggy sought comfort in Caroline's eyes; as she had predicted, it had been an issue related to his platelets. She was standing there, still and silent and nodded to Huggy to stay calm though she couldn't help but being worried while Dr. Garrahan kept on saying. "There's nothing specifically that we can do now to prevent thrombocytopenia from happening. I mean a normal platelet count ranges from 150,000 to 400,000, and now his count is below 10,000, it has dropped alarmingly fast but... I mean, I've been with him this afternoon, and I wasn't expecting this to happen, that's true, but It did. This is what usually happens." the Doc raised his eyebrows, stating the obvious and trying to ease the panic. Huggy couldn't disguise his worry and Murray realized. "Huggy, you'll see. Two days from now he'll be as good as ever." He added encouragingly and finally said "This usually happens with chemo, and he has received a rather high dose in a considerably short time," he tried to reasoning. "I've already prescribed a transfusion of platelets, only platelets." Murray continued, "I can't deny, that he's at severe risk of bleeding. I'm also concerned especially about any possible internal bleeding, but you have to stay calm because we have it controlled."

Murray looked serene, and that same serenity was what he intended to transmit to Huggy and Sam, who had just arrived after calling Dobey.

To try to calm Caroline was a different task anyway and he barely achieved it.

The girl was pretty worried after having seen him.

"Just tell me, did he complain about blood in his stool or has he been coughing hard lately, making a strenuous activity or lifting heavy objects?" Charlie Garrahan asked.

"Not that we have been told, his coughing was just the usual and skip the heavy things or the strenuous, energetic tasks. It's been two days he can barely move." Huggy said matter of factly.

"Okay. Anyway, we'll delay any further treatment until his platelet count returns to normal levels. So since the batch was scheduled for tomorrow, we're gonna keep him here just to control him, and we'll see how it goes, okay?" Garrahan said, and Caroline interrupted suddenly…

"I'll stay with him, I …" she was very nervous and agitated, but she did say it anyway. The four men turned their eyes toward the girl in expectation. "Well, I have to be early tomorrow here, so I can stay with him and take care of him" She explained herself unnecessarily, "And well, you can go home, Huggy. Sam? He would be in good hands I guess, wouldn't he?." she smiled.

"Of course." The two friends nodded lovingly.

"The best, I guess," Murray added

"Anyway, I would like to see him before I leave. May I?" Huggy said, feeling a little bit guilty about everything that had happened

"Of course, we'll settle him, and you can go." Garrahan finally said.

One hour later they entered Starsky's hospital room.

The brunet was barely awake and breathing hard still clutched to the blood bag attached to his right arm. His face was ghastly white, and he tried to raise his head when he saw his friends coming into the room, but his movements were clumsy.

"Hey buddy, stay put. You feeling better?" Huggy's soft tone tried to reassure him, for some reason they could feel that Starsky was agitated and confused. Huggy was very concerned, and he looked nervously at Sam, who was beside him.

"Calm down, buddy, you're all right, why are you so jumpy?" Sam could recognize that something else was going on, Starsky was edgy, and he needed to keep cool.

"Sam, I don't wanna stay here, I wanna go home... I have to go." Starsky was desperate and scared.

"Easy, easy man, easy, everything's okay. Sure, try to relax." Sam frowned and made a gesture to Huggy to go and call the nurse.

Starsky was visibly upset; he should be sedated for his best interest; Sam kept on caressing him and speaking slowly, trying to calm him down.

"Listen, buddy, I got some good news for you, you're gonna stay here tonight, and you know what? Caroline offered to stay here and take care of you, but I guess not as a physician. So she will sit with you," he laughed and winked his eyes to him. "What about that? do you like it?" Sam realized that no matter what he was saying, Starsky wasn't paying any attention; that he didn't understand what he was saying, as if the brunet was just elsewhere, distracted. "Buddy, just tell me how are you feeling?"

"I'm scared. I never felt this sick and weak before. Now I know. Now I know, Sam. I'm dying, and there's nothing anybody can do about it. I'm feeling worse and worse every passing day... I feel freezing; I'm cold, and I'm tired. Who can help me, Sam? I need to see Hutch right now. I won't ever get better, won't ever heal. I need to see him right now. Where's Hutch? I don't wanna die here, alone and without him. I wanna go home, and I don't even know where my home is. I… I don't even have my home." he released the pressure he had put on Sam's arms and closed his eyes again.

"You ain't gonna die, Starsky! Sh! Sh! Buddy, calm down. Why don't you try to sleep? I'll take care of everything. It was about time you wanna see your partner; I'm happy you finally decided to contact him. Twenty days has been long enough, hasn't been? I'm gonna find Hutch, for you, okay?"

Starsky opened his big blue eyes terrified and put a dead grip on Sam's arm, "See? So it's true! You think I'm dying, don't you? That there's no hope."

Sam frowned "I didn't say that, Starsky. You are not dying, man."

"But you have always supported me and my position and now, all of a sudden, you came along with me and offered to go and search for my partner? So you mean that I have no more time. See? You think I'm dying, that's why... My time has come, I feel it, I'm gonna die..."

"That's not, Oh! Please, Starsky! You know damn well that that's not it! I think that it is just about time to telling Hutch the truth, that's all. It'll make you feel better; you know I always thought that your idea of hiding from him was stupid, everybody did. But you dying so soon is not the reason..."

Mary, the nurse, had just opened the door with Huggy behind and started searching for a vein to injecting him. Starsky was so out of it that he didn't realize. "I'm dying, I'm fucking dying" he repeated.

"You're not dying, Starsky, you're weak and tired that's all, and confused. Try to sleep, do you wanna sleep? Sleep, buddy. In the meantime, I'll go and search for Hutch." Sam caressed his head and his cheeks.

"No! You don't. There's still some time! I still have time, lots of..." Starsky's eyes were closing "maybe, I'll get better..."

"Yes, you'll get better, Starsky. Now you sleep, rest," were Sam last words.

A nod. "I will, I'll... I'll get better."

"Sure you will, buddy."

The nurse had already injected him a dose of Intravenous Midazolam into his vial. In a few minutes, he started to relax slowly and fell asleep.

"Okay, sleeping beauty, have your golden sleep." Huggy kissed him on the forehead; he had been a witness of everything. "We've gotta go and find Hutch, Sam. I'll call him to Minnesota." So they dim the lights, looked at Starsky, who was lying flat on the bed and decided to leave him alone, they couldn't stand being there anymore.

Before they left, they talked to Caroline.

She cleared all the doubts to Huggy, and Sam even brought the psychiatric aspects of the state in which Starsky was in.

The organical dysfunction caused by the lack of platelets and the fear of the last round of chemo was causing this unexpected reaction. Starsky's first crisis; that was entirely reasonable and expected by the oncologists.

They said that it could happen; it was a crisis and nothing more than that.

She also assured them that she was going to help him cope with it.

The next day, as they had expected, he had fully recovered.

The platelets were up, and they started the third and last, for now, round of the treatment… with just one day delayed.

This time the chemo was a killer.

*******************S&H*********************

"He's feeling worse Sam."

They were talking worriedly, just beside Starsky's bed, without looking at themselves but with their eyes fixed on their friend. He was sedated.

The last batch of chemo had destroyed him, literally, and their moods were through the ground.

"This round's been devastating. I think we knew it might feel worse this time, hence his previous reaction, but even though we knew it, he's been taken by surprise at how hard the nausea was," Huggy shook his head and grimaced. He was mumbling beside his friend, didn't want to wake him up, "It's been terrible, Sam. Even Though, Caroline was by his side and gave him his sickness tablets at around 5:00 am, by 9:30, he needed another one. I asked the nurse, but she couldn't just give him another since Murray didn't authorize it… So he felt sick to the bones during the whole morning until 1 PM. I mean Sam, why had this to be this hard?" Huggy was actually starting to falter.

"Yeah, it's been a month, and I'm asking myself that same question."

They stayed that way for a long time, watching his buddy slowly breathe until Sam started talking again, reflexively.

"I'm just hoping Starsky will be alright and that the next CT scan comes back with good news. We have to keep up hope, our faith intact, Huggy."

"Yeah… I hope so too" he sighed "so uhh… when he wakes up, they're gonna perform another PFT to check how well the treatment's doing, right?"

Sam nodded. "Right! And I hope that the tests will come better" Sam shrugged "Well, maybe, who knows?"

The 25th July, a day later than planned the third round of chemo had come to its end. The previous weeks had been difficult, but this last batch of chemo, as Huggy had said, had been terrifying.

Besides the visible effects of the treatment over the yet seemingly strong and healthy body of Starsky, the physical tiredness was evident. That and the mental exhaustion that keeps the situation secret from Hutch supposed to him was costing the sick man more than his already weak body could take.

He felt like he lived in a rollercoaster of emotions.

The pain was actually incommensurable, and everything else was destroying him, stealing his soul.

Only Caroline could provide him a little solace… some perspective, anything different and fresh and new. Her relationship with him was grounded and built, not only in the obvious and inevitable physical attraction that they shared but also in a profound emotional communion and their mutual skin. At least Starsky had Caroline, but still, the lack of his partner in his life was slowly sinking the brunet into a depression from which he could hardly get out. The void that his absence was causing to him couldn't be patched.

In times like these, some patients, just like Starsky, didn't want to talk about his fears or concerns with their loved ones or friends. Speaking to a stranger sometimes could be better, or easier, that's why he could be more opened to a new relationship, like in Caroline's case. The new relationship that had started in his new reality. But with the old affections, the painful truth usually was so hard to handle that somehow the patients tried to avoid contact with particular people.

Often the most needed ones.

In fact, sick people wanted to avoid being a burden to their loved ones usually. That might be because they thought that they didn't have the words to describe the way they felt or because they feared they would break down while talking. And, above all, because they could hardly accept what was going on to themselves.

However, the support of family and friends was of much importance in the way a terminally ill patient cope with the treatments. Paramount, since the lack of such support, could mean the difference between life and death sometimes.

Huggy and Sam, even Caroline, had talked to Starsky about it, several times.

In Starsky's case, though friends, dear friends surrounded him, the most significant person in his life was out of it, and it was killing him.

Caroline decided that whatever it had been what he had decided, she should help him accept his fate and gave him the strength to overcome this situation and talk to his dear friend.

She only wished it would be enough time.-

*******************S&H*********************

"Hutch?" Dobey was surprised.

The big man was almost paralyzed and stayed dumb the moment the blonde detective showed up in Metro. He did not expect to see him until the 10th August, approximately, and by then, he was sure that Starsky was going to fulfill his part of the deal and tell him the truth. However, when the blond detective came to the station, unexpectedly, the captain could not handle his nervousness.

Dobey didn't like lying and didn't feel comfortable in that position either.

Not anymore.-

"I decided to return earlier, Captain. I was thinking a lot about everything all this time, and I'm different. I feel different. I decided that I won't let go Starsky from my life like this" he snapped his fingers. "and without reason."

"Well, Sergeant, not all things depend on oneself, sometimes" the captain was trying to appease his spirits and sounded casual.

"And what do you mean by that? You know something about Starsky that I should be aware of?"

Dobey stood up and looked out through the window at the street. The topic scared him.

"You came back different? the way I see it, not so different, Hutchinson, I can tell," that was the only thing Dobey could think of. "_The best defense is a good offense,"_ he thought.

Hutch stood up, untimely and Dobey continued, "Where're you going?"

"I'm telling you, Cap; I still have more than twenty days off vacation. My time. You won't help me? I'm a detective, and I will find out!" and he started leaving his Captain's Office and slammed the door behind him.

"Hutchinson! I remind you that there's already an investigation going on that you are still currently assigned to."

So far, there was no one to hear him.

*******************S&H*********************

"Caroline, this is Dobey. How's Starsky?" after Hutch left Metro the Captain immediately called the beach house since the day before Starsky had been released from Hospital.

"Hello, Captain Dobey. He's okay, much better than yesterday, thank goodness!" the girl said relieved.

"I'm so glad about it, but listen to me, I don't know how are you gonna handle this with him, but, Hutch's back. The man's determined to find out what has happened to his partner, and he looks so serious about it that he didn't give me any chance to try to cajole him into anything. What's Starsky gonna do?"

She took the time to gather her feelings.

Everybody had told Starsky many times, even the psychiatric who supported him at Hope, that deprives Hutch of what was happening to him was cruel to himself and especially to Hutch. Anyway, the stubborn man had insisted that he wouldn't tell him anything about how sick he was until the last round of chemo. He vowed he wouldn't hurt him again.

From the very beginning of everything, it had been the dilemma. To letting Starsky get on with his ploy or don't let him do it.

Looking at him now, slowly and slowly decaying, like falling apart, they all wondered if they should have been more professional at the time; if they should have stopped the ridiculous situation.

As a police officer, his commanding officer in Dobey's case; as a doctor in Sam's case or just as a friend in Huggy's case.

When it came to Starsky's feelings, they felt that fighting him would have been disloyal.

Sadly, they had reached the realization that either way they were going to betray him.

And worst since without Hutch, they knew how much he was going to lose.

The time was coming relentlessly.

They knew it would be harder and harder every passing day.

Every passing day, everybody could tell that Starsky needed Hutch more and more, and he also missed him.

And that he was getting worse.

After this last round of chemo, the whole ordeal was costing the brunet more than he could endure. Neither Caroline could make up her mind, whether what the most intelligent decision should be. She was also confused and scared. Her little wonder was reduced only to watch Starsky breathe; which had been a herculean task and had proved to be enough for the girl. She couldn't ask for more, but then, she realized that Starsky couldn't keep on living without the love only his dear friend was able to provide him.

Even she realized that all that he had done was out of love.

"I think that the time has come, Captain Dobey. I'll tell Dave. I'll convince him. It's not important what has happened with the chemo, not anymore. Whatever the results might be, I'll make him call Hutch."

After one month of cancer, everything was coming to its end… the lie too. It was becoming unbearable for all of them, and as it had happened with Dobey, the remorse was coming for Sam and Huggy, even for Caroline though the young woman didn't know Hutch.

Even though the girl just knew a part of him.

The most valuable part of him.

Starsky.

"Hopefully, the next weeks, till mid-August, are gonna be better since he'll be chemo free." She ventured.

So they would talk; he would be more focused, and she will try to talk some sense into him again. Convince him that he should tell Hutch. Besides she was sure that the news about the treatment was going to be just right, so Starsky would tell him.

"_Of course there will be good news,"_ she thought.

"You'll see Captain, everything's gonna be okay. I'll make Starsky call him," she promised.

**ACT 23 –LET'S STAY TOGETHER-**

"Honey, Motek."

She took a lock of her hair and tickled him under his nose.

Starsky was soundly asleep. He slept blissfully.

It was early in the morning; she had just arrived at the Beach House from her night shift in Memorial. It was cloudy, and the sunlight was just starting to break the leaden sky.

"My baby, wake up, gorgeous," she said lovingly, only a whisper.

"Mmhm, hmm, hmm" he mumbled something.

She looked at him, to his face, and he smiled a sleepy smile.

"Hey, good-looking, wake-up! It's eight o'clock, and you should get ready for your morning walks."

"Morning walks? What's that?" He sat on the bed, barely, and stretched his arms to the girl to hug her. "You remind me of..." he stopped short, suddenly.

Caroline knew damn well, whom she reminded him of.

And she did it on purpose.

"Who?" She said distractedly.

"Oh! 'S nothing!" He sighed, "no, worries…" He tried to evade.

"Hutch. Isn't he? I reminded you of Hutch," She said all at once.

He didn't say anything.

"Dave? Dave, do you like me?" she asked him unexpectedly.

He didn't say anything.

"I mean, I think that Hutch will hate me when he meets me and thinks that it was because of me that you left him or quit the force. If you like me, you should protect me. What will happen when he meets me?"

Starsky stayed silent.

"You know," she shook her head, "You guys should be together as soon as possible. Besides if he recommends you those healthy habits of his I'm sure he will be the best of your medicines."

"Cary, please…" Starsky said finally. His looks were visibly troubled.

"Don't Cary me, David Starsky. Please." She looked him straight into his eyes. "You're okay now. Next month, in a few days, they will tell you how the treatment's going, how it went. Why are you so odd about that? Please? You need him, Motek. I can be beside you and I will, I'm eager to give you everything and I will, but he's your best friend. I can't replace that. I actually can't replace him. Nobody can. You've got your strength from Hutch; you needed him to survive in the past… What makes you think that he's dispensable now, that you won't need him to survive in the future?"

"I won't survive, Cary," he said plainly and disconsolate.

"Motek," She caressed his face, she adored him. "I want you to feel okay, and I need to meet your partner, Dave. What are you so afraid of?"

He took a long time for the answer.

"_What to say? How to explain the girl? How to tell her everything that was behind, our story together?"_ He thought.

His soul was a jumble of feelings; he felt like bent in two. He missed Hutch more than he missed his life itself. He needed him, and he knew he was dying.

"Hutch has always fought for me, Cary; and he has always won. He revived me, how many times? He saved me, saved my life and gave me strength. He doesn't know defeat." He sighed deeply, "How am I gonna expose him to lose for the first time? How am I gonna expose him to lose me for good this last time?"

"Without you, he's already lost everything, my lovely and sweet man."

And they hugged each other, endlessly, until the moment she kissed him and with her eyes full of tears, she said, "That's the phone over there. He's just arrived from Minnesota. Your Captain called a few minutes ago; he told me that Hutch was back and determined to find out what happened to you. You tell him, before he finds out, Motek. He's waiting for you, honey."

Starsky nodded, "_this woman,"_ he thought, "You're my God's gift, babe. The last one."

"I'm sure there will be more than me for you, Motek."

It was Thursday, July 28, and it seemed incredible that a week before he felt like he was dying, and four days ago he was puking his guts in the hospital. The chemo was really crap, a misfortune. Since he was released on the 25th, only he had felt all right during a few moments the past three days, but today, today he felt just fine.

However his health was not the only thing missing, besides it, it was Hutch.

The conversation with Caroline had been revealing; she had pulled a string nobody had done before. How could he dare imagined survival possible without him? He realized he had never thought in survival after his diagnosis, that he had only thought in the end.

She had talked with her heart, and she was right.

He needed Hutch more than anyone in the whole world to try to stay here.

*******************S&H*********************

The phone was ringing, persistently.

He could hear it from the outside while he was opening the entrance door to his Venice Place apartment.

He had gone to his morning jogs, like every other day he had done before.

Before Starsky had left him.

Before his life turned into a slide of sorrow and uncertainties.

"Hello?" he was sweating all over and puffed for the lack of air.

"Hutch?" A heartbeat suspended, "It's me, Starsky."

Starsky had his face wet too… though not because of the sweating.

"Starsk?" the blond-haired man sounded out of breath.

"Hutch, buddy. Yeah." A deep sigh, "It's me. I'm sorry, Hutch, I'm sorry, partner. I…" the brunet man broke down, sobbing. The moment was far harder than he had thought and too much to take at the time.

"Hey, what's happening Starsk? You tell me. Is something wrong? Where are you? Still in New York?"

"No. Oh... Yeah. Yes! I am..." He didn't know why but he had lied again.

Perhaps, in that way, he thought that he could gather more strength to face him until the 8th August when he was going to find out if the treatment had been successful or not.

Suddenly, he decided that he was going to face his partner with the truth after that day.

Ten days from this day.

"Are you? Or you are not in New York" Hutch sounded confused.

"I am but, I'm leaving, today, in a… Few hours. I'm gonna visit my girlfriend's family in Connecticut, yeah." He realized he needed more time to meet him.

"So you are with her?" Hutch asked intrigued and at the same time disappointed.

"I am, I am. But tell me, how are you doing, buddy?" Starsky changed the subject, instantly.

"Well, here I am. I grew a stache again. You go 'n figure."

They both laughed.

"Yeah, I can imagine, but, are you okay?"

Hutch kept silent. He couldn't figure out what was happening.

"Hutch? You angry with me?" Starsky realized that he ought to be more convincing if he wanted to make Hutch feels right, so he continued saying. "I just wanna reassure you. I just wanna tell you that I'm fine. That everything's okay and that soon we're gonna be together again", '_that the worst moments had passed, that I've ended the chemo, that maybe I'm not dying…"_ He thought, "I'm going home again, Hutch. Next month, the 10th, I'll be back in Bay City."

"Starsk, It's been more than 20 days we haven't talked. You left that day, saying that maybe you wouldn't come back. Now, you're saying that everything's okay, that you wanna reassure me and that you're coming home. I'm happy about it, crazy about it and extremely relieved... There´s nothing more in the whole world that I want. So yeah! Let's stay together, buddy but... but what?" he said almost angrily, "You tell me, what has happened, why you have left? What happened with that girlfriend of yours?"

"Nothing!" he laughed, "You'll love her, you'll see. You've blamed her for my decision to leave, haven't you?" "_The women's sixth sense,_" Starsky thought. Caroline knew, undoubtedly she was right.

"Well, I figured out that you left because of her, yeah! Because you were dating her. And I blamed myself because you remember Kira. I thought that my treason could have been the reason you had left in the first place, leave it all behind and go after your lady. Perhaps, if the roles were reversed, I would've reacted in the same way" the blonde-haired man reasoned, "I mean, I can understand."

"But I've told you that Kira wasn't the reason; damnit! You can be stubborn sometimes!" he chuckled and filled his lungs with air. He felt he could breathe even better now. "Oh Hutch, how I missed you, buddy."

"I missed you, too."

They made a long silence, closed their eyes. Their bond was intact, even though the time apart, even though the lack of certainties, answers, and all the doubts that surrounded them; they couldn't match this feeling with anyone else in the whole world. Starsky realized that he had tried hard, but he couldn't.

That was a feeling of completeness.

"Of course! I've already told you that it had nothing to do with Kira, buddy. But..." Starsky said finally, and Hutch interrupted him.

"... Yeah, I know, and then I realized that she couldn't have been, Starsk, that she wasn't enough." The blond man completed. "And I need to know now. What happened? Did someone threaten you? Threatened you with me?"

Starsky smiled, relieved. Then again this feeling of fullness intoxicated him, but at the same time, he felt sorry. Hutch continued saying. "I figured that nothing less than that could have been. But I also know that nothing will ever be sufficient to destroy us, to separate us."

"_Except cancer,"_ Starsky thought but couldn't say. The brunet was thrilled, he couldn't talk, and Hutch realized… so the blond one said. "Oh, come on, tell me! What has happened? I need you, buddy. We need each other, don't we? I'm sorry, I'm not angry, but I miss you, Starsk. I've been in Duluth, you know. It had taken a lot of time to me to realize, a lot of thinking, but I did my homework, and I realized that Kira couldn't have been the reason you had left. I know that there must be something else, something wrong. And I want you to tell me, I need you to tell me. I have lots of questions to make, buddy…"

"In a few days, Hutch. I'll be back in a few days, and then we have to talk."

"But are you okay? It's been 28 days, pal."

"You're listening to me. I'm okay," Starsky said firmly.

"So you'll be back with me? In the force?"

"I'll be back with you. In fact, I never left you, buddy, never."

Hutch smiled, flattered. "There are so many things that I want to understand. I have missed you so much, Starsk. I need to know if you still love me, pal, and in that case if you still do… How come that you didn't need me all these days? Because I died a little every passing minute, and I'm still dying here without you. This is killing me."

"We're both dying, buddy" Starsky stopped.

He felt it had just been another revelation. They both will die when everything comes to an end. This time, there wouldn't be any way out of it, for any of them. He knew that he wouldn't be able to protect Hutch; that one way or another he was going to suffer. "That is what I found out and the reason I have called you. We cannot be apart Hutch. You and me, I need you too; I always told you that I do."

"So if you really need me, please tell me. What's going on Starsk? What's happening?"

"I won't tell you over the phone what's going on, what has just happened. I just want you to know that you don't have to worry, not anymore. I just want you to know that soon we'll be together. I just want you to promise me, that in the meantime, you'll be okay and that until the day we met you won't feel sad or worried because everything will be fine, and soon. We're gonna be together in no time… I've already made up my mind" he made a pause "Wednesday, 10th August. That's the date, partner. I'll be back in Bay City the 10th August, and we'll never be apart again…"

"But, are you okay? Why is the waiting for?" Hutch was extremely excited and anxious.

"I'm telling you. You hear me? I'm okay. You don't have to worry. I'm all right. I'm okay, buddy and longing to see you. You can trust me, or you can't?"

"I trust you, partner. I always did and I always will. It's me and thee forever, Starsk. Thanks for calling me. I feel like I can breathe again."

"Yeah, well said! I wish I could too," was Starsky soft and careful answer.

*******************S&H*********************

After his conversation with Hutch, Starsky felt that he had the whole world in his hands.

A wave of optimism took hold of his soul. When he hung up the phone, Caroline said, "Do you realize that merely talking to him on the phone has changed your aura?

He laughed, but he knew she was true.

He had made nonsense; he had taken a stupid decision, but it was in the past.

From that moment on, he was going to enjoy those ten days, until his last appointment and diagnosis and then, he was going to be reunited with his friend. In the meantime, he was going to enjoy life, without chemo on sight or anything else.

He felt marvelous.

He started going to his morning's walks alone; he began cooking some meals, and he had even regained his appetite. He sang, played guitar, crafted his modeling ships and watched TV, and even he had soaked up the sun on the beach.

Certainly, Caroline's imprint over his life was having the desired effect since he enjoyed his moments with her. While he was with the girl, he seemed to forget everything. There were no traces of the illness; when he was in the company of the beautiful and intelligent woman he felt optimistic, like his old self and unscathed too.

Well, the feeling was mutual.

She seemed to be delighted with Starsky.

Besides, he was very grateful for the way she coaxed him to call Hutch, he wouldn't ever forget.

Hence, until the day the Doctors were going to tell him how the treatment was affecting his cancer so far, until then, he knew, he was going to enjoy life and Caroline too to its fullest.

He knew that his future was waiting for him after the 8th day of August.

So he was in superb moods.

*******************S&H*********************

At the beach, on Wednesday, he had met by chance the same kind cab driver who had driven him back home from Memorial the other day.

Ian was his name, and he invited him to go fishing.

Since he was alone all day until Caroline or Huggy or whoever was scheduled to be with him were back home, he accepted his invitation, so they had gone together to the Pier.

The little man was weird.

A little bit bizarre, he could tell.

There was something odd about him like something was misplaced, but then, he was alone and bored, and he thought that it would be a good idea to enjoy their mutual loneliness.

Starsky thought that Ian was a shy and insecure man. The man was a loner who felt attracted to the stories that Starsky told him for some strange reason. Ian listened in awe, especially those fantastic tales related to gunshot wounds, beatings, and kidnappings, and all the police stuff.

"_Wait for the moment I'll tell him about Gunther,"_ Starsky thought.

So he felt good, helping someone else feel better.

On the other hand, he could spend some time listening to the man's weird stories about acting, too. He could also make his own recounting of each one and every one of the undercover missions he had undertaken during all his active years. Ian seemed fascinated by Starsky's impersonation of a burnt out vigilante police officer, the role he had played when he dismantled Fargo's Committee. It looked like the cab driver was impressed by such a display of bravery and masculinity. Starsky thought that Ian believed he was a hero, some Hollywood Starlet. And Hollywood, the cab driver had said, was the main reason the weird little man had come from New York to the Los Angeles area in the first place.

To succeed.

"I'll be famous, David. Everybody will know my name, you can count on that, I'll make it to the cover of the Magazines," the little man had warned Starsky.

Anyway, Ian was good company for him; the man seemed to be very friendly and solicitous, and he had offered himself to help him when it comes to hand, doing errands and so. That was what Ian was doing after Starsky had called Hutch and Caroline went to Memorial for the day to work.

He was doing the errands for Starsky.

It was midday, and Caroline had said that she would be back to have lunch, but then she didn't show up. She got stuck at Memorial with a patient who made a turn to the worst; she already had called Starsky to tell him that she wouldn't be home until three p.m. or maybe later.

So he was bored and flustered.

When Ian knocked at his door carrying the bag of groceries that day, he offered Starsky to go out with him to the Pier again, and he accepted.

"_After all, Caroline won't be here for a while,"_ he thought.

He wondered why the man was so interested in him, but then, he could use a little company too since sometimes, especially at working hours during the day, he felt very alone. They were walking on the sand, to the pier, when Ian asked him how he was doing...

"You feeling better, David?" the man asked concerned, after what he had witnessed the past week when he brought him back from Memorial in the taxi, he was worried about David.

"Well, I haven't had any fainting episodes during the past days so I'm expecting that the doctors would confirm me the NED diagnosis in my next appointment," Starsky chirped.

"And what's that? What's that NED diagnosis?" the man asked.

"Oh, yeah! I shouldn't have known, either," Starsky smiled at his surprising medical jargon "Well, it's the acronym of 'No evidence of disease.' So I think, hopefully, that it is what the docs will say in my next appointment." He shrugged and raised his eyebrows.

"I'll be rooting for that, David" Ian encouraged him and smiled.

"Yeah, thanks, I know." The brunet man said.

He had accepted Ian's invitation, willingly.

Before they had left the house toward the pier, yet again to go fishing, at Ian's suggestion, and since he was waiting for Caroline to arrive, he wrote her a note. The man even dictated Starsky the text, and Starsky granted him funnily before they left.

He scribbled,

"_I got tired of waiting, and I went._

_Starsky."_

"_She will love it! Believe me, women adore big 'machos.' The more you treat them badly, the more they will worship you."_ Those had been Ian's words, and though Starsky wasn't so sure about it since his strategies differed from those of the 'machos' when it came to women, he found it very amusing. As well, he felt weak enough already. He decided he wouldn't miss the chance to feel a bit powerful about something again… Or someone. Macho or not.

He was bored, and he liked to play.

"She will be pissed off," he told Ian "You must meet the woman" he finished.

"She won't. She just will love it. You are very masculine David. I bet that that is your best asset with her."

Ian regretted what he had just said, instantly, but then he realized that Starsky wasn't paying attention to the real meaning of his words, and he felt relieved.

"_The poor man has no idea,"_ he thought.

They started walking to the shoreline, but the fake cab driver realized that Starsky was just elsewhere. And he was. The cop had his sight lost in the shoreline… thinking "_Yeah..._ _It wouldn't be a bad idea to show the beautiful and self-confident lady doctor who calls the shots here, a__ small dose of my old self here, a little bit of my trust and rigor there... and she'll have a crush on me! Oh, God! It's been so long"_, he smiled while he thought.

"What are you laughing at David? What are you thinking? You got distracted" Ian asked him.

"Oh, no I'm sorry. Just thinking" the brunet man said.

"You are not afraid that she will get angry, are you?" Ian winked his eye "Because I can see how you're licking your lips in the anticipation."

"Oh, she will be! but maybe I just want that to happen. I mean if she gets angry, I'll be more than willing to give her a real reconciliation later. So nothing better than to have a good excuse for it." Starsky chuckled naughtily.

"As I told you, David, she'll love it… and the aftermath will be better" "_you bitch lady,"_ he thought.

"Yeah," "_I can feel I'm in charge again! Thanks, Goodness!"_ Starsky thought.

Those were the reasons why. Those were the needs that he needed to experience, a little bit of action and the certainty to be in charge of his life again.

Starsky missed himself so much.

He had lost Hutch although he was starting to get him back. He had begun to lose his body. He had lost the sensations that crossed through it; his sick body had started to betray him, many times, and he didn't want to lose his heart too.

Until his last breath, he wanted to feel alive. He would fight to feel beloved and to love until the end. That was his essence... but it takes two to tango.

He will have Hutch back again, in a few days.

Now, he had to go for her. He also wanted Caroline.

He knew that she would be the best of partners.

He liked her very much, and he wanted to be with her too, so he thought that provoke her a little, would be a great idea. He realized that she didn't have the courage to take from him all of his, even though she wanted to, that she didn't want to pressure. He knew that though he didn't have much time, she had been patient, and she could wait. He knew that she had had sufficient greatness to deviate herself from his side when she realized that he was overwhelmed by the disease.

And he knew that she loved him, pure love. He felt her love.

And so did he, though yet didn't tell her.

She loved him enough to let him be; to not make him feel pressed. He felt that she was waiting for him, that she was confident and loyal, and, above all, that she was not selfish or insecure.

She had returned him, Hutch.

Now, he wanted everything.

So, he played along with Ian's idea since he was feeling very optimistic. He decided he would invite her to dinner on Saturday, to mend things between them after the soon to be 'disagreement.' She will be angry by his words in that note, he knew her that much, but candle lights and moonlight and all will overcome her anger.

"_I'm just two strikes against,"_ He laughed at the idea. "_It will probably take me some effort, but I love getting into the full swing of things; I wanna give her a little of the Starsky stuff… Here I come again, hotshot!" _ He thought.

When he came back from the pier, he was going to make the reservations in advance.

He was sure she was going to fall into his trap.

"Thank you, Ian… with Caroline maybe I can kill two birds with one stone," he said aloud.

"Same thing I've been thinking lately." Ian agreed and said mysteriously.

*******************S&H*********************

They shared an incredible and romantic night out together.

Their first one.

They were happy, and he felt splendid, he even made plans for the future forgetting everything. He had invited Caroline to Geoffrey's, a restaurant perched on a romantic Malibu hillside at the PCH, where the former Holiday House used to be.

He had even driven his car up there.

The road ahead was empty; he had never driven that road before.

The wind was hot on Starsky's face, and the scenery was a blur of color.

The sun was behind him; Caroline thought that he was the most handsome man she had ever seen in her whole life, "_Oh God! I've never felt this way_", she thought.

They had eaten, drunk, listened to the music, done a little dolphin-watching and when the night fell, a bit of star-watching too and then, well, yes! That way it had ended.

The atmosphere was romantically prepared.

Since they arrived, a woman was singing covers with a band. Caroline recognized one of the songs, Roberta Flack's "The first time ever I saw your face."

She was intently listening to it while looking at Dave; she thought the lyrics could have been inspired by what she was feeling at the moment.

"_The first time ever I saw your face, I thought the sun rose in your eyes and the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave to the dark and the end of the skies, my love..._

_And the first time, ever I kissed your mouth I felt the earth move in my hand like the trembling heart of a captive bird that was there, at my command, my love…_

_And the first time ever I lay with you I felt your heart so close to mine and I knew our joy would fill the earth and last, till the end of time, my love_

_The first time ever I saw your face your face your face your face."_

Oh, how she wished everything was going to happen. Everything, finally. "_This man's gorgeous and beautiful,"_ she thought.

On Saturday, 30 July, they shared their first romantic date, and they would never break up until the end.

"_The vistas are spectacular at Geoffrey's, and so is Mr. David Starsky"_, Caroline thought. The way he looked, with the sundown behind him. The way the sun's rays played with his suntanned skin, making his sparkling eyes glowed even more than the blue sky itself fascinated her. His stunning smile would be forever etched in her soul and her ears, which would be ringing for their time being together. He was a display of beauty and elegance.

But all those sensations and all those times that she was experiencing and maybe soon were going to be gone, somehow, made her maudlin and made her feel despair in the anticipation. It was very unfair.

She knew she wouldn't ever forget the way she felt when she was beside him. She knew.

She would never forget their first date.

He had eaten a New York Steak, and she had eaten a Filet Mignon, and then, they had eaten a Maple Blueberry Cheesecake.

Together, sharing one single spoon.

After a while, he stood up, suddenly, and asked the band to play one song. They nodded at him, and when he got back to their table, he had a naughty grin on his face.

Besides his classic and masculine features, which made him look like a Greek God, she could tell that he was hot. "_Yeah, just that, so damned sexy!"_ And he made her feel like she was in a Hollywood movie; "_he looked like a movie Star,"_ she thought.

He was charming, alluring and sweet and the best-looking man she had ever dated or even seen. She felt silly because she was smitten by his gorgeousness, Starsky knew damn well all the tricks of the game.

And he was a good player.

When the band started playing, he began staring at her, persistently, provocatively, and she just couldn't resist.

Gee! They were sitting on that fabulous flower-filled terrace that overlooked the Pacific Ocean, they were eating that exquisite and tasty food and drinking an excellent Chardonnay but yet, she couldn't take her eyes off him. For Caroline, he was the most magnificent landscape she had to see.

She thought that he really looked fabulous, that he was a dreamy creature in his beige trousers and his light blue shirt with the blue jacket.

He seemed to be the prince of her fairytale.

However, she knew that he could wear a black robe, or maybe he could be naked that he still would look fantastic.

It was not the clothing.

"David here," the crooner pointed out to their table, "asked us to play this song for his beautiful lady," he said.

"Well, maybe he was asking for something else, Frank?" The voice from the guitar player came from behind.

She blushed and raised her eyes to look at him.

Everyone paid attention and watched. Caroline felt like she was the envy of all women there.

"So this is it, from David to Caroline, 'Let's Stay Together' a song by Al Green" the crooner smiled, and he started singing.

When the first chords of the song began to sound, she could not stop giggling like a little teenager. She was very nervous indeed. She felt her heart would skip out of her chest.

Starsky smiled and started making the mimic to the track, word-by-word, sentence by sentence and never took his eyes off of her.

"_I'm... I'm so in love with you_

– His eyes were all over her _-_

_Whatever you want to do, Is all right with me..._

– One, two, three nods, and a shy smile -

_Cause you... make me feel so brand new..._

– A complete, full smile and he opened his eyes wickedly -

_And I... want to spend my life with you..._

– a puppy dog face, he raised his eyebrows and shrugged -

_Let me say that since, baby_

-He took her hands and held them -

_Since we've been together_

-He ran his hand through her hair and through her face and patted her cheek, sweetly -

_Nooo, loving you forever_

-He shook his head, closed his eyes and pouted -

_Is what I... need...?_

-"That's all I need Caroline," he said in a whisper, softly but hungrily… -

_Let me... be the one you come running to..._

-"Please, come with me, though my forever seems so short, come with me," he said aloud and extended his hand toward her inviting her to stand…-

_I'll... never be untrue... Ooh, baby..._

_Let's, let's stay together..._

-he hugged her and started dancing, whispering in her ear -

_Loving you whether, whether_

-"I'm nuts about you," he said, softly -

_Times are good or bad, happy or sad_

-"That's all I have, baby, maybe more bad ones than good ones, but the little time I have is for you," -

_Ooooo... Oooo... Yeah..._

_Whether times are good or bad, happy or sad_

-"Happy or sad but ours, okay? I wanna share them with you." -

_Why, somebody, why people breakup…"_

She couldn't make a sound.

They never made it to the end of the song. No one there needed to figure out why they didn't.

"_This is by far the most romantic and exciting moment I had in my whole life," _Caroline thought. She was exhilarated.

"I can stare at you forever, Dave. You make my dreams come true," she said without thinking. She just couldn't refrain herself since she felt completely infatuated with the man and the circumstances.

He was so fine, so fine.

She thought that his handsomeness was unstoppable. Just like he was.

She felt bewitched by him. "I've never felt like this before, Dave. Thank you. I'm… Oh boy! I'd never met a man like you; I want this moment never to end."

And they kissed.

It was the old story of men and women. She felt like she would like to marry him anytime but yet the mere fact that he was a man, prevented her from going any further.

She didn't want to pressure him.

Besides, his cancer, above all.

"_Why has this to be so hard?"_ She thought.

They left the restaurant and went to Caroline's and shared their first night of love.

*******************S&H*********************

One week later, they were still like that as if the time was coming to an endless loop, and they were always stuck in the same place.

"You're so good, so good, honey," He said tenderly. He was getting tired, and she was cradling him on her bed. "Cary, do you really believe that?" He insisted and asked her.

"Well," as she spoke, she played with his chest hair, up from the breastbone down to his navel. "We presume that the chemo has apparently shrunk the tumors in your chest, and that's why more air is moving, causing the syncope to go away. It's still an assumption, Dave. I can't lie to you, they still have to run more tests, conclusions…," she said.

"Mhm…" he was almost dozing "that's why the lack of faints, you mean?" his eyes were closing.

"Yes."

She ran her hand to the bridge of his nose and his lips while he nodded almost entirely asleep. He sighed, relaxed, made a little noise and cuddled into her arms, then he made a soft puff, and she realized he was out.

She stared at him and decided that she needed to memorize the very texture of his skin, every single scar, every little trace.

She needed to treasure the warmth and power of those muscles, which moments before, had overtaken her and that now looked defenselessly wrapped in her embrace.

She would record in her mind, each one of his breathing sounds that were slowly ebbing away. That precious rhythm of his chest that rose up and down, for the future; saving them for when they would be scarce, saving the entire he, for later.

Just in case, because who could know when, if…, the magic would happen again.

So she caressed him yearningly while looked at him in ecstasy and stroked his curls.

She thought he looked like a little boy and finally said to no one.

"Believe me, Motek. Surely these tests will prove how successful the treatment has been," those were Caroline's last words; also her wishes, before she fell deeply asleep, too.

*******************S&H*********************

Nobody could deny.

The fact was that the sum of these last events had raised their hopes high.

Anyway, though her wishes, the emotional uncertainty still was the hardest part for her, even for them, to take.

The doubts were lurking and were still there.

If he could get over his cancer if he would overcome it, who knows?

She felt like they lived in a daily nightmare. Wanting so much for the hope that would materialize in a positive diagnosis and a glimmer of light that the chemotherapy was helping, and at the same time, knowing that his illness was incurable.

But yet again, what if she was wrong?

He had had an x-ray last week after his third dose of chemo, and he was feeling splendid this week; these first days of August had been perfect, best in months so far.

It had been a week since they went to Malibu.

They had shared all their time together, and he was feeling better and better every passing day. He was optimistic; he was waiting for the day of his appointment to call Hutch and end this nightmare, and he had started this beautiful relationship with Caroline.

A future.

A promise.

She realized that she didn't care about anything else but him, being with him, talking to him, watching him.

Nobody and nothing didn't matter anymore.

She was smitten.

Starsky was a miracle; she was sure that he could make miracles happen so, who knows? Maybe?

Hopefully...

Next Monday, on the Eighth Day of August they would know at Hope.

**ACT 24 – SORRY SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD -**

"I'm sorry David; we compared the last x-ray to the first ones we had taken. You had two tumors in your right lung, both approximately 5 cm. they were pretty big, and… although we discover that one of them has reduced significantly in size, the other one has increased."

Murray made a little pause and Starsky and Sam coolly accepted the diagnosis and grimaced as if they had known in advance.

But they hadn't.

They were expecting to hear something radically different.

"_Life really stinks, and cancer is the epitome of Murphy's Law," _Starsky thought, so he said… "Damn! If it could get worst, it sure gets worst. I mean, this is always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black!" He smiled, "But no worries, after all, I've been told lots of times before that this disease is incurable, haven't I?" Starsky shrugged and looked at Sam who was silent, and sad.

Dr. Garrahan, who was there too sighed and continued. "We received a consultant report that confirmed that cancer's still in your right lung, lymph nodes in the chest and…" the young Doctor made a pause, "... that, unfortunately, it has also spread to the mediastinum. So, It's not great. I'm sorry."

Garrahan had already discussed Starsky's treatment with Murray.

The most experienced doctor didn't seem to agree with the younger's more aggressive approach to the illness. But then, seeing the results, Garrahan was more than pissed with himself for having accepted Murray's ideas instead of giving a fight for his. So he sighed and said what neither Starsky nor anybody else expected to hear.

In fact, what neither of them expected to happen.

Cancer had advanced.

The doctors were visibly heartbroken.

Both of them and for different reasons.

Murray felt depressed and guilty. He looked despondent.

He knew that the tumors wouldn't disappear but then, the continued advance of the metastasis was an outcome neither he nor Garrahan and let alone Caroline had expected to happen. He should admit that maybe Charlie could have been right and that maybe they should have tried the new combination of drugs the younger doc had suggested.

Murray was convinced that the side effects of those drugs would have been devastating since the dose they had already prescribed to Starsky had been the strongest they could administer. Sadly, seeing the state the cop was in he regretted having discussed with his colleague the use of this cutting-edge medicine.

The fact was that the failure, the impact was so hard, even Caroline wasn't there.

She was also devastated.

"Well," Starsky smiled with resignation "I guess that I just have to take each day as it comes, haven't I? Hey, by the way, where's Cary?"

Both Sam and Murray nodded sadly.

"I'm here, Yafe."

She was standing at the doorstep, and she was looking at him serenely, her eyes were red with tears. He smiled at the compliment that boyish and charming smile of his.

-Yafe meant handsome in Yiddish-.

"C' mere," he said softly and protectively. He said the words in the unique and manly combination that only he could use. She did. She also started crying.

"Hey," he raised her head "I'm asking you, please? You don't have to feel sad, babe. I was never told that you were gonna cure me. It's only you what I need, I need you like a heartbeat. C'mere," and he hugged her even more firmly.

The truth was that the impact of the news had almost floored them.

When they arrived home, they were downed. Caroline almost had lost all her glee, and Sam and Huggy were also devastated. Let alone Starsky, who was immensely sad and felt terribly dejected.

On Tuesday, the 9th August, 24 hours after the diagnosis that the doctors had given him on Monday, Starsky went into a downward spiral from which everybody really thought he would never resurge.

The days following this, until the 15th, were the worst of their lives.

They didn't know if it had been the impact of the news or what, but they were sure he would not survive that first fortnight of August.

Five horrifying days, during which everybody thought that he wouldn't make a recovery.

Starsky was dying, and he was dying alone.

*******************S&H*********************

"It's OK, Caroline. I see what I can do. No worries, you take care of him I'll take care of Hutch here. Is he at the house?" Dobey asked Starsky's lady.

Starsky was getting worse, and there wasn't going to be any possibility that he would meet his partner the next day. Not in the state he was in.

It was August 9, the eve before the partners had scheduled Starsky to go back to Headquarters and meet up with Hutch again. But as for the way he was feeling since the day before, she knew he wouldn't.

Much less Hutch could face Starsky's reality being him sick as he was. They should wait until he recovers.

The reunion that Starsky had planned before the doctors had given him the diagnosis was not meant to be…

"So you are at Memorial? And who's staying with him?" Dobey asked concerned, Caroline's voice sounded so troubled, that he thought the woman was hiding him something else. "Tell me, Caroline, what's going on with him?"

"Caroline?" Hutch said.

Suddenly, without any previous warning, the blonde-haired man entered into Dobey's Office.

"Hutch? How long have you been here?" Dobey said frightened.

Surely the blond man had listened to the last question Dobey had asked the woman.

The trouble was to determine whether it had been the only question he'd heard or not. The Captain had his back to the door. He was sitting at his desk and looking through the window while he was talking with the girl, so he didn't realize that Hutch had already entered his Office.

"Enough time to hear to whom you are talking. This Caroline, have you met her? You know her? She's Starsky's girl, isn't she? What's going on here, Dobey?" Hutch's eyes were like two flames, and he was ignited by anger. He hadn't even called him Captain.

"I have to end up, gotta go, Caroline. Bye." Dobey stood and told Caroline; he hung up the receiver and tried to get to Hutch. "Calm down, Hutch. It's not what you think. Why are you so angry?" The Captain was confused. He didn't know what to do or what to say. There was no easy way to conceal that he was talking to this such Caroline.

"I'm not angry, I'm furious! You were talking with Starsky's girl for Christ's sake! You were talking with the very reason he's gone away in the first place, and you even sounded familiar with her. And I have no right to be pissed off about it?" Hutch was derailed. He felt flustered and betrayed, to say the least. "How? When did you meet her?"

"You just listen to me; that's not what you think. This is not what you think" Dobey tried to explain.

"And what is what I think? You tell me! Captain, please! What's going on with Starsky? How come you are that familiar with his girlfriend?"

Dobey was desperate; he didn't know what he should do. "There's something I have to tell you Hutch, but you promise me you won't get angry about it. Uhm… Something happened to Starsky… he, well..." Dobey stopped short in his tracks, "_what am I doing? Am I crazy? If I talk I'm gonna kill him",_ he thought, so he continued saying, "He won't be here tomorrow, that's it. That's why I was talking to his girlfriend. And yeah, I've met her, yeah. I met her some time ago; that's why she has called here. To ask me to tell you that he was not going to be here tomorrow… That's it!"

"And she knew that we were going to come across together? Oh! That considering she is." Hutch said ironically "She called to alert me? Come on!"

"Do not be cynic, Hutchinson! Starsky has asked her to call me and tell you, so you do not have to worry."

"I don't have to worry? Oh no! This is entirely reasonable; I don't have to worry. Now, why didn't HE call ME? This is ridiculous! Maybe he thinks I'm dumb enough to believe that she works as a proxy or that he has a personal assistant… Making his mysterious girl call? Oh, come on? So I don't worry? Well, seems to me, I'm even more worried than before. This girl, she's just a mystery to me. She stole my friend mercilessly, and I don't like her." He smiled sarcastically and shook his head as thinking and, above all, feeling small, subtle. "But then again, who cares? As if it mattered Starsky anything about what happens to me! Oh Captain, the same mysteries, intrigues ... Please, I'm fed up with all this crap."

Hutch went straight to the Office's door. He was out of control and as wild as a wrecking ball.

"I don't know why you are so angry. She just told us that he wouldn't make it tomorrow," the Captain tried to appease the blond man.

"She? Us? This is between Starsky and me! Not she, not they, neither us, not anybody else! And you ask me why am I angry? You know what day is it tomorrow? 41 days being separated!" Hutch shook his head, "And he won't show up. It's half past seven, and he's telling me by proxy that he won't turn up, he didn't call, anything! He made her call you; oh come on this is sick."

"Hutch, be patient, the way you are now... this is much better than the way you were before."

Dobey tried to calm the waters but...

"Patient? Am I? Better? I'm tired sick of being patient" Hutch felt sunk in his sorrow.

Since the day that he had returned, and after Starsky had called him, he had been in an excellent mood. His old self, restored. He was waiting for the next day in high spirits.

Until this moment.

"Well," the Captain tried to justify "... maybe he had something, I mean something happened to him, something unexpected..." Dobey was at a loss for words; he was trying to protect Hutch only from another disappointment.

"Why are you so understanding, Cap? What do you know? You know something I don't?" Hutch asked curiously.

"Listen, Hutch," Dobey stayed stunned for a while, he thought what to say if he should tell him the truth. Dobey thought he would burst. "You and Starsky are in the right way; you are going to be together, finally. You have to wait for some more time, maybe a few days, I mean. He's coming back home, soon."

"Did she tell you that?"

"Yes, that he'll be here, in a few days. So it's just a matter of patience."

"You kidding, Captain? Patience? Time? Waiting...? What else? He called me ten days ago. He told me that he was going to be here on the 10th August, and he calls the day before, to cancel? Well, in fact, his girl, called." The blond haired man shook his head in disbelief. He felt a mixture of sorrow and impotence he couldn't handle. "Sometimes I think that he's been abducted by some aliens or maybe that he's been infected with a strange virus that affects his brain and prevents him from thinking correctly! He's playing with me, he's punishing me, us, and I won't stand this anymore, I won't stay here anymore. You tell him if he comes that he can meet me at my place. I'll be there holding my own until I get tired of waiting."

Hutch slammed the door behind him.

*******************S&H*********************

The transformation that the man had suffered from the first day, in which Starsky had gone away, had been at least, significant.

At first, Hutch had run. He had been restless and curious.

And then Starsky had called, and Hutch had stopped.

Until the 9th of August, he had been anxious and expectant. And wishful.

After that day, he had started running again.

After his friend left, at the beginning of July Hutch had gone through different stages. Without the brunet whirlwind in his life, the blonde-haired man felt that he became altered, mutilated. He suffered the worst of the losses, he lost the most important part of himself, and it showed. He had been anxious at first and worried, and then he had been hopeful though scared, but, at the same time, he had been convinced that something else was going on with Starsky. First, he had suspected about Starsky's reasons to leave. He had blamed himself. Other times, he had doubted about the complicity that Starsky could have hatched among his fellow Officers and Dobey to get away with his plan. He knew there should be a plan and he was suspicious.

But then, he felt that it was Starsky's and the other's prerogative; he knew damn well that what he was feeling was exactly the measure of Starsky's feeling toward him.

As if it was a matter of reciprocity.

He knew he would go to any lengths to protect his partner, he knew that Starsky might have embraced the same commitment. He realized his partner, was protecting him from something or someone.

That was the cornerstone of their friendship.

To do whatever it takes to protect the other and make the other feel safe, to be there for each other. Even not be there if it was what was necessary. And disappear.

And their mutual company was what happened to be broken for one month and ten days ago.

And though he could understand it, he couldn't accept it.

He had realized that something was going on and then, after some time, he was determined to find out. His intuition and his nature would not deceive him anymore...

He felt that he had been born to protect Starsky, and he knew that his friend had been threatened by someone or something; otherwise, he wouldn't have left him behind; never.

So that's why he wanted to prevent any harm to his buddy.

For this reason, he would fight for him, and he would be his shield.

Starsky explained him, in all the ways possible; the brunet completed him.

Without Starsky, he had no purpose.

He felt lost.

That's the way the brunet affected him.

When Starsky called him, ten days ago, the more cerebral man had realized how certain he had been. And he felt that he could trust him again. He was happy, and everybody could say that Hutch was confident that everything was going to be okay again; even his energy appeared to be restarted after that call.

The man who had gone to Duluth, the man who had run there, was far more different from the man that had come back. Even more different from the man that was waiting for his friend to get back.

The dull and opaque man had disappeared the day Starsky had called him.

Hutch had gone to his roots to collect his feelings, and then he came back empty at the end of July.

After the phone call, that man had been replaced by the optimist and the wishful one who was going to be reunited with his best friend, his main reason to be.

And he was happy and grateful, above all.

Only with that simple phone call.

That was the way he had been, until today.

Today, he was devastated.

Today he had been informed that there wouldn't be a tomorrow.

He left Metro and woke up the next day at Venice, waiting for his partner to show up. He waited all day, patiently.

But nothing happened, so far.

Hutch had been quiet, expecting the reunion; waiting for his questions to be answered. Starsky had told him that he would come back this day though he hadn't been specific about when or where the reunion would happen, hence Hutch's anxiety.

So he had been waiting. All day.

And the day was ending

And so far No Starsky, no! Nothing.

Hutch was increasingly irritated

He would go to The Pits, he would call Sam, whatever… or maybe he would get drown in a bottle of Bourbon until the world disappears.

The world was too big a place to be alone.

Hutch felt that he had to run and vanish again.

So he did.

*******************S&H*********************

"How's he doing?" Dobey's grim voice came through the wire.

"He had a rough night last night, Captain," Huggy sounded incredibly overwhelmed and exhausted.

"What happened?" Dobey grimaced in sorrow. Sometimes he felt like he didn't want to make the phone calls. "_Would ever be any good news to hear?_", he thought.

"Well, he had two episodes in just an hour on Tuesday" Huggy sighed, "and I had to take him to the ER."

"Yeah... yet again those fainting spells? For Christ's sake, they are lurid." Dobey said.

"Well, he recently had one and fell out of his chair, and he almost broke his maxilla so when he started, I was so worried I had to take him to the Emergency. Couldn't risk him anymore". Almost on the verge of breaking Huggy asked the Captain, like a little kid seeking for comfort. "I mean Captain, please? It's been two damned months we're dealing with this, and it's terrifying! I want this to stop; I need this to end."

Nothing but silence came from the phone.

Huggy composed himself and slowly kept explaining to the Captain what had happened.

"He's weak and so unbalanced I told him to keep away from the deck and the stairs that take to the beach, I'm worried he can stumble and fall. I've taken his car keys too, which really hurt me. You know he was driving lately, but it's just too dangerous now. I know when his cancer gets bigger, because Starsky only has the seizures when that happens, just like that; when it comes back so does the syncope."

"What do you mean it got bigger? The chemo isn't working?"

Dobey didn't know the last news, didn't know about the metastasized in the mediastinum. He was so worried about Hutch's disappearance and state of mind since the day before that he didn't remember to ask what did the doctors say during Starsky's last appointment on Monday. He didn't get to talk with Caroline about it either when Hutch interrupted…

"Oh, you didn't know Cap, I'm sorry. Unfortunately not, it isn't working. We've just found out on Monday morning. The cancer's in the lung, the mediastinum, and lymph nodes on his chest. And it maybe had also spread to the peritoneal which is rare in men, but... they don't know yet." Huggy sighed, deflated. "We weren't expecting the news to be so bad, but that's the way it is. It keeps metastasizing. They say they're gonna start a new treatment next Wednesday one week from today."

Dobey could not say anything more; the devastating news had knocked him down, so he stayed silent.

"The oncs prescribed him morphine. At first, Caroline didn't agree with that, but the pain is so unbearable that I don't know, it's been three days since the new diagnosis, and he was getting worse. He's depressed. We're all worried and scared." Huggy finished.

Everybody thought that the calming juice that the doctors had prescribed him sometimes spaced him out. That was the undesirable effect Caroline wanted to avoid, but then the pain had become so unbearable that they had no way out. They started giving him morphine instead of oxycodone or codeine, two days ago, but it hadn't been enough. Seemed to be that Starsky was getting worse every passing day.

There were no reasons for the pain being uncontrollable, and Sam thought that it was just an emotional distress, an awful and dangerous emotional distress.

Not only the doctors had told Starsky that the treatment hadn't had the so desired effect, but also he had failed Hutch. He had betrayed him and lied to him, and those facts were taking its toll. Starsky felt that he had cheated his partner, irrevocably. Though he couldn't voice his fears for some reason he feared that Hutch was never going to forgive him, that he would die without him, and he withdrew into himself.

And it was killing him.

Since the day they gave him the last diagnosis, he usually had just one good hour per day, sort of... and when that happened everybody felt relieved.

Starsky himself was happy and Caroline and everybody else who happened to be around him. Though it was always floating in the air the harsh reality that that situation was barely temporary that he wasn't going to be like that for long when he felt okay, they were all happy.

Besides, they didn't know either how long he was going to be around… so they seized every moment of lightness they could muster.

That chilly feeling that haunted all of them and dwelled in their minds all the time.

That it'll soon be over.

Wednesday had been a very stressful day, for example. For this reason, when Dobey called again to check on him, on Thursday morning nobody expected Thursday to be worse.

However, it was.

The worst.

*******************S&H*********************

Huggy was in the kitchen.

It was a bright Thursday morning, but Starsky felt very sick, and everybody could say that even the sun was blurry.

Huggy hadn't gone to The Pits; he decided he would stay there because Caroline couldn't remain in the house since she was a speaker at a Medical Symposium in San Antonio that she could not miss. She had gone to the airport at 6 AM, and she wouldn't be at home all day, so Huggy decided he'd stay with Starsky and take care of him.

It was 10 AM and Huggy had just hung up with Dobey, he was doing the dishes after breakfast, and suddenly the thin black man heard Starsky's ungodly retching that came from his room.

It took him time to gather the courage to face his friend.

He knew that after the vomiting, Starsky often felt upset at some point.

He decided to prepare him a cup of ginger tea with honey to see if it would help him overcome the nausea aftermath.

Ginger was well known as a home remedy for upset stomach relief, and also, it had anti-inflammatory properties to quell nausea and the heaving. Either the Ginger or the Peppermint. But he usually preferred ginger.

Huggy rummaged in the cupboard and searched for Starsky's favorite mug, the one that was written: 'I may be left-handed, but I'm always right' and started preparing his buddy a cup of tea.

The pains in his stomach had become impossible to endure, that's why they couldn't start chemo yet, so he had to wait just on morphine drips.

When Huggy finished the tea preparations, he entered the brunet's room.

The horrid and sour smell of vomit he was so used to smell was just unbearable.

Huggy opened the windows. He drew back the blinds and gave Starsky the drink without saying a word, but when he was leaving his room, Huggy heard him as he was crying.

The thin man turned around and asked him if he needed anything else.

Starsky mumbled something that the flamboyant man barely heard and then asked him again what he had said. Huggy crouched next to the bed since Starsky was so weak he could barely talk. The loyal friend rubbed him on his forearm and slowly repeated "Didn't hear you, my man. Do you need something else, buddy?"

The brunet cast sheep eyes at him, and Huggy thought that he would die in pain when Starsky stared blankly at the window and quietly said. "A miracle."

Two words. An immensity.

It was heartbreaking.

Huggy managed to hold back his tears at bay, and he achieved it, he had to be strong for him. He held his hands and only said to him that they were all heading in that same direction. Starsky nodded weakly and only said, "I know." Huggy nodded. He looked the brunet thoroughly, into his honest eyes… and he could see that he had a smile on his face. But then again, he caught a glimpse of a look in Starsky that it was maybe of sadness, regret, despair, neglect, or abandonment. Huggy didn't know, there was just something else there. So he asked him again "What do you feel curly?"

"Fear." He said, sorrily.

"What are you afraid of, buddy?"

"I'm scared that Hutch's gonna hate me." The brunet made a long pause, and Huggy couldn't help but hug him. "I don't wanna feel that Hutch hates me. I regretted what I did. I'm afraid of dying and that I won't see him before I go. I want him to be here, with me. I need him, now, Huggy. I'm scared he doesn't love me anymore because I failed him. I'm frightened he won't come to see me or couldn't be here on time. Where's Hutch, Huggy?"

It was his question, so simple as it.

"Oh, Starsky! He loves you, man, and he'll be here in no time. We're gonna find him, okay? Oh Man! What did we do? What do you cajole us to do? I knew I knew..." Huggy felt that he would want to kill his buddy and himself for being that stupid. "I'm sorry, pal. I'm sorry for being that weak and..."

Starsky opened his eyes as if he didn't understand what Huggy was saying, but then he only asked again "Go and find him, please Hug. Bring him to me. It's me the one who's sorry. I did everything wrong. I'm a jerk."

"It'll be okay. You are not a jerk, Starsky. Everything will be fine, trust me."

Huggy couldn't help the tears streamed down his face this time, so he stood up, and he cradled Starsky in bed like a little boy. After a while, Starsky wrapped himself in the blankets that covered almost his head and said quietly, "Please close the blinds, there's too much light."

"_It has been a beautiful shiny midday, but yeah, I can say that... yeah, when I closed the blinds I just looked out the window, and more dark clouds were rolling in. In fact, there was too much unnecessary light"._ Huggy thought.

At half past six, when Sam arrived at the beach house, the lifetime friend was barely coping with the drama.

"I'm worried, Sam."

Sam had just come from Memorial, and he was taking off his Hospital gown while Huggy poured him a glass of beer. The hot spell was raging, and today it had been hell.

"Starsky has slept all day, and he hasn't eaten, I think that at this rate if he continues being this ill, he may end up going into the Hospital. Not even Caroline could cheer him up. She called earlier to talk to him and tell him that she would be back on the last plane from San Antonio at 7.30 PM and … he just wouldn't speak to her on the phone. I don't know. I'm afraid he's having some kind of a premonition; he only wants to see Hutch, Sam. He asks for Hutch all the time as if he knows that something's gonna happen. How long can he be like this?" Huggy was overwhelmed.

"Calm down, Huggy, this is to be expected. He's depressed, and it's alright. It's the typical response of his body to the bad news. That's all. You say that he's sleeping now?" the doctor nodded toward the bedroom.

"Has done nothing but sleep all day," he said angrily.

"Hey…! Slow down, Hug, come on!" Sam patted him on the shoulder and winked, "I think you're overcome by the circumstances."

Huggy nodded.

"Maybe you need to go a little away from all this?" Sam suggested.

"Nah, that's not it! I wanna stay with him; it's just that… Oh, man! I want to comfort him, but he only needs Hutch. I think that we have to find him before it's too late."

"Yeah, damn! I've already tried to contact him!" Sam said dejectedly "But it seems like he has disappeared from the Earth's face. He's not in Venice and Helene doesn't know anything about him. I'm searching for him since Tuesday night but nothing so far. He's just vanished, and I don't have any idea where he could be. Even Dobey, he doesn't know shit."

"Oh, what a bunch of fucking bastards we've been. How come we have accepted this crazy nonsense? We're a bunch of morons!"

"Hug, what's done's done. Okay? We'll see to help him and find Hutch when the time comes, and he recuperates you got that? But first things first, we don't have to forget how is he doing now. He must recover. First, we must focus on the medical aspect exclusively."

"One thing goes hand in hand with the other, Sam. It's always been that way!" Huggy shrugged and flinched.

"Yeah, I know, but now, at this point, we have to pay attention to the chemistry of his body and his medical responses. We don't have Hutch now; we're on our own. He needs to be balanced, Huggy, that's mandatory, so tell me is he drinking enough water?"

Huggy accepted, he knew Sam was right; he was aware that now, Starsky's health was the primary concern.

"Well, he's got a bottle of water next to his bed and looks like yeah, he says that he did, why?"

"He says? You didn't check?"

Huggy nodded "No… I was... uh. I didn't realize."

Sam got worried, instantly, and Huggy noticed and asked him concerned, too. "Why? Something's wrong?"

"Well, you said that he was all day sleeping and that he's so weak, it could be... I don't know; dehydration's a very severe complication and also an expected one. I was just ruling out the possibilities. Dehydration could make him feel down and sluggish, but if you said that he was drinking, well, maybe it isn't an issue related to his fluids, and it's just emotional..." Sam winced and concluded pensively.

"I don't know. He isn't resting properly, either, that's what Caroline told me before she left. She said that he had had a restless night yesterday. And today, he's been awake most of the morning again. Now he's resting, but I feel like we're running out of ideas here, Sam; as if everything we're doing is wrong like it isn't working. Before he heaved his guts today and since it was a beautiful, warm and bright morning, I suggested him whether he might want to get out to the sun. I offered him to put a chair on the deck and let him be warmed by the rays, but, he wasn't interested, either. I feel like he's not trying, Sam, and it's very frustrating."

"And dangerous," Sam said and stood up.

He started going into Starsky's room to check on him. Before entering the room, he finally said, "Yeah, I've tried to support his emotional aspect all this time but, I mean, denial and acceptance usually work in this way. But now, we have to give him strength. We must focus on reassuring him, we must convince him that Hutch will come, for example, or that there's still hope though maybe there wouldn't be."

"You mean we have to cheat him or lie to him in case he wants to give up?" Huggy sounded frightened.

"No. I mean I don't wanna pressure anymore, I want him to be at peace, Hug, in case he has no way out, and he just has to go away." Sam made a pause and grimaced, the forcefulness of his words were devastating.

In more than words, he was suggesting that maybe the end was coming for all of them and Huggy, couldn't help a tear roll down his face.

"Above all, I want him to be at peace, not distressed. I would do anything for him to be at peace."

Huggy nodded sadly while Sam rushed into Starsky's room.

A few minutes later Sam screamed alarmed and ran off into the living room like a mad man and looking for the phone and Huggy; he needed to talk to Memorial, and he asked for an ambulance. When he entered the room, he saw the bottle of water emptied and thrown on the carpet floor. Its contents wasted.

Starsky should be admitted again.

He checked for Starsky's vital signs and he found that he had a narrow pulse. The man's heart rate was increasingly dangerous, and he had incredibly low blood pressure, which hadn't ceased to decrease the time he was there.

He also was running a fever.

He was 104°, so Sam tried to cool him by removing the covers of the bed and placed a wet towel around him, not so cold to try not to shock him.

When Huggy entered the room, he couldn't believe his eyes and he got scared too. Starsky was shaking all over.

The brunet was shouting in pain like he was experiencing muscle cramps of some sorts or something like that, but since he was delirious and confused, it was hard to tell. The man was stuttering since he couldn't connect words.

Huggy could tell that the awaiting of the Ambulance was endless, every passing minute was wreaking havoc in Starsky since he was getting worse and worse.

The brunet looked pale, his skin was cold, moist and clammy, and his lips have become chapped. He saw that Sam was putting the stethoscope over and over again to hear his breathing sounds and to hear his heartbeat. The doctor looked like a madman. He grimaced, worriedly since while the first ones were barely inexistent at the same time, the last ones were increasing profusely.

When the ambulance arrived, the paramedics were frantic assessing Starsky's condition, they said that his B/P was 170/100 and his heart rate 122. He had atrial tachycardia, and they thought he would have a heart attack and coded anytime since his cardiac output cannot be maintained by arterial constriction.

They rushed him to the Emergency while they immediately started an IV with 5 mg Verapamil.

Turned out he was severely dehydrated.

When he was able to give a urine sample at the Hospital, it was almost brown.

They presumed he had lost 15–30% of blood volume.

The doctors diagnosed him with stage 2 of Hypovolemia and at the verge of a hypovolemic shock due to dehydration.

They knew it would be difficult to recover him from that state.

A half hour later than he was admitted in Memorial, Caroline arrived straight from the airport. She was devastated too. Guilty and remorseful.

"_What would the future bring? Would this be the end? Might Hutch be on time?"_

Once upon a time, there were more answers than questions; there was more hope than pain.

It had all gone now.

It had been a beautiful summer day.

Until everything.

**ACT 25 –SWEET CAROLINE-**

"Am I leaving today?" Starsky said. He sounded like a little kid.

He had the ability to become a lovely little boy when it comes at handy.

"Are you leaving today?" Caroline mimicked, both happy and sad as she settled the blankets of his bed and felt completely dazzled by his overwhelming presence.

He was just wonderful.

"Hey, don't get me wrong, not literally," one wink "I know I have little time, but I still plan to stick around here a bit longer. Whaddaya say? You want me to stay?"

"What do I say? Dave, please?" She said bemused, she didn't like those kinds of pranks.

"Hey, I'm the patient," he said playful, "you're the doctor. I'm asking the questions here." He decided he should start all over again; it was no use getting melancholic. So again he tried, "I'm leaving today?" he downed the eyelids, fluttering those thick and long lashes with such a sexy and boyish cadence...

"_Oh, my God!"_ Caroline thought, "_Dave, you're just perfect!"_ She nodded and said, "You're okay, your stats are good, and the crisis is over. You should take care; you realized how dangerous dehydration could become, uh? But besides that, you're okay." She smiled softly while tenderly and caressed him, "So, Yes! I guess this is it! You're leaving today… yes!"

"Oh!" he said surprised, half happy and half sad too. He waited for some time to ask her something that was hovering his mind since the last days until he did. "Mh… Cary? I just thought that I can give Huggy a little space, you know and… maybe you can come and take care of me at home instead of him, I mean, stay with me. I'm gonna miss ya." He said, somberly.

"Maybe. I didn't say that you leaving means that I ain't gonna see you again. I didn't say that this is the end of our delicious relationship either, not after Geoffrey's." She smiled in complicity while approaching him, and he took her by her waist relieved and pulled her to the bed.

"But I'm gonna miss ya, dear. I'm gonna miss this everyday thing we have, I mean," He sighed. "As a doctor, I know that unfortunately, we're gonna stay in touch but..."

"I'm not your doctor anymore..." she said.

"That's what I'm telling. I really enjoy your company, your cuddles, your pampering. You being here like this, you know" he pressed her waist to him and bit his lip. "I like seeing you every hour. So will you come with me? Stay with me?" He nodded, "So far so much you, indeed… helped me, Cary. I - Don't be a stranger, please?" He sounded confused and cast puppy eyes on her.

"I won't. I promise," and she sighed.

She caressed him, and she thought that she would die of love, right there, by his side, next to his hospital bed. Forever dead, forever drowned in the love she felt for this wonderful, beautiful, incredibly superb man. She felt fear. She was falling for him, mercilessly... "_for what? What for? Oh God!"_ Caroline thought.

*******************S&H*********************

"God John, please!"

She was angry, enraged. She was walking in circles in Murray's consulting office, "I didn't want you to give me an honest answer, I mean… Aww, bullshit!" She held her small hope, "Is there any chance? You think that you can try something else, different, out of the ordinary, anything? Maybe what Garrahan says? Something we didn't realize yet? I, I didn't realize yet?"

"Caroline, please… please." The doctor tried to talk some sense into her, and he opened his eyes seeking for some reason "You know as I know… please."

"Dammit! Dammit, John! I hate this. I hate being a doctor. I hate everything. I hate damn cancer!" She started crying "Why? Can you please lie to me just once? Why can't you just tell me that there's hope! That he'll be all right, that he'll overcome this, that he could go into remission, miraculously? That I could help him, I mean. Oh! I wish I could help him. I need to help him! Oh, My God, John.", she began to mourn, inconsolably.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart."

John Murray was her mentor. The man who had taught her everything, everything about cancer, even about life. It was very painful for John to see how Caroline, so young, so beautiful, and intelligent was slowly, slowly being devastated. She felt alone, sad, and helpless, and he couldn't help her.

"What those books and drugs and chemicals are for if they can't save him. Oh, John, I can't breathe. I just can't breathe; I need to get out of here, please. I feel so guilty."

"You love him, don't you?"

She didn't need to answer what was so obvious but then she said, "I can't believe what is happening to me, I can't believe it. Never happened something like this to me before. Yes, I love him, John, more than I could've ever dared to imagine. I'm completely in love with him, and he's gonna die, and I wanna die with him."

"Come on, let's take a walk."

They went to the yard in Hope; they walked for a long time around the beautiful park just thinking, trying to regain her strength. "Think about this," John tried to make her realize that regardless of what would happen in the future, this was her chance to experience the purest sentiment in the world. "Let's think about the good part of this "dying" thing; I saw it many times in my patients, and so did you. The best part of it is that when you're dying as he is, you've got nothing to lose; run any risk you want. He'll be at his best Caroline, even in pain. Whatever little time he has, you'll have the privilege to benefit from the pure version of David, his real self; such an incredible man he is. So don't ask yourself questions that you cannot answer and enjoy the time that it's been given to you with him, enjoy David, enjoy him. I've never seen you like this before, and Real Love is not an everyday thing… so seize every moment from every day and live, don't dare to die prematurely."

The doctor hugged her, and she cried.

*******************S&H*********************

They kissed.

They ate dinner, saw the sunset, they shared conversation and then, they took a bath. And as the day wore down to a close, they made love too.

They made love.

Indeed, genuinely.

It had been two days since he had been discharged from Memorial, past Sunday, and he was stronger, wholesome and even healthier than ever.

"_Damn cancer!"_ She thought.

So they made love.

It was hard enough to see a vibrantly healthy person turn into someone with a terminal disease, but it was worse being in love with that person. At times, it looked like Starsky could die only to the effort to pronounce a few words, but then, a pair of days after transfusions, drugs and time involved, he seemed to resurge.

He emerged, and then he shone like a diamond.

"_Damn, damn cancer!"_ It was a hideous disease.

These should have been the times of his life, he was 40 years. These times, he should have hit his home run, been at his best and splendid.

Well, the way she saw him that's the way he still looked, splendid!

Regardless of his cancer.

Apart from everything else, he was an intense young man, and he was ridiculously attractive.

But he had cancer.

"_Oh! So Damn Cancer! Damn, damn Cancer! For Christ's sake!"_

However, as John had said, she was being given a taste of pleasure she wouldn't reject, and he pleased her, and they made love.

Real love, like Murray, had wished her to enjoy.

For her, making love with Dave was a different kind of experience that transcended both of them.

For her, making love with him turned out to be the most evolved, integrated mind-body-spirited relationship she had ever had.

For her, making love with Dave, meant sharing their journey through life on this planet, was sharing her sense of meaning and her purpose in this world.

Her purpose was him, and he was her journey.

"_I had sex before with other men; we had been together before, after Geoffrey's, a few times after that, but today… this day, we made love"._ Caroline reflected.

*******************S&H*********************

She had arrived at his place after work at 6 PM.

Huggy had opened the door before he said goodbye to Starsky.

"He's on the deck," he told Caroline, before kissing her goodbye too and as she entered.

There were sweet corns on the kitchen table and Cole slaw, and he had even bought an apple pie from Brentwood's Farmers Market, he told her later.

He was all business.

"Dave? Dave! Where are you?" She shouted.

"In here."

She went out through the white French window at the back, peeked into the sunny deck,

"Hi," he said, waving his hand. He was on the terrace; he was grilling ribs.

"_BBQ? For me?"_ She thought. "Oh, hi!" she said excitedly.

He was wearing a white shirt and cut-offs. "_Wow! He's stunning!"_ She thought. And then she couldn't think anymore, she stared dumbfounded.

And he realized.

"What? What's happening? Did I disappoint you?" He started walking to where she was standing still, like frozen. He drew his face toward the girl to kiss her, without touching her. His hands were dirty because of the grill, and so was his face. He looked like camouflaged, and he made a gesture, apologizing. He had a knife in his hand. He was disheveled.

It was a godsend that the chemo had failed to leave him bald, and after nearly twenty days without it, his curls had reappeared in all its glory. Therefore, a headband was gripping his mad tangle of hair. Or something, sort of, well, she didn't know, it was a neck scarf maybe, but it was red, of that, she was sure since red color suited him well.

"_Well, any color looks more beautiful on him,"_ she thought.

The fact was that the poor red thing was trying to keep his hair at bay and hardly achieving it, of course.

To try to hold his rebellious curls was some task!

"Caroline? Hey girl?" she heard him say.

"Oh, yeah." she said out of her reverie, "_Oh! I hate myself; I usually get very distracted when he is around",_ she thought.

And that day was not an exception, he could be striking, and for her, he was flawless, shaggy or not.

"Hey? Is something wrong? I'm sorry, I'll go to the bathroom and wash my face now, wait!" He smiled, and in a flash, he disappeared.

Without even giving her the chance to react or say that nothing was wrong, that it was just his simplicity and naturalness that had had over her an irresistibly fascinating result that left her speechless. He disappeared.

That was the thing with Dave.

One of the things about him that dazzled Caroline was the complete lack of awareness of how handsome, how gorgeous, how sexy and attractive he could be.

He was electrifying and sometimes he didn't realize.

The first time she'd met him she believed that everything he did was a staging, a calculated plan to conquer his prey. But then she found out it wasn't, that he was just a natural, who effortlessly won over everyone around him. His charm and his breathtaking self-confidence in him, and with women and with everything else made him unstoppable. All those little things of his, which made him look like a dream come true for her, pure ecstasy. "_Oh, how crazy about you I am, man!"_ She thought.

"Is this better? How do I look?"

He reappeared almost trotting from inside the house, ten minutes later. He had taken a quick shower, but it had been worst! He looked even more blinding than before with his wet hair and smelling incredibly good too. He was wearing a blue tee this time, a perfect match to his iridescent peacock blue eyes. Like she said, everything suited him well... Besides, the cut-offs were still there. "_Thankfully,"_ she thought.

"I never said that something was wrong," She said bold and with a little smile, waiting for his reaction.

"Oh! I realized about that a long time ago" He laughed flattered, "but well, is that you seemed surprised, and I think that maybe, well" he looked nervous, doubtful.

"No! I wasn't surprised. I just thought that we were going to go to yet another fancy restaurant, to eat something, that's all."

"Oh, that? With a cop's pension? Forget it, honey!" He smiled.

"… Anyway," she hurriedly interrupted him. "I'm delighted to stay here,"

"Oh yeah, as well as I am..." He started walking toward her. Stopped, then sighed. "Though I thought that you had dressed like that for me." He pouted, and she frowned. He looked at her from head to toes. Toured his body with his eyes. "Turned out to be that the reason you wear this sexy black strapless above your knee and those black heels stilettos is because you thought we were going out to dinner. You really?" He approached her seductively. He giggled and then relaxed his face in admiration and stared at her, so close to her eyes.

He turned serious.

"You look beautiful, Caroline, but I rather undress you anytime if you feel uncomfortable in that etiquette." He smiled mischievously, and he ran her hair gently kissing her shoulder and then sweetly said, "I…" He shrugged, "I only wanna stay with you. I am, uh… I wanna be with you here." He approached her again. "don't feel like going to any other place. I miss you, and I wanna be at home, that's all because I..." he sighed, "I wanna tell you something." He smiled, nervously like a real man too, and she felt as if he had taken her breath away. He kissed her, and she could breathe again.

He was a display of sexiness.

In one short sentence, he had been romantic, provocative, funny and childlike. He was all in one. "_Oh, how can I resist this man?"_ She thought. "_Damn! Damn Cancer!"_

Until the smell of the barbecue caught their senses, they kissed.

First.

And then, and then they laughed.

Until their stomachs hurt, and they were starving and started eating.

"Well, it overcooked a bit," Caroline said.

"Oh! It's well done; I hope you don't like it rare!" He said and smiled at the vision of the charred black meat, he chuckled tempted, and Caroline thought "_who cares about food?"_

They drank red wine.

He prepared the whipped cream to put on top of the apple pie, just in front of her, mixing with strength and blending the cream with the sugar.

"Do you like vanilla? I love vanilla," he said while licked the spoon.

And she felt as if she could have died in a vanilla fudge overdose right there by his side…

They watched the sunset.

The orange sun that was being engulfed by the sea, and so she felt, sucked by his magic. They were like that, staring at the ocean until it was getting chilly.

She didn't ask, he didn't say.

They were sat on the folding chairs on the sand, looking at the people go by until she couldn't help it -a woman at last- and she looked at him. She realized that there was something underneath; that somehow, he had become silent, absent and that he was petrified staring restlessly over the sea afar.

"So, what's that, Dave? What's what you wanna tell me?" She asked him.

"Oh, that! Yeah." He sighed, waited for some time and started talking. "I - I wanted to ask you something," he scratched his neck, grimaced and turned his head to her, filled his lungs and asked, "Where do we go from here, honey?"

"What do you mean?" She frowned. "I thought that we were going to stay the whole night..."

"Pssst, hey" He closed his eyes. "I'm talking about other things, something else." He started staring at the sea again and made a long pause. "I mean, you know I won this ticket, and my journey's already started" he smiled tenderly, "and it's ending soon, too and…" he sighed. "I'm scared, Cary. I…" he repeatedly nodded, "Sometimes I think I can offer you paradise and hell at the same time and believe me, I don't wanna drag you into my nightmare." He turned his head to her again and continued talking while looking at her… she was speechless. "But still, I also wanna be with you. You know, my heart," he made a break and bit his lower lip while closing his eyes and made a face… "I uh- I love you."

His eyes were full of tears, and so were hers. She leaned her head against his and crossed her arms around his neck on his shoulders from his left side where she was. He raised his head and made her place to cuddle up with him, so she put her head in the hollow of his jaw and his collarbone, leaning it on his chest and she hugged him.

They were like that, for a long time until Caroline regained her ability to talk and she said.

"How come a dream can become a nightmare, Dave? I'll go wherever you take me, anytime. I wanna be with you too, no matter what, for all our time being. Whether it is short or not, it's the same for me." She had still her face on his chest. "Whether it is good or bad, happy or sad" she reminded him of Al Green's song, and they both laughed… "Otherwise what was that song for, uh? You, liar! Just to make me yours, and to get to my body…?" She smiled, thrilled.

He looked down at her, and she raised her eyes to him.

They shared a hooked glance and then she said serene, meaningfully, looking at his impossibly blue eyes that were shining like the Hope Diamond in their blue of the most beautiful blue sapphire completeness. "I'm in love with you, Dave! Every time I look into your eyes, I fall in love with you a little more. I want you to never leave me, but I don't wanna think about it now, please…?"

He stood and squatted just in front of her.

The surf and the sun behind him outlined his magnificent and dreamy profile. He took her face in both his hands, by that time she couldn't look him into his eyes and he said "We must do it, sweetheart. We must think about it. I don't wanna hurt you and maybe it is better…" she stopped him.

"You'll never hurt me, you'll never do." She said meaningfully

He lifted her face just to make her look at him; she felt discouraged "But this ain't gonna last, Cary" He said firmly.

"We don't need to think about that now. Let's not spoil this short time God gives us, please…?" She felt sad, she sounded sorrowful, and she lowered her eyes again.

"Telling the truth doesn't spoil it, it just makes it real. Lemme say it, please...Out loud. Before the sun completely sets in and the first star appears in the sky, and we get back home, and end up making love, lemme say it. In this way, we are gonna make it for real…"

"Say what?" she asked.

"That I'm gonna die, Caroline." He made a long pause, and she raised her head, her eyes straight to him. "I need to hear my own voice saying it loud, I need to believe it" he continued and sighed. "I am going to die" he stated and shrugged and raised the eyebrows, "Perhaps sooner than I had ever thought about, and when that happens, I wanna be with you. But I need to be sure that being with me is what you want too. Though I found that I can be quite a selfish and stupid person, lately, I need to know if you accept to be with me until the end. And the only way I can know this is if I'm able to talk to you about it now when I still can do it."

Again, she thought she would die on the spot right there in that instant, on the beach, curled up in his strong and alive arms. But she knew that she had to sound composed and steady, for him.

"You shouldn't worry about me, Dave. I'm a doctor; I'm used to dealing with this sort of…" She couldn't take it anymore and started crying and clung to him, "Oh no! I can't pretend that this doesn't affect me. But you don't have to worry. I'll try to get over it, I promise, don't worry. I wanna be with you too no matter what, my love."

He kissed her passionately.

"I can't read your mind, Caroline, I just wish I could, but I can't so you'll have to tell me everything. What you think, how you feel. I wanna take care of you, Cary. I don't wanna hurt you. So tell me, starting now, what do you think? How are you feeling and please? be honest."

She shrugged and opened her mouth to the unspoken words and her eyes to the undesirable images that lay ahead to see.

"Tell me, Cary, please. The truth, tell the truth," he insisted desperately.

"I love you, and I feel fear. I'm afraid Dave. I fear that this... that you're gonna leave me." she cried, he deserved her honesty.

"That's good," He closed his eyes, relieved and sighed.

"No!" She said shouting, "That's not good. I'm afraid of losing you! Like you're gonna disappear, and I don't want it to happen. Never." She said desperately.

"I'm gonna disappear, babe… You don't have to forget that." He tried to make her reason.

"Maybe you will disappear, maybe. But I can feel that you're my main reason to be here, now. You are the meaning, my purpose, you… you explain me. I finally found the reason; I came up here to this rotten world thirty-something years ago. And now, I'm exactly at the place I've always wanted to be, with the only man I've always wanted to love. You're my most marvelous reason to be, and I'm gonna lose you!" She stopped talking and suddenly broke and lowered her tone "and that's not good."

She raised her eyebrows full of sorrow.

He was so moved, excited and profoundly grateful. "Hey…" he lifted her face from her chin, "Who said it had to last?"

They both smiled at his joke, and he caressed her, "Thank God for putting you in my path, yeah… I'll maybe disappear, but my love for you, my love won't."

"_Life is meaningless without knowing why we are here or what it means. For Dave and me. We, being together, for as long as it can be… that's the meaning"._ She thought.

After that, what else?

After that, they made real love.

*******************S&H*********************

They felt like they were supposed to be together. And they knew it.

The very first time they had touched, the very first time they had met, they felt like it was like coming home. That weird sensation who someone experiences when meeting somebody who seems to be a part of you although you have never met this person before. Touching themselves, was an explored and known feeling. It was like magic.

As if they were just designed, for each other, created for each other, mutually filling the exact contents to each other, holding their hands to get back home.

They were each other's homes.

They made love, that night. They made Real Love that night.

Sincerely, with Capital Letters, profoundly and madly love…

So many times... that Caroline could tell that Starsky was already getting tired since he started to fall asleep.

But then, she thought that there were much more things that she could say.

"_As I was looking at him while he started dozing, I felt mesmerized! He was gorgeous. What a sight he was! He was of a balanced proportion, flawless. Dave's incredible body, his face, was everything I could have always longed for. His hands... I like his hands. Everything, I love everything about him"._ She thought.

She enjoyed the sensations and the feelings this man provided her.

The way the silk over his skin produced static, his magnetism, overwhelmed her.

She thought that his body on the other side of the silk was out of this world. She loved being warmed in that tender cocoon of his; he was strong and fragile, too.

They slept entwined the rest of the night, till dawn, when Starsky awoke, admired by the way Caroline was being reflected against the white linen and among his tanned arms.

He smoothed his hands over her back, feeling the moment return, so he began to kiss her. She was so sweet! He was inflamed by her, by his passion, so he curled her in his arms, tight all around her as he whispered softly in her ear how much she meant to him.

How good she made him feel…

"I can still protect you, darling, despite everything I'm at the moment, how weak I am. You make me feel mighty and human and alive. You make me feel a man again, and that makes me feel so good," he pressed his hands to Caroline's back, and she opened her eyes, and they both froze…

He laid down on top of her and looked straight into her face and said.

"I have to tell you how much you move me, Cary; the way you changed my life by loving me. What you mean to me. You make me feel like a man Caroline, after a long time, again, as a man. In the worst moment of my life, no matter what's gonna happen. You make me feel like a man. And for that, I'll be forever thankful... Forever."

"Dave, I love you so bad, since the first moment, I saw you… and that's the way it will always be after that first kiss in Geoffrey's."

They lingered in bed until midday.

That was the way it was during all week.

*******************S&H*********************

The phone rang, and he answered.

It was Huggy.

He was worried sick about Starsky. It had been three days he didn't know anything about his buddy, and he wanted to know what was going on.

The brunet's voice of joy was enough response.

He and Cary were having a week of love. It was fantastic.

That day, after the call, she got up and took a bath, and then while he was still snuggled in bed she started preparing breakfast.

"How do you like your eggs, Dave?" she screamed from the kitchen.

"Over easy," he said, and he got up. White boxers and a white opened shirt and went to where she was. He felt a little tightness in his chest, but besides that, he felt awfully good. It had been a great night and a better morning; he even had planned, like daydreaming, in fact, to have a getaway with Caroline. Take the Camaro and drive it through the PCH to San Francisco….up to the coast, even Vegas, wherever.

"Do you think you can have a few days off, just for me, for us?" He asked her while he sat on the table waiting for the food, "We can go to San Francisco, or Yosemite, the Grand Canyon, Vegas... I don't know," he shrugged, "I mean it's gonna be more than ten days until the next batch of chemo will start, isn't it, doctor? We can take a few days off. Can't we? Maybe?" he raised his eyebrows.

"We can be together yes, I don't plan to be apart. I've already called John and asked him for a little vacation;" She sighed concerned, "maybe we can have this whole week for us yeah but… a getaway?" She grimaced. "I'll try to take a few more days off from the Hospital, but I don't think that it would be wise to leave and go away and far from..." she didn't finish.

"That bad, huh?" He nodded sadly and pensive, and she got back to the sink, she wanted to drown in it. "Well, like dear old John used to say before he was wasted… 'You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one!'" he mocked, "It was just an illusion I guess, I forgot," he smiled sweetly. "But it's okay! Okay! We'll stay here, safe and together, won't we? We'll be like that for a long, long time."

He stood and grabbed her from behind while she was cooking, she shuddered as he kissed her neck and rested his head on her shoulder, his hands on her slim waist, a peaceful smile on his face. "I wonder if my lungs will be capable of singing. I love singing, you know?" He let her go and went to the living room and took the guitar.

"You sing?" she asked amused as he was leaving the kitchen. "_This man's something else, quite a Pandora's Box!" _ She thought.

"Well, let's just say 'I bark with style'' he was beside her yet again with the guitar in his hands and they laughed amusingly.

They kissed, and she asked. "Ok, so you can sing me a song?"

"Ash you wish, schweetheart!" He sat bouncing on the kitchen counter with the guitar in his hands. "Mhm, lemme see… uh - oh yeah! I got it. This one's for you."

He started playing the guitar…

_Where it began, I can't begin to knowing_

_But then I know it's growing strong._

_Was in the spring and spring became the summer._

_Who'd have believed you'd come along?_

_Hand touching hand, reaching out, touching me, touching you..._

_Sweet Caroline, good times never seemed so good._

_I've been inclined to believe they never would, but now I_

_Look at the night and it doesn't seem so lonely._

_We fill it up with only two._

_And when I hurt, hurting runs off my shoulders._

_How can I hurt when holding you?_

_Warm touching warm, reaching out, touching me, touching you..._

_Sweet Caroline, good times never seemed so good._

_I've been inclined to believe they never would, but now I…_

He stopped playing and shrugged entirely moved and in earnest, "You take my pain away, Cary."

"Oh Dave, I love you so bad!"

She hugged him with all her force. They kissed and toasted to this new relationship while he mumbled something in her ear she hardly heard, "What are you talking about the end, the end of what, Dave?" She looked into his piercing indigo eyes.

"The end of Life as we know it."

She frowned, he had a particular spiritual look of peace in his face, transcendent. And she got scared. He reminded her of her patients who sometimes had those extrasensory visions like otherworldly; as he was actually in yet another place and time.

She didn't want to see that aura in his eyes.

Not for a minute. In situations like these, there was just one step to depression.

"My Sweet Caroline, I love you now. I'll love you always. Whatever happens tomorrow, we've had today and…" he kept on saying, so she shushed him with a kiss on his mouth. He got surprised, "What?" he mumbled, and she shushed him again with just another kiss.

She decided she would cheer things up a little. It was no fun talking about endings again, so she started undressing him, slowly, caressing his chest, his arms and opening his shirt sensually.

It was a good time to experience some real earthly things, and sex was the most beautiful and complete of all those things.

"Yes, we have today, and I want you every little minute of today. I want to make every moment count," she said sexily.

"Again?" He asked timidly, surprised… but flattered.

"Yes, again!" She smiled with her eyes full of love and desire. "You are the most sensual and exciting lover who slips on the earth's surface, and you're all mine and I'm crazy for you!"

He smiled and blushed, "But you think that this is Okay? I mean…" he said surprised.

"Shh! I don't wanna do anything else right now." She stroke his cheek. "I don't wanna be somewhere else anymore, and I don't want either anything new to happen, except this. You and me. We are here, now, Dave. That's enough, and we'll stay like this forever," her eyes were full of love, so he said… "I don't have forever either for me nor you, my love. But it seems right now, that all I've been doing in my life, was my way here to you, to this moment." He played with her hair, "And now, I'm here for you. The last of me, maybe, but still I am." He smiled softly, "So, please…you take me and love me, yeah... Tell me again do you love me?"

"I love you. I really do."

"Oh, Cary! You make me love even cancer." She looked at him annoyed, and he clarified, "I mean, I know that I'm a mess but if it wasn't for my cancer…"

She stopped him and said, "To me, you're perfect. I want you. I want everything from you, all of you. Forever. You and me, every day, every single day, like this, together."

They kissed, passionately, and they made love again, once, twice…

"Oh God! If I could ask you one thing, it would be to stop the Earth's rotation. To stop the days to happen, the nights to come and make this moment and you, to last forever." she reflected.

"Forever…"

Starsky felt that he had waited forty years for this moment.

He realized that he had never felt that way before, not even with Terry.

Though he wouldn't be unfair to her memory, the way he felt right now, in the worst moment of his life, when he was so out of place, was just amazing. And that was thanks to Cary. "_I'm so embarrassed, so physically sick... how come she loves me?",_ he thought.

"Hey, Yafe, how many times do you wanna do it?" She smiled.

"Betcha can't be just one," he winked reminding her the T.V. commercial and said in a funny way, "but you think that I'm up to it?" And he took her one more time, "or you wanna kill me by a heart attack?"

"Your heart's healthy, and hope deferred is what makes the heart sick." She said with hunger.

"Okay, let's just say that there are more dumb ways to die than this anyway. C' mere."

And they made love.

Again.

The next four days were the most memorable, unforgettable and incredibly exciting of their lives. The only cloud on Starsky's life was Hutch's absence. But Starsky seemed to understand that it was just a matter of time. So he decided to enjoy his moment with his girl, and they were happy, like two hermits locked in Sam's beach house enjoying each other's company.

It was a week of love.

Only one week.

*******************S&H*********************

On August 24th, Caroline had to return to Hope.

One of her patients was scheduled for surgery, and she ought to be there, but before leaving, early in the morning, she woke Starsky up, who was still soundly asleep in their bed.

"Dave, my love, I have to go," She whispered in his ear.

"Aha… Ow!" he grimaced.

"What's wrong?" She asked worriedly.

"Nothing… nothing. What were you saying?" He tried to deceive.

It had started two days ago.

He awakened during the wee hours feeling as if his chest was being ripped to shreds as if it was going to disintegrate. During the past two days, he had felt an acute pain clutched at his low back. The pain was so unbearable that he had stayed awake, silent until the morning came, waiting for it to subside. But then he fell asleep, only to wake up feeling more drained and tired than before and finding that the previous pain had disappeared and had been replaced by the usual and constant chest tightness.

It was a circle of pain.

He felt he was worn out.

He had never told Caroline about it, "_what for?"_ It was almost one month since he was 'chemo free' so maybe that was the reason the pain and the discomfort were back, "_or maybe the monster grew… But this had been the third day in a row and now… Oh God! Now it hurts like hell!"_ He thought.

"I'll be back at 5 PM. I left you the broth ready. You eat your vegetables; you listen? And be a good mamma's boy, okay? Oh, and, by the way, I bought you something that I want you to read and listen to. It's in here, next to you on the pillow so you won't miss me, okay?" She kissed him on his nose.

"What thing?" He started to get up while rubbing his eyes like a kid, "_damn it!"_ He felt this tightness. "_Why today? Well, maybe it would be better she wouldn't be here to witness anything, she would worry and the week had been so perfect so far. Why ruin it?"_ Starsky thought.

"When you wake up you're gonna see, I'll call at noon, after surgery. Be a good boy, okay?" She kissed him. A soft motherly kiss and she left.

"Okay," he sighed.

He felt sad like a little boy, he just didn't want to be alone, and he didn't know why.

Over the pillow, there was an envelope, with Caroline's colorful scribbling where she had drawn a heart too, a box full of Sugar Mama and Sugar Daddy candies and a cassette.

_ Santa Monica, August 24th, 1983_

_My Dear, Mr. David Michael Starsky_

_(AKA James Bond )_

_ Although you're not the spy who loved me, you are the COP, who loveS me. __And I'm so grateful for it that I want to tell you something, I want you to know something. _

_ What you mean to me I wish there could be words to describe it… If I could, if they would exist. But I doubt that they might have been invented yet. At least NOT in the English Language, I still can't find them myself._

_ It's so hard to explain the sheer plenitude and happiness you provide me, handsome, you know I'm a scientist… so hard to express._

_What do you mean to me? I don't know your formula, your equation; your DNA only I reckon that you are my Star, only I know that my love for you is big. Big as the Sky, my schatzi. I love you!_

_ I feel these feelings (not just one but many) that you make me feel but I can't express… the deepest emotion that your mere presence brings to me. I'm smitten with you, Motek, and that's the way it will always be. I don't know… I really wish I could tell you, find the words. I think that all the love songs were inspired by this feeling I have. So, since I am not as good a singer as you are - wink -, I've asked Carly whether she could tell you, on my behalf; and she granted! (She truly copied cat me. Damn plagiarism!)_

_ So to speak I can only write these words, honey. But you deserve more than letters, you deserve everything from me… that's a given, and I will give you everything. Forever._

_ See ya later, alligator._

_PD: Over my nightstand, there's a Walkman. Play it!_

_Nobody does it better_

_[Thank you, Dave] (You know I love you?)_

_Makes me feel sad for the rest_

_[Yes! I'm the luckiest woman in the world]_

_Nobody does it half as good as you_

_[Nor the millionth part as you do, you fell short Carly] (Chuckles)_

_Baby, you're the best_

_[And the only] (The one and only)_

_I wasn't looking but somehow you found me_

_[This had never happened to me before]_

_I tried to hide from your love light_

_[I succumbed to the vain ambition to try to hide your light... it's impossible to hide the sun with one hand] (You are the sunshine of my life… oops! That's another song) (chuckles)_

_But like Heaven above me_

_[The moments we live together we're in heaven]_

_The spy_ _[COP] __who loved me_

_Is keeping all my secrets safe tonight_

_[I felt respected, worshiped. How a beautiful man you are!] (Thank you!)_

_And nobody does it better_

_[Nobody, never will!]_

_Though sometimes I wish someone could_

_[I won't need anybody else but you. Never]_

_Nobody does it quite the way you do_

_[I've been so lucky that I've met you]_

_Why'd you have to be so good?_

_[So good, so beautiful, so fine… and mine! YAY!]_

_The way that you hold me_

_[I love your ways. I'll love you forever] (your strong arms around me)_

_Whenever you hold me_

_[Every time, every day, every moment, every second, it'll be forever, I love you]_

_There's some kind of magic inside you_

_[You bewitched me with your magic. You are my fantasy]_

_That keeps me from running_

_[I'll never leave]_

_But just keep it coming_

_[I'll always stay]_

_How'd you learn to do the things you do?_

_[And how'd you taught me everything about me]_

_And nobody does it better_

_Makes me feel sad for the rest_

_Nobody does it half as good as you_

_Baby, baby, darlin', you're the best_

_Baby, you're the best_

_Darlin', you're the best_

_Baby, you're the best_

_Baby, you're the best_

_YOU ARE THE BEST!_

_ I love you with all my being and madly!_

_ Eternally Yours, C._

He couldn't stop crying while Carly Simon's voice pervaded the air.

He didn't know if he had nostalgia. Or if it was Caroline's sweet gift that left him maudlin or if he was just sick, worse than he had been during the whole week, but he was out of breath. He felt terribly ill, so he decided to go out, to the beach to fill his lungs… he just really, couldn't breathe.

**ACT 26 –EVERYBODY HURT**-

It had been almost fifteen days since he had disappeared. Literally.

He didn't go to Metro and hardly reported to Dobey. He was missing. Dobey was anxious. He felt guilty and now useless. He should have acted like a Police Captain and not like the sorry excuse of a coward and lousy friend he felt he was. For both of them, for Starsky and Hutch, he did wrong; he did everything wrong. But then, the way the Captain felt wasn't important at the time. The only important thing was that Starsky was getting better, and he needed to be with Hutch, and Hutch was missing.

Nobody knew where he was, hence the Captain entrusted to Babcock and Simmons, Hutch's searching. Although the blond had still more than ten days to go on vacation, and his absence was not a legal problem at work, it was a problem to Dobey. A personal problem, since he was very concerned that he could make an irreversible mistake.

The last time Hutch had gone to Metro, he was enraged, and he had all the reasons to be. Starsky knew that it was his fault the way his buddy felt, and he felt terribly sorry, too, but yet he couldn't have done anything differently.

"_The devil be blamed,"_ everybody thought.

When the brunet had come to terms with his illness and his condition and felt that he was ready to tell his friend the truth, something unexpected happened. His health played a very dangerous trick with him and then the blonde couldn't resist another rejection.

Though it was not a rejection...

The fact was that Hutch was nowhere since that day. From the day Starsky had failed to meet him, he had disappeared. He didn't go to Venice Place, and he didn't go to The Pits either. Huggy barely knew some things about him from his snitch's words.

"_Blessed snitches,"_ they thought at least.

Seemed to be that the only thing that Hutch had been doing lately was hurting and drinking, but they didn't tell that to Starsky. Rumor has it that the blond had rented a room in a seedy hotel and that he spent most of the time enclosed there, apparently, lost in his memories. It was dangerous, Dobey and everyone thought, but so far no one had managed to rescue Hutch from his own pain.

*******************S&H*********************

"Captain Dobey," the sugar candy woman entered the Squadron. She hated being there; she hated the gossip around her. Everyone at Metro knew damn well who she was, what she did for a living. Nobody respected her as the handsome man, and his partner did. So, regardless of how bad it made her feel and against all the odds, they were the reason she was there. Hutch more precisely.

She wanted to help him get back, help him cope and return to be the man he used to be.

"Sweet Alice. What are you doing here?" Dobey asked solicitously.

"Captain Dobey, I'm sorry I came along, but... I'm worried about handsome Hutch, Captain. He came yesterday to my place, and he was quite different from the lovely man he usually is. He was drunk and I asked him whether it WAS because of Starsky's absence, and he started whining... Those men can't stay apart, Captain. I don't know, how can I help him?"

"Do you know where he is, Alice? If you know, maybe we can help him. You know that Starsky's back, and he's waiting for Hutch, so maybe if you can tell him that, that his buddy's waiting for him..." Dobey asked, and offered.

"Really? Is he back? Oh, for Christ's sake why? Why he didn't tell me where he is. He only came to my place to see me... I think that he just wanted to feel beloved."

"So he didn't tell you where he is."

"Unfortunately not."

"It's okay. Thanks, Alice. Everything will be fine in no time," Dobey ended.

"I hope so, Captain Dobey. Keep me up to date, please? You know where you can find me, and in case he shows up again... I'll deliver him to you, okay?"

"Okay, lady," Dobey said cavalierly.

The woman thanked him flattered. Some people made her feel good.

*******************S&H*********************

Many times Starsky had asked about his buddy, but so far, Blondie seemed to be lost, vanished, since the very first day that he hadn't shown up at their meeting.

The brunet insisted that he wanted to contact him, and he asked all his friends to go and find him. But then he knew that his partner was angry with him and at the same time, that he had all the reasons to be. Starsky felt that he couldn't blame him for feeling that way, so he decided he should wait, must hold on, until the moment Hutch would be ready to be back. Anyway, at the mention of Hutch's name, Starsky faced all his ghosts and demons. And since he should be protected from any strenuous situation after he recovered from the dehydration, everybody tried to avoid the issue, especially, seeing the impact it caused over his still weak condition. Therefore everybody encouraged him to stay at home in his cocoon with Caroline and to recover. Stimulate him to make a fresh start with the new relationship and get strong enough to face his partner with the truth.

And wait.

Later it would be time to talk to Hutch. And Hutch, they were all sure, would show up.

"_It takes time, give it time!"_ They suggested to the troubled brunet.

So he did. He waited.

He was feeling reasonably good, and he knew that he would have the time.

Time.

"_Wouldn't I?"_ he thought.

After Sweet Alice's visit, the 24th August, early in the morning the sloppy blond-haired man reappeared in Metro. He went to the Station. Only for one hour, he didn't wait for the Captain to talk to him. Chuck Anderson informed them.

Everybody knew that the time had come.

It was about time.

*******************S&H*********************

"Captain, you should relax!" Sam sighed. "Unfortunately, I couldn't tell Starsky yet. He didn't feel okay today! I called him earlier and well he was alone and..."

"Another fainting?" Dobey asked worriedly.

"Yeah, we have had to learn to deal with them, haven't we?"

"Unfortunately. They scared the hell out of me!"

"It's normal, and It's called syncope. Yeah, it looks like seizures sometimes, and that's how David was diagnosed with lung cancer in the first place; remember after he collapsed on the Station, Cap?"

"You are dumb! How can I ever forget that, Ressler?"

Dobey started pacing in circles in Ressler's Hospital Office again; he was pissed off. Sam understood and didn't say anything. The Captain had just arrived at the Hospital because the doctors had notified him that he was going to have an appointment with the Board related to Starsky's condition, so he was inconsolable and scared. Anderson had already told him that Hutch had been at the Station too.

"I wonder what are they going to tell me this time. I wonder if, I don't know… If maybe there's something new? I mean it's been almost two months now and just two weeks ago, Huggy told me that his cancer had grown! And then the havoc with the dehydration and I - Oh, I feel so damned guilty, Sam!"

"You shouldn't, you can't," Sam said understanding. "You're under stress, under pressure, we all are."

"That's not just like that, I mean… How come I did not realize he was so sick?"

Dobey's feelings always fluctuated. He was in turmoil. He felt guilty for not having been able to detect that Starsky was sick, and now of not being able to cure him. And he felt guilty for hiding the truth from Hutch and also for having him let go.

He felt guilty of everything

"Don't blame yourself, Captain! Nobody did! Lung cancer usually manifests when is already too late. It always appears on its advanced stage, and their symptoms are often ignored. Starsky has suffered many injuries during his working years. He's got this severely damaged lung tissue condition. Damn! He was shot three times in the chest! and he barely recovered from it; he received multiple blood transfusions, he suffered a pneumothorax… many things." Sam shook his head, "Captain, those are the reasons, and none of them is your fault. Unfortunately, there's no one to blame but damned Gunther and all."

"It's not just Starsky! Who's to blame about Hutch? How could I have let him go? How can I handle this?" Dobey sighed "He came back to the Precinct today, and Anderson told me that we should have seen him. Yes, I _am_ to blame. I should have told Starsky that he shouldn't come back to the streets after Gunther. I _am_ to blame. I should have told him that he should have taken the LT's exam, but I'd done nothing so far, just like now. I didn't, I am not doing anything. I _am_ to blame. And I am to blame that I let Hutch go; I am to blame that I lied to him." He felt really derailed with himself; he was almost shouting. "There's one thing that I can do now," the rotund man continued, "just one thing and neither I am doing it!" He made a long pause reflexively. "I have to tell Hutch; he's like a caged animal, Sam… We can barely control him, and the only thing I'm capable of doing about it instead of telling him is to worry. And Goddamned me if I am worried." He was scared he wouldn't be able to dominate the blond detective who hadn't been able to overcome the loss of his partner yet.

Hutch's looks, in the morning and for that brief time, had been discouraging.

The Captain realized that his detective was like a time bomb, completely uncontrollable because, just like Starsky, he had a deadline too. Dobey said reflectively, "We won't have a place to hide, the moment he realizes what has happened Sam, what's going on with Starsky. The way we lied to him for almost two months. He's going to burst like 'Little Boy' and the blast's gonna wipe out everything. Hiroshima would pale at his blow up!"

That was true.

Everybody knew, and everybody feared the moment that Hutch finds out what was happening. The Captain was disconsolate, he kept talking distraughtly, "I really thought that with the chemo, I don't know. I really thought that what Dave had told me, that it would be true. That he needed more time to get strong to tell Hutch, but it's been almost two months and things are getting worse and not any better, and…" Dobey finished.

The things that had happened the last weeks, the dehydration, the advanced of cancer and the way that Hutch was slowly ruining his life were very disappointing. When the Captain found out that Starsky's cancer had metastasized to his mediastinum, he thought that he was doing wrong and let alone with the dehydration that had worsened everything.

He wondered what they were waiting for to tell Hutch. "_What would be the next deterioration we are waiting for?"_ he thought. It seemed like the world was against. "He'll never get better, Sam. Starsky's gonna die, and I need to tell Hutch what's going on. And I'm gonna tell him next time I see him. I've already made a decision."

The blame was killing Dobey. He wanted something to happen, to change the course of things.

"Yes. I guess that this is about time, Captain. But calm down, please! You shouldn't be the one to tell him. It must be Starsky. Now that Hutch is back, we're gonna tell him, okay? Today, at best, tomorrow. It'll be soon." Sam nodded. "I guess that Starsky has already realized that he has this little time available, and he has understood that maybe he won't be able to fight cancer."

"You mean he gave up?"

"Sort of," Sam said sadly and sighed. "He talked to me that he needed to tell Hutch and soon. He was desperate, but then, you know, the worst of the diagnosis, he went back to the Hospital and well, Hutch disappeared, one thing and another. And Caroline. They are having this…" the young doctor smiled and shook his head, "Hey, I've never seen a crush like this before in my whole life!" Sam smiled excitedly. "I thought that it was a good thing for Starsky to have a little distraction. To enjoy life a little bit, after all that he's been through. Besides who knows how could he be next month, even the next week." He raised his eyebrows. "They are so in love, Captain ..." He was in wonder. "He'll tell Hutch, Dobey. He wants nothing else but that to happen."

Dobey nodded pensive "Thank Goodness! I was wondering when the right time to tell him would be. I can't help but feel concerned about all this. Sometimes I guess that this is all my fault, that I should've seen this coming and with the last tests well, I mean, I thought that maybe..."

Ressler interrupted him. "Captain, Starsky's gonna die. That's what we know for now. I don't know if you ever harbored any hope but when lung cancer spreads too far to be cured, as, in his case, a remission is highly unlikely. Anyway, treatments can still help patients live longer or at least live better, I mean, improve his quality of life. That is the only thing we can do for him now, what we all expect for him… just that. A remission would be a miracle." He said apologizing for the news. "Chemotherapy can shrink the tumors, Captain. It helps control the symptoms, the pain or the blocked airways, so in Starsky's case the treatment will only slow down the progression of cancer, but I don't think that it can make it disappear. But I don't know, maybe they're wrong about the time he has left yet, so we have to keep our hopes up. No matter what might have happened the past weeks… the treatment of cancer is a developing area of medicine, so who knows?"

"You mean that maybe, there's something the doctors can do?" Dobey's hope spiked.

"I don't know what the doctors can or can't do. I'm talking about us. I'm telling you that the support and the love we can give Dave right now will be the best of medicines we can give him to cross through his maybe last days. Our support and Hutch of course."

Dobey left Ressler's Office in Memorial, having mixed feelings…

Hope and last days didn't seem to match for him.

After leaving Sam, the Captain decided he should go back to Metro to see if Hutch - or Hutch's ghost -, had gone back again. But, damn coincidence, when he was going out of the building, he ran into the blond-haired detective, who was entering the Hospital's Lobby hurriedly.

"Hut - Hutch?" the Captain stammered.

"Oh, Cap. Hi!" Hutch was a little bit nervous too, but he started talking, stuttering in fact. "What, what are you doing here, Cap? Is something wrong? Someone's got hurt?"

"Oh no! I've uh, I've just come here to make an appointment with the - uh - the cardiologist."

Sometimes Dobey wondered how he had been a decorated undercover cop back in his golden heydays; he had this incapacity to lie sometimes...

"You okay? You're sick or something?" Hutch asked worriedly.

"Oh, No, no! Just routine, you know. And you? Why are you here?"

Hutch looked straight into his Captain's eyes, he had made a decision. "I've been to Metro and you weren't there. Needed to talk to someone… well, you know Cap. I'm not feeling good, lately." He raised his eyebrows and sighed and Dobey stayed silent, expecting what he was going to say. "I can't accept what happened with Starsky and, well I wanna talk to Sam, see if he can help me cope." He grimaced and touched his heart and closed his eyes, "I have a pain here Cap, it hurts a lot… It hurts so damn much. I can't recover." Hutch was on the verge of crying, and Dobey tried to console him.

"It's gonna be okay, Hutch, you'll see. It'll pass, time heals everything. The moment you less think of it," he shook his head, "ahhh, you trust me."

"Yeah, I hope so too, but I wanna stop this. I realized that since he's been gone I - I did nothing but get mad at everybody, crazy against the world itself. I fought everyone, and I even take it to God and myself! And I'm tired, Cap. I need someone to help me understand what has happened; I need to feel less guilty and try to be myself again, maybe that way… Who knows? Maybe I can get him back." He smiled and shrugged; the hope was imprinted all over his face.

Dobey was speechless, "_Get him back? Get him back for losing him again in six, seven months"._ He thought, just nodding at Hutch's words. He wondered why. Why after two months of anguish, Hutch had finally been able to pull out these feelings, he had so fiercely bottled since the day Starsky had gone, today?

Of all days, of almost these 60 endless and painful days, today. "_Why?"_

Dobey was frightened.

If Hutch's natural intuition about his partner would have something to do with this, It was bad. After talking with Sam, he was scared. "_What if this means that something's going to happen? That the end is near and coming. What if?"_

That couldn't be; shouldn't be.

Surely, Hutch had done his grieving, his mourning and the strength of his detective was finally resurging. That was better thinking. "_That is what I better have to believe!"_ The Captain thought. Any case, he was relieved that this was happening. Something, at least, was going on. Things were moving again, the paralyzing aftershock they had all underwent was beginning to accommodate.

"Hutch, son, no matter what happens you have to know that we love you, all of us. We are all by your side, with you, and we'll always be. You have to know that all the things we've done… We've done them because we love you," Dobey realized he had gone too far but couldn't help it.

"What do you mean, Captain? Why are you telling me this? I – I feel that Starsky's in danger, Cap. I can feel it so, do you know something about him that I don't know? His girl called again?"

They looked at each other for a long time. Dobey was wordless, and Hutch was eager to know what was what his captain was trying to say until Sam came out of the main door and waved Hutch Hello.

"That's Sam over there, Hutch!" Dobey said stating the obvious and taking advantage of the weird coincidence and the situation to avoid any further explanation. "See ya tomorrow at the Station."

Those were his parting words as he rushed down the stairs to the parking lot and disappeared. Dobey left, leaving a curious Hutch, who could barely pay attention to Sam, who stood behind.

"Yeah, See ya," Hutch said goodbye to Dobey, dumbfounded after a while.

After some time in silence, Sam spoke.

"Hey, Hutch! Hey, buddy! What's that look for? I'm so happy you're here. You coming down to see me?" Sam was intrigued by Hutch's look, seemed like there was something different about him.

"Oh no, nothing. It's just Dobey… He said something... uh - forget it! Yeah, I need to talk to you, Sam" they entered Memorial, straight to the Cafeteria.

Until the moment Sam started talking again, and after getting themselves two cups of coffee, Hutch was still silent and very pensive.

It took some time for him to begin.

"I'm scared, Sam" the blond started talking, "I feel like I'm no longer in control of my life. I became so dependent of Starsky that facing this uncertain future without him by my side is like hell. I don't know what to do"; he shook his head "I don't know." Hutch was sad, heartbroken; like lost and without a compass.

In his life, Starsky was more than a fellow, he was a man who had taught him to veer things from another perspective, in another way. He was the person who had taught him to enjoy the small pleasures, the little things. The same Starsky was the sum of all those little moments.

For Hutch, Starsky meant loyalty, friendship, love.

To remember his friend was painful because he missed him, but their moments together which were scattered in his memory were the only thing he had left. And he didn't want to let loose of them. He didn't mean to forget his memories; he felt that he should cling to those moments, but that hurt him too. He had come to the realization that he was suffering Starsky's withdrawal more than he had suffered the same heroin.

"It's very hard for me to come to terms with his absence. Sometimes I hate me, and I even hate him, but then I realize that without him, I just can't breathe!" Hutch sighed "That he's very needed in my life, vital, crucial. I feel very lonely Sam... Even having many people around me; I feel like nobody understands me, nobody knows the loss I've suffered; what I am going through. I feel too sick and tired of being apart from him. I, I miss him! And I can't understand nor accept why he chose to leave and leave me, and I wondered, he doesn't miss me? Does he love me?" He was very hurt.

"He loves you," Sam said, reassuring him.

"Why are you so sure, Sam?"

"Because I know" he sighed, "Because I talked to him lots of times… and I guess that soon you'll realize how much he loves you, maybe this day or tomorrow. It's a matter of time, little more time, you understand? He's waiting for you, buddy. You are both ready."

"Ready for what?" Hutch asked incredulously.

'_Paging Doctor Ressler, Doctor Sam Ressler Code Grey,'_ the loudspeaker voice was broadcasted in the cafeteria. It was an emergency, and they were searching for Sam, '_Doctor Ressler, 10th Floor, Code Grey_.'

Hutch was visibly upset. "Ready for what, Sam? Where's he?"

'_Doctor Sam Ressler Code Grey.'_

Hutch rolled his eyes. Seemed to be like that day was going to be an interrupted day for him, first Dobey, now this..., but then, Sam was a doctor, he couldn't complain.

"I must go, but you think about it, Hutch and wait for me here. I'm going to see what's going on, and then I'll come back, and I'm going to pick you up. We can go to Huggy's and talk, what do you think? I know neither Huggy nor I am Starsky, but…" he winked at him, "We can be good company, can't we?" Sam smiled softly.

Since Caroline was living with Starsky at the beach's house, he knew that Huggy would be at The Pits so Hutch wouldn't suspect anything. They could share one night out, a few beers like in the good old days and distract the blond a little and even starting to prepare him for the news and the days ahead. He should call Starsky and say that next day, he was going to meet Hutch, that there wouldn't be any other delay.

He had to tell him that his buddy wasn't up to another day being separated from him.

"Ok, I'll stay here."

*******************S&H*********************

He stopped crying.

It was ten in the morning; he had already talked to Sam on the phone, and it was still cold outside. He had lied to the doctor. He didn't feel like talking on the phone with anyone, so he had told him that he'd had a fainting spell the day before. He just wanted to get away from the oppressive sensations he was experiencing, through and through, in and out, so before leaving to the beach to see if he could breathe easier, he returned to grab a sweatshirt.

He peeked to the deck and tried to fill his lungs, but he found it impossible.

He felt sad and helpless.

He berated himself and his cancer, and he felt like crap and wanted to die right there at that moment.

"_Why am I still alive? I hurt Hutch, and he hates me. I'm gonna hurt Caroline too, and everybody else for that matter, what for…? I shouldn't have loved her! I should have died when Gunther!"_ He thought.

He wanted to mourn but then realized that if he indulged himself in sorrow, he would feel worse.

Worse, but still alive, fucking alive for nothing.

"_Nobody dies of crying,"_ he thought, and grieving wouldn't be a redemption, but then he would find even harder to breathe if he cried. It would hurt the worst.

Therefore, he did not. He stopped doing it. He didn't cry anymore.

He watched the sea, how it came and went. He never ceased to get tired of watching it, and he thought, "_I might go, I might stay, and whatever might happen to me, the sea will always remain there."_

He felt small.

He gulped the knot he had in his sore throat and took the deepest breath he could muster and started going down the deck's stairs, down to the sand. To breathing…

Maybe the sea breeze could help him. "_If only Hutch could be here now,"_ he thought.

In between the twenty steps that separated him from his fate, he grabbed a coughing fit.

The same vicious, old, and unkind coughing that used to happen to him at the very beginning of this shit assaulted him again and made him feel very dizzy like he was going to faint anytime. So he clung to the railing and sat there trying to recover his breath_. "Damn it,"_ he thought! "_This shit's really gonna kill me, seriously!" _He laughed at himself.

He stayed like that for a long time, sitting on the stoops. Thinking.

The sun was heating up the surface.

The little prisms reflected thousands of bright sparkles that were blinding him, but yet he could not warm himself.

Not even with the white sweatshirt he used to wear in winter.

He was cold. He was shivering, and he did not feel confident enough to move forward. Neither to go for a walk along the shore, as he had planned or to get back to the house and climb the ten steps that separated him from the deck.

He was stuck in the middle.

He felt like he was nowhere, in no place, feeling in no way.

He was not.

He stayed like that for so long, feeling as lonely and helpless as his body was, breathless and chillier than an iceberg and he realized his body was shutting down and so was his mind.

He was stiff and tired and increasingly weak, hardly existing, barely dying...

Until suddenly, in the distance, he saw him.

Ian, who came running to meet him.

"David, what's going on, what happened?" The man said solicitously and realized how sick Starsky was.

"Oh Ian, Thank Goodness you are here. I feel sick, can't walk. I'm... dizzy, guess I need my tank or at least my inhaler… 's difficult to breathe." He raised his puppy dog eyes to Ian. He didn't know if he was grateful or not that God had sent him, maybe this could have been his chance to die alone, but there he was. "Would you please help me to get back to the house?"

"Of course, David, come on, lean on me. You stand up and lean on me, okay?" Starsky began to stand up, but he was frail, and he stumbled. "Relax, David, come on! I catch you; I catch you." Ian said kindly.

For every step, they had to make a pause. Starsky filled his lungs with effort and then began again until they reached the deck.

When they arrived on the terrace, he fell to the floor and passed out.

Ian cuddled him up into his arms, lovingly. With lots of efforts, he carried him into the house and placed him on his bed. He took the oxygen tank, which was beside the bed and put it over his mouth and his nose. He waited for some time until the brunet regained his breathing pattern again and started talking to him, saying soothing words, encouraging him to respond, caressing him, fondly.

Starsky slept his oxygen-deprived slumber slowly and seemed at peace.

However, the sight of David sprawled, helpless in his bed was too much a vision for Ian to resist, so he couldn't help it and started touching him.

This time lustfully.

His excitement was growing as he started to get horny. He yearned for this man, for years now, but then, it was not the time yet. They were like that, for one hour until Starsky awoke.

"Cary?" he said confused at the feeling of Ian's hands all over him, but then he realized. "What are you doing, Ian?" Starsky was scared and disgusted "Get off of me, don't touch me, leave me alone you sick pervert! You're sickening me… What?"

Ian was enraged, and he got very nervous because of Starsky's rejection; so he took the Brunet by his arms violently, immobilizing him and looked him into his eyes with anger. "I saved your life, and now you treat me like this, you reject me this way? I could have let you die there, drowned in the sand. What do you think you are? You are not better than I am! You are not worth more than me. You'll pay David, you'll pay."

And he threw the sick and weak man hard on the bed, slapping him and closing the bedroom's door behind him as he left.

Starsky remained in bed, agitated and terrified for a long time.

He tried to regain his breath, but it was difficult. He put the oxygen mask again, trembling. "_What has happened?"_ He thought.

If something was missing from his life before he died; of all things was this, to be a victim of abuse, but then, he thought, "_shit happens! And yeah… mostly to me! Yuck, life sucks, this is very weird,"_ but then he was so terrified and exhausted that he faded immediately.

The lack of air made him dizzy, and he lost consciousness instantly.

Couldn't help it.

*******************S&H*********************

Hutch stayed put in the cafeteria, waiting for Sam to come back and observing everyone. Since the day before, the world seemed to have changed its colors for him, mysteriously. He didn't know why; he thought that maybe he had reached the bottom of his existence, but then, he felt a little bit spirited as if something was going to happen and soon.

At the Cafeteria, there were doctors, patients, family. People came and went by, and they were all in trouble. He thought it was like in the movies; there were lots of action and stories around him. Someone was crying at the booth on his left; another one was caressing a little girl's cheek at his right; a cute couple, across his table. She was pregnant, and the man was proud.

Life goes on.

It had gone on, too.

Everybody was engrossed in their stories. He wondered what those stories would be, and what the others would think about him.

He also had his burden.

He decided that he would share his trouble with Sam or Huggy or Dobey, that it was time he couldn't stand it anymore, couldn't take his pain anymore, so he sighed.

Lately, he had lost his ability to share his feelings again, like when he was young, before Starsky.

He realized that his life was before and after him.

That the brunet whirlwind had taught him to be more opened, that's why he hurt so much at the time.

Starsky wasn't there anymore.

So how could he share anything with anyone else? That was what it hurt.

He was in the middle of his reverie when a soft and kind, feminine voice repeated something again. He turned his head to the sound; he was distracted, but it was evident that the girl had been saying something; she had been speaking to him for some time now.

"You didn't hear me, did you? I said if we can share the table? There's no place available, and I have this…" she opened her eyes toward her tray. She was carrying a bottle of Poland Spring, a fruit salad and a cheese sandwich on her plate. "I was just saying that if you don't mind… May I sit here?" she said respectfully.

"Oh, I'm sorry, of course, excuse me. I was just elsewhere."

She smiled and sat at the table, nodding. She started eating her lunch. She was a gorgeous girl with light auburn wavy hair and big and shiny blue eyes.

He couldn't help but think about his partner, he would have loved her, but then he smiled at himself… How come that a beautiful girl reminded him of his partner? "_Oh My God! I'm freaking out!"_ He thought and he smiled.

"It must be some place!" She said funnily and out of the blue.

"Pardon?" Hutch was really distracted.

"That place in which you are! Must be some place! Do you think about something pleasant? Remembering something, someone? Perhaps? Your face is kind of illuminated. It looks relaxed and happy." She started the conversation.

"Oh yeah, I was laughing at myself indeed, how silly I can be." He smiled again, "I remembered my pal, my very best friend that I miss so much, so dearly."

"Well, he must be very special indeed. I mean your looks changed the instant you started smiling and remembering him," She blushed, and Hutch nodded, overwhelmed. "Oh, excuse me." she continued, "I'm so confident and talkative sometimes, you know, I like to stick to the nicer things in life. None of my business. I'm sorry, again." She sighed and closed her eyes, shaking her head reflexively.

She was a gorgeous woman and something in the way she talked, something that surrounded her, caught Hutch's attention. As if despite her gleaming beauty, she carried a deep soul sadness inside her, and he felt identified with that sentiment. Something about her was alluring, and he felt attracted to her. So, he asked the young woman, curiously why she had said what she had said; if something bad had happened to her.

"Oh, yeah" the lady sighed, "I'm tired of misfortunes and diseases, and you know, it makes me happy to see someone who is happy, just that. You can call it a tendency to stick to happier thoughts." She made a lovely face and shook her head and her eyes filled with tears. She started eating again, her eyes lost in her tray…

Her simplicity stunned him. She reminded him of Starsky indeed.

Hutch waited for some time until she regained her strength, and then he said: "Hey, no worries, I get over it." She looked at him curiously, quite not understanding what he was saying, so he added "Your tendency, I mean."

She frowned even more dubious.

He smiled again and sighed, and then explained her. "I have this friend who's just like you, you know?" He was moved by the memory, "He always finds the sweet part of life; the nicer, the better, he says. The bottle half full instead of half empty, you understand?" He chuckled remembering that other grievous time and she nodded at the statement, silently. "I mean, I'm used to that tendency of yours, as you like to call it." He gave her a big smile. "But tell me what can be happening to a lovely and beautiful lady like you that you have that sad face. Are you sick? Something's wrong?" he asked the woman, he could really feel she was sad.

"No, I'm not sick." She thought whether she should tell him or not and then she smiled and made a long pause "I'm a doctor, but let's just say that yeah, my whole world's wrong." She looked at her sandwich again and then raised her head raising her eyebrows to Hutch, changing her facial expression… "But there's no use getting maudlin nor feeling this way, this sad. Sadness doesn't amend the course of things!" She smiled like a little girl, "There's nothing I can do to change what's going on, in fact. So I guess that I have to enjoy the way things are by now" she sighed. "I'm sorry I'm telling you this; I have no right but... sometimes talking to a stranger helps."

"Hey, I'm asking! And besides Yeah, sometimes it helps. So let me help you, what's going on with you, lady?"

She looked at his bright, kind eyes; he was very inviting. Something told her that she could trust in this transparent man, he was just that, clear, bright as the sunlight.

"The man I love is dying. I've just enjoyed the most incredible, romantic and fantastic week that I've ever had in my whole life with him, but like he said… It won't last" she smiled again. "It won't, and I already miss him!" Suddenly her eyes filled with tears again.

"I'm sorry," Hutch said concernedly, her sadness was so palpable "I hope that there´s something you can do."

"Oh, I wish I could, but I can't do anything. He has cancer, and the cruelest part of it is that I was his oncologist. He was my patient. That's how we met," She grimaced in pain.

There was a long silence in which their eyes met, sadly until she continued saying "But then I'm so used to this, to lose against cancer." She rasped her throat, professionally… "I thought that this time would be the same, but it is not. This time is really different." She covered her face with both hands hiding her tears and rubbed her reddened eyes, and suddenly she changed her expression, shaking her head. "Stop, please! I have to stop this. I won't be of any use if I let loose of my feelings this way," She finished speaking to herself and looked straight into Hutch's eyes and said, "I still have work to do, you know?!" The girl closed her eyes and made a gesture like ending the conversation and regaining her composure "But tell me, what about you? Why are you here?"

He decided it was a good time to change the subject, so he playful said.

"I've been bumped by my partner!" and he smiled at his prank.

She smiled too. "You really? Broke up? How much time?"

"Two months already."

"Well, maybe you can give her a second chance…" She said sympathetically.

"He. Not she."

"Oh! He? Okay. So you are ...?"

Hutch laughed a beautiful smile, and she smiled too, openly and nervous.

"No, I'm not gay. We are… "

Suddenly Hutch was interrupted by Sam's shout. "Cary!"

The doctor startled her; he didn't say her name. He shouted it!

"Hey Ressler, you scared me! I'm talking here with… " She didn't know the man's name, but she was really annoyed.

"I'm sorry Cary it's just that…" Sam made a pause; his heartbeat was increasingly high. "Cary, let me introduce you to Sergeant Kenneth Hutchinson, Hutch for short. Hutch, this is Dr. Caroline Novak, a good friend of mine."

"Nice to meet you, Caroline," Hutch said extending his hand to her.

She didn't, couldn't say anything more. She was paralyzed.

This man was Hutch.

Nothing more and nothing less. Thank goodness she hadn't said Dave's name. It would have been a disaster for him having known the truth from her mouth.

"_How come I've never seen a picture of you!"_ She thought. She had talked with Dave lots of times about him but never saw a picture of him. "_For Christ's sake I've been talking to Hutch, I have to go, I have to disappear… I've been with Hutch!"_ She thought.

She didn't know whether to tell Dave about her encounter or not.

She shared a knowing glance with Sam and hurriedly vanished through the Cafeteria's doors.

"Nice girl, beautiful!" Hutch said to Sam.

"Yeah… Yeah. She is. C'mon, buddy, let's go to The Pits."

*******************S&H*********************

The phone rang and took him out of his lethargy, and he startled.

He got scared.

The chilly sound frightened him, "_Ian? No!"_ He thought. But then he realized that the strange man was gone, that he was alone and that it was half past noon, and as she had said in advance, Caroline's voice came over the wire.

"Hello, Motek, how are you? What have you done all morning?"

"Oh, honey!" He made a long pause, he sounded relieved and even escaped from his mouth a sigh of anguish… "I - I missed you."

He couldn't find the strength to say what had happened, but then he thought that it wouldn't be proper to tell her by the phone, that he was going to scare Caroline unnecessarily. He decided he should talk to Dobey first and report the episode, but then, he thought, everybody would find out at the Precinct about what had just happened.

And he didn't like that either so… he couldn't make up his mind what to do.

She realized by the deflated pause that something was going on, but she also felt guilty, and she had the same doubts about telling him about Hutch or not, so she asked…

"What? Is something wrong? You feel okay? Dave, please, don't give me a scare, you tell me."

"Nah, I'm okay, okay. I was asleep that's all" He rasped his throat. He wouldn't say, at least not on the phone, not now. Neither she.

"You were asleep? Hey! It's half past noon, and you haven't eaten your vegetables? The broth?! You promised me you would eat, okay?"

"Okay, yes! And I will! Don't scold me, mom!" He smiled "You're my doctor, remember? Not my mom. Rachel will be angry the day that you meet with her and realizes that another good little Jewess' around me and taking care of her beautiful firstborn," he mocked the girl.

"Oh, really? But let me tell you this, first, I ain't your doctor anymore and second, you're more than her beautiful firstborn child now, babe. You've been upgraded!"

He frowned, "Have I been? Upgraded? How's that?"

"Yes! Now, you're the stereotype of my own and personal nice Jewish boy. Mine, not hers anymore." She laughed mischievously and made a pause thickening her breathing. "The first time I saw you with that schmutz on your face at the BBQ the other day..." She sighed soundly on purpose over the phone, "I felt the urge to act like a mom toward you and I wanted to wipe it out from your face, immediately… licking the dirty with my tongue…" she made a pause, sexily. "Since that moment, I knew that I wanted to feed you, and clean you and pamper you as if you were my kid. That instant I realized that I love to take care of you every day of my life and that you are my baby now. Mine! Just mine! Not Rachel's anymore. And I'm still feeling in that way" her giggles were priceless

"Oh, Yeah? That doesn't sound kosher, does it? Stealing a son from his mother! Now I'm sure as hell she wouldn't feel comfortable watching you being so patronizing with me like this, she would be jealous… or maybe you are the jealous one?" He smiled and sighed. "Anyway darling, I adore when you turn into this "baleboste" mood of yours. You make me feel like home, babe, and I like that, especially now. I've never felt like this before."

"You liar. And what about Terry, how did she make you feel, uh? You proposed to her..."

"Terry? Oh, my God! You girl are jealous indeed! Of course, Terry was lovely! I loved her. She was the only one who could accept my relationship with Hutch, so as you will, but we didn't share this… I don't know" He sighed. "We haven't had time either… Seems like I always have trouble with the time!" He smiled at his joke.

"Dave…"

"Nah, you look, there's something between you and me lady, something we have and I can't explain." He shook his head at the lack of answers, "Besides Terry was goy!" He joked and smiled "You are my little Jewish princess."

"Oh, come on! As if you care, now you're trying to make me believe that you are a religious man. You're terrible! I love your ability to lead the conversation to where better suits you. I mean we're talking now about your mom and your late girlfriend and even in Yiddish! And we're not talking about what matters. Something happened. I can feel it. You feel sick? You feel okay? I don't like the way you're speaking! You have not eaten anything, and you have stayed in bed all morning, and that's not good!"

"No! Stop making assumptions!. I wasn't. I... uh - I went to the beach."

"Oh, you did? That's nice! And what have you done on the beach?" She asked curiously.

"I watched the waves go by, and I learned what they taught me."

She realized that something had happened, when Dave turned into this mystical state of mind, sure something had happened, but she decided she wouldn't press, she should play along and listen.

"And what was that? Did they teach you something about me? Tell me, you thought of me? You remembered me, babe? I had nothing but you in my head all morning..." "_Aww! I feel stupid, I am so in love with him!"_ Caroline thought.

"Yes, they did and, yes I did think about you." He made a long pause, and they both stayed silent with the receiver on their ears breathing deeply. "I remembered you." he said tenderly, "thought of you all the time, and I thought of me too, and I realized that none of this would be again the way it was once."

"Hey, what do you mean?"

"Nothing, don't get scared." He smiled tenderly. "I'm not planning on leaving yet if that's what worries you; I have realized just now that there's no need to worry, that, like everything else, this too shall pass. You and me, we, my cancer, the good, the bad, like everything else will pass." He sighed. "We're temporary, Cary, as the waves of the sea are. It's the sea that will always remain, and we're too small to prevent it, to avoid it. Only a part of everything we are."

"Oh, my lazy cutie pie, I don't want you to feel sad or depressed. I'll be there in three hours." She was worried, they had been together for one week and leaving him alone maybe hadn't been the best of the ideas taking into account his weak state of mind.

"I'm not sad, honey, hey… I just realized that life comes in waves like the sea comes, that's all. Coming and going infinitely; that what we're all seeing now ain't the same way we saw it a second ago neither the same way we're gonna see it later. Everything changes all the time, and there's no use to run away or lie to ourselves. There's too much life out there, and still here." He touches his heart though she couldn't see him "Wherever I've been, wherever I am or wherever I'll be, like the waves of the sea, I'll always be back."

"Oh Dave, my Motek! You're the love of my life. I wish I could be there to cuddle up with you and pamper you… and"

He interrupted her, "Shh! You are here Cary, you are in me like always you'll be. I feel you. Here."

And then he smiled.

_To be continued..._


End file.
